A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a new relationship, have been with the guy for about ten months now. It has recently turned into a long distance thing which is fine as I have done it before. I trust him.. or at least I did. He is gud friends with a girl, which is fine, except they only became friends after she broke up with her boyfriend, and THATS fine, because my bf is drawn to people who are emotionally in need, and they did get on before. But she rings him all the time when he is visiting me, and if he doesnt reply to her straight away she texts him REPEATEDLY and when i do that he flips out at me! So i asked him, very calmly, if he would rather just be with her - because i am fine if that's what is needed. I mean, i'd rather we broke up and he was with her than have some weird fake relationship going on while he wishes he was with her and vice versa. and he promised he wanted me and not her, so i accepted that. And then he lied about who he was spending time with. and he went fishing and said it was jst with this guy he knows, but turned out to be with her... and i don't care if he went with her :s i hang out with guys whenever i want to, but it's the lying!! If he hasn't got anything to lie about why is he lying? I was so sure there wasn't really anything going on between them, but now i'm convinced i was just being ignorant and stupid. What is going on in his head? Because he doesn't seem to want to be honest and yet, is mad that I am starting to act like I don't trust him. I think maybe he is cheating, but I really don't think he is that sort of person. :( Any advice or perspective would be good! Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I know this game like the back of my hand this guy is using you I was in a relationship with a guy who had another woman I didn't know until I put two and two together went to his job and I caught him he lied all the time about this girl then every time she got pregnant the child wasn't his but it turned out all six kids was his. I was a damn fool but you know how you have a gut feeling about your man now is the time to get out you don't deserve to play second to no other woman.Real Talk Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): my boyfriend did the same.He was cheating on me. But he was telling the other woman that i am only a friend and i have no one so i need him. when we have actually been in a relationship for 4 years. I did not know there was someone else cause he would just say he is at home( we did not live together). I would believe him. i would pick up n text me even he was with the other girl. So it did not occur to me that he could be with anyone at the same time. DO u know the friend? Have you met her? MAy be he is playing the same game as my ex. He just wanted to be in two relationship at once. SO be careful.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 YouWish has summed it up perfectly. Whether he is cheating now or might one day is almost irrelevant. He would rather disappoint you than disappoint her. And, he's long distance. Those two factors alone are sufficient reasons to walk away.
Discussions have been useless and you won't have any greater success by having another one. The kind of person who would be receptive to such a talk wouldn't need one in the first place.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 "If he hasn't got anything to lie about why is he lying?"Because he has got something to lie about. What exactly do you think, that he and her are platonic friends? Whatever it is they've got going, it is something he doesn't want you to know about. Hence the lying. Let me tell you a story. I once had a boyfriend. Me and him were invited to a wedding of a friend of his, and we had to fly to the location. There we spent an entire week, and he met another girl. He was hanging out with her all week long, leaving me alone. I knew no one else at that wedding, yet he was hanging out with this girl. I let him, I'm not a jealous person. We were going through a rogh path, and I wanted to show him I trusted him. It hurt, but I accepted it. When we came home... That's when it happened. He started chatting with her, and he HID her identity from me. Didn't want to tell me who he was talking to. I knew it was her, I'm not stupid. But didn't know why he was being secretive about it. She didn't live anywhere near (in another country actually), so I wasn't nervous of an affair. I had no idea why he would lie. But then I figured it out. She had been talking to him about our relationship! She was telling him things about me that wasn't true (I didn't even know this girl). She told him I'd be jealous if I knew he was talking to her, so she told him to keep it secret. I guess it gave her an ego boost. She was wrapping him around her little finger. Soon after he started telling me things about our relationship, saying things. Then he regretted the things he had said, and confessed it was SHE who had told him these things (even though she barely knew him, and didn't know me at all). Things like how little he loved me, or how fake our relationship was etc. I dumped him. How could I be with a man who went behind my back like that and then chose to listen to what some random chick was feeding him... Your boyfriend is doing the same as my ex was doing. He is showing his loyalty to HER, and NOT to you. That's what he's doing. He lies because she wants him to, he lies because he wants to "protect" her, or whatever. He lies because he holds her HIGHER than he holds you. He lies because he respects you LESS than he respect her. Who cares what's going on, if he is cheating, sleeping with her, has a crush on her, or just genuinely has a platonic relationship with her. Bottom line is that he is putting her OVER you. Walk away. Men like this are not worth it. Find a man who respects you and will put you and your relationship FIRST.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I agree with Honeypie. This other girl is an ego thing for him. While it's not a crime to have female platonic friends, there are boundaries that exist that are unique, the biggest one being that YOU come first, and that he would never have any sort of conversation with her that he wouldn't like you having with another guy.
He is lying for the same reason that he takes her calls and doesn't tell her off for being needy: He is a coward. He lies to avoid your reaction, and he lies to keep this ego stroking. It's co-dependent when he is getting emotional needs met by someone who props herself up on someone else and engages in self-destructive behaviors or tendencies. Is there a chance they are cheating or could cheat? YES! I'd bet *anything* that she has really strong feelings for him. It's likely that she knows about you, because texting rapid-fire like that when he's with you is deliberate.
This isn't the guy for you. Whether he's cheating or not is irrelevant. He is a coward and he doesn't put you first. He would rather hurt you, the one who *should* mean the most to him, than hurt her. Your guy isn't emotionally healthy.
Being long distance may have met success in the past, but the distance plus his very unhealthy relationship with this other woman should break the deal for you. Sometimes, it's better than to cut and run than waver and damage your own self!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 This guy has two girlfriends..... you and this other one. YOU can choose to be in a two-girls-one-guy relationship... OR, you can say, Geeesh, (his name here) I really don't think you're committed to either of us, and I don't want to be the spare girl in your life..."
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Does she know he is dating you? Does she know you?
If she does then I think she is enjoying the drama she is creating and it won't stop unless your BF put his foot down. The only problem with that is... your BF seems to suffer from "knight in shining armor syndrome" Where he get something MAJOR out of "helping damsels in distress". He thinks it makes HIM a good guy. And up to a point it does, except when he spends time texting some "chick" when he really should spend time with his GF.
I think he lied because he knows how you feel about this girl. He thinks you are jealous, not that HE is doing something that actually hurts the relationship. So he lied. Which is stupid. He most likely thought if you didn't know you wouldn't get mad/hurt... Again stupid.
I would ask him next time he visits how HE would feel if you were busy texting some "random dude" constantly, maybe that will put it into perspective.
And I also suggest you talk to him about lying. Tell him it makes it so much harder to trust him when he gets caught in a stupid lie. And that YOU will rather have the truth then be lied to. Same as I tell my kids. Do something stupid is one thing, but lying about it is much worse and the punishment for lying IS much worse in my house too.
I don't think he would be cheating. You gave him an "out" and he didn't take it.
It can be hard being long distance, but it can be done. Just have to be open and honest with each other.
PS. I do think you dislike him being "friends" with this girl and in my book that is OK. It doesn't mean that you don't trust him. It just means that you feel like you start to become second on his list after someone else.
Good luck!
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