A
male
age
51-59,
*one
writes:Well where to start, I have 8 colleagues in my office every one is married I am the single one. Every day I'm been told by them how lucky I am been single and to tell the truth, when I hear some of the crap in there lives it really lets me think twice. And this is where the problem comes in. Every time we have one of these talks in the office I start wondering if I should get married or should I stay like now "single". It is really bugging me and putting strain on my relationship with my girlfriend. It is as if my will to ask her to marry me just get stuck in my throat, well this evening we had a argument and I know it is my fault, she is getting fed-up with me not wanting to get married. How should I help myself past this wall for if this go's on for longer, I am going to lose her forever. Why is it so hard to commit. I know she is the one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Done +, writes (17 February 2008):
Done is verified as being by the original poster of the question korculan queen, anonymous, Laura1318, danielle_25xxxxxxxThanksDoneI will keep all your responses in mind and will have to formulate a answer that would not offend her when I try and explain myself to her. We have been together for the last four years, and we not been together on this sunday is really hard. "Thanks again"
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (17 February 2008):
well DONE I gathered your committment to this woman stemmed from childhood. You see the pain and the trauma your mother went through at the hands of your father and you felt like you should have protected her. This is why these core beliefs whether you know it or not affect your current decisions in adulthood. I came from a very violent background and at 8 years of age I stood in the way of a knife weilded by my father towards my mother. I asked her to leave him after this and she stayed til I was 18. I got married and ended up with a similar version of my father and I LEFT so that my children would not end up in the same pattern. Explain to her that you love her and you want her to pursue her dreams and career as you saw the effect of not pursuing your dreams on your mother. I think this marriage has the potential to work because you are thinking of her as an extension of you and you value her career and value her as a person. You have already broken the cycle just through your thought patterns. You are wanting to right the wrong from your mother's experience and regrets but you are not guilty for her regrets. You were a child and now you are an adult but explain to your wife your core beliefs and values and that you want her to have her career AND YOU. What a man . She would be very lucky to have you in her life.
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A
male
reader, Done +, writes (17 February 2008):
Done is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I think I do have some commitment issues, I lived in a house where there was not much love between my mum and dad, there were always arguments. I feel that could have been avoided. My girlfriend is 30 this year and she has just finished her studies sow I would like to give her a chance to enjoy her work for a while before we get married,it is as if she wants to get married and have children and throw away her education. It was one of the big arguments between my mum and dad ( they both are dead ), but I can still remember my mum was not very happy with her married and if she had never gave up working to have a family I do think she would have divorced my dad years before.I want my girlfriend to work for a while. I don't want her to make the same mistake my mum made. And I do see this as one of the problems with the the guy's I work with as well, it is as if they have the upper hand in there marriage's because they have the salary to support themselves and can it many ways say and do as they please, for there wifes do earn fare less than them and in many ways don't speak up when they are not happy for the simple reason they can't support themselves on there own salary.I don't want my future wife to ever feel trapped in a relationship where she has to play second fiddle to me.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (17 February 2008):
Being afraid to commit could be that your workmates are putting a damper on being married. If you love her then ask her to marry you. Ask yourself if you chose to procrastinate and she left you and someone else asked her and she said yes would you be upset or happy to be single? Are you worried financially how you will cope with being married? Have you come from a broken home where your parents divorced or never married and separated? Your fears on this subject need to be challenged. You need to work out what your core beliefs and values are. Your decision to procrastinate comes from these values formulated in childhood. Do not listen to your workmates as they are still married. Marriage like any relationship you have to work at and you have to want it to succeed and to keep interested in your partner as well as having your own time out to grow. These workmates obviously have lost themselves in being married and this is totally avoidable if you both keep your hobbies and interests seperate to the marriage and have time out to pursue your hobbies and still be married. ie if you like fishing then you should be allowed to go once a fortnight with your mates fishing and she should be allowed to do whatever it is that makes HER happy. To make a marriage work YOU EACH NEED TO HAVE YOUR OWN IDENTITY and do not lose yourself in being married. Then it has the chance to flourish and grow. Hope I helped you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Well for sure marriage and singlehood both have their ups and downs. One thing I am curious about is why do you hold these guys' opinions so highly? I mean who are they and how is their opinions so special so as to influence your own feelings on the matter?? Maybe they are just talking sh*t. You know how guys are when they get together. Maybe just one of them has a bad marriage and so they all talk sh*t just to fit in. I mean do you know firsthand that these marriages really suck?? Furthermore, alot of people settle into relationships. Maybe a few of these guys married ladies that weren't the right ones for them. Perhaps they would be alot happier if they had waited for the right one. One thing I have learned throughout my years is to be very selective of who's opinions I value and let influence me. Do you really admire and trust these guys enough to hold their opinions that valuable?? Anybody with any sense does not see the world so black and white, as in "marriage sucks, singlehood is great." C'mon now. In my opinion, I think these guys are just being guys, perhaps acting insensitive trying to fit in. And maybe a few of them do have bad marriages but that's more a reflection of their choices rather than of marriage itself. You sound like a smart guy, so I'm sure you are well aware of all this. I get the impression that you are just using what these guys say as an excuse to justify your own insecurities about marriage and for putting it off. Cause perhaps you have always been afraid of commitment? So is their another reason that is making you scared of marriage?? Perhaps you are unsure if she is the one?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 People may gripe about their life's but they still remain married.
Do not listen to them , You need to experience what it is like and not listen from other's experience.
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A
female
reader, danielle_25  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 So go for it don't waste your time thinking negative if you truly love her don't keep her waiting, tell her what is in you heart, don't afraid of commiting it depends on both you on how you can handle your relationship and build on it!! Good luck to you my friend!!
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