A
female
age
30-35,
*eANicerGirl
writes:Me and my boyfriend are both 21 and we have been dating for almost 3 years since the beginning of college. In the first two years he loved me unconditionally even though I acted like a spoiled kid.. I still regret my action and my constant looking down upon him. We lived together after the first 1.5 years for half year on an exchange program and he took care of me every day cook almost every single meal for me. I acted like a spoiled princess and never satisfied no matter how much he cared about me. Things turned really bad after the first 2 years though. He found from my chats in my gmail (we share passwords) that I told my friend I liked another guy , and I always talk to guys who also like me, took advantage of that for my own benefit in internship without including or informing him, lying about joining some social activities, gossiping about him and saying how I should have chosen another guy instead of him.. He was super hurt and upset and would not talk to me for a few days.. These things did not happen only for once.. it happened twice. I begged for his forgiveness after the first time, and he finally trusted me and we were happier for a while. Then he saw another piles of lies again after a few months. and I begged for another chance again, and he finally took me back. But things were not the same again. My spoiled attitude which was okay before he could not stand any of that now. He said I am too needy and insecure. He said he could not trust me again. Did I hurt him too much? He is still caring towards me and would go very far in helping me with anything, and he is sweet when we're not fighting.. but he seems to have detached himself emotionally from me.. He would say he feels he is taking care of a sister as I am needy and spoiled and has attitude problems, and that I do not bring him happiness or emotional support like before any more.. But he still cries sometimes about our relationship.. Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship or did he simply fall out of love? to make things worse, his detachment only makes me become more insecure, needy, and jealous...
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female
reader, BeANicerGirl +, writes (19 May 2010):
BeANicerGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for the replies. Do I love him is a question I've been asking myself since the day we got together. To be honest I was not as passionate as he was even in the beginning of the relationship. It was not until he begins to pull back then I realize I have developed such a strong emotional attachment / dependence on him. I feel the world would collapse without his presence/ emotional support. Is this alone considered to be love?? He keeps saying I only need him as a caregiver or for emotional support... and that I'm incapable of truly "loving" him.. that's why he sees me like "taking care of a sister" rather than a girlfriend now. But I've never cheated on him even though there're chances. I gave them all up because I only want to be with him. But I just lied many times because I don't want him to misunderstand, and secondly because I'm just trying to see if I can still get guys' attention. But in no way I would want to cheat on him.
Actually, i did hurt him a lot (physically and also verbally) just to get what I want- for him to please me. I regret those actions very much but sometimes I just get very angry when I hear things I don't want to hear..
I am ready to change myself now.. I feel like all this time I've been treating him so unfairly.. almost like I'm using him and I want to prove that I can be a nice girlfriend to him also, and kind of like "repay the debts".. know what i mean.. But I just dunno what steps i can take now.. it kills me every minute knowing that he might not have any love left for me.. but seriously.. why would he still care about me if I did so many bad things to him if he got no feelings for me at all?
A
female
reader, BeANicerGirl +, writes (19 May 2010):
BeANicerGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.. "Do I love him" is what I've been asking myself since the first day we got together. I would say for me I was not as passionate as him since the beginning when he was really in love with me.. but after these 3 years, I find myself having very strong emotional attachment to him. I feel like the world collapses without his presence and his emotional support to me. Can I call this alone love? But I know I did plenty of horrible things to him also.. I'd go as far as hurting him or yelling at him or forcing him to please me ... and I felt horrible about doing that... If I truly "love" him, why would I do anything to hurt him just to get what I want?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): My advise to you is to sincerely look into your heart and ask yourself this question. Do you love him, and if so, what is the catalyst that made you discover this? Or, are you just focusing on the challenge of trying to get his attention back? My gut instinct says that you are only really interested in the challenge of winning him back and once you have him back, all of the old reasons for gossiping, and meandering into other waters will resurface and you will find yourself in exactly the same situation as you currently are. I say cut your ties, spend some time on trying to figure out who you are, and what you need from a relationship before getting quagmired into another situation like this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): hey i have been in your shoes...my advice is to back off yourself emotionally. Take time out and think about why you behaved like this. have a clear head on things, you'll feel better less needy and in control. Then with a clear head figure out if you really do love this man. Then I guess it is whether or not he feels that you have really changed and got some perspective on whats going on.I hate to say this but he has likely lost a lot of faith in your relationship and along with that, respect. It's hard and I'm not being horrible to you because I've done the same things and regretted it. You need to sort yourself out emotionally and figure out why you are pushing the one you love away - probably not consiously but more subconsiously because u have some insecurity u haven't yet acknowledged or figured out.I really hope you find ur peace. just back off from him and get perspective.Good luck
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