A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am single again after 10 years of marriage (wife passed away 2008) I have meet a nice lady has a teen age son, divorced since 92, and I think very attractive. Problem is she has not had sex in 10 years and refuses to even talk about it. I love her and she says she loves me but the whole holding hands and a grandmotherly kiss at the end of the night is getting old. She has been married twice both ended in divorce both ex's were abusive I'm told. We have known each other for about 10-12 years and started seeing each other a few months ago. She knows me well and knew my wife who passed and knew how she was treated by me. She says she enjoys being with me but is not ready for sex. I know she has had several short relationships with men in the last 10 years and she told me the reason they ended was her not having sex. My question is what gives? Why does an attractive woman in her 40's with men wanting to have a relationship not have sex and push them away
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (7 January 2010):
She is a just a careful woman. Experience has taught her that giving it up before you are sure about the guy is a recipe for disaster. The other men proved her right that they only wanted her for sex. My guess is: she is looking for someone who wants a long term relationship and she is saving herself for that. She will not engage in casual sex unless she has some type of committment. If you really like her, then this calls for some reverse psychology. Tell her you have thought about it and you will respect her decision not to engage in sex right now. Tell her she is worth waiting for, then don't bring it up again. Continue with the grandmotherly kisses and as she gets to know you more, you will know when she is ready to move forward. If however she is a potential LTR for you then maybe you should broach the subject with her. I don't think she will do it without a long term commitment of some kind. I know this because I am exactly the same as her; previous bad relationships and then vowed no sex without a LTR. Old fashioned? Yes; but it gets rid of a lot of jerks. Only my current boyfriend's patience worked for me. And ofcourse we are engaged!
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 'whole holding hands and a grandmotherly kiss at the end of the night...' this is of course sex less touch, but you can hope sex park can begin with such sexless touch. she like relationship, means she will like sex also. If you feel her company as intellectually and emotionally satisfying, then continued...it will work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): She could be depressed and therefore it is lowering her sex drive. Also since both of her ex's were abusive, the traumatic events could still be in her mind. Try talking with her and making her feel comfortable. As other posters have said, try to gently suggest therapy or talking with someone qualified who can help. It will take a lot of patience and understanding on your part, but if you're willing to help her through this and be there for her, she might be more willing to open up and this will eventually lead to having a sexual relationship with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I have to agree with the above poster on two counts.
1) You are not sure what kind of how extensive the abuse she dealt with was.
If you are sure she trusts you, try talking to her about this potentially sensitive subject. Reassure her, but perhaps explain to her that you are a human and need some physical affection. Have this conversation somewhere she feels comfortable, like her place instead of yours. Clear from your mind the possibility that you will be "getting any" at the end of this conversation. Instead, the point will be to listen to what she says.
2) Therapy might be appropriate if this approach doesn't work. If she is unwilling to try therapy or talk to you about it, she is not recognizing your needs in the relationship. This is not fair to you, and you should end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Hi there. I can sort of understand, as i am in my twenties, and i havent had sex at all ( well not actual intercourse ) and the reason for that is because i am insecure, about myself and i also worry if my lover would compare me to other people they have been with. One person in particular, who i like at the moment, is 20 years older than me, so he is in a similar age group to you.Perhaps the woman you are with has insecurities ?. Maybe not the same as mine, but there could be other reasons. Do you feel you can ask her ?. Perhaps she thinks you might compare her to your wife, no offense, or maybe she feels insecure becasue she knew your wife, and she may be scared of having intimacy with you for that reason ?. Or she could be insecure because of her past relationships. I realize that i am a lot younger than you both, and i am not as worldy as you, but i hope my advice has helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): She may not be having sex with men in a healthy way, as in she wants to be sure that the men are interested in her as a person and not just the sex. So she may not be pushing the men away as they proved to her that sex was the most important thing.
If she was in abusive relationships, she may have some hangups around sex if she experienced sexual abuse.
You might want to ask her about this sensitive subject. If this is the case, therapy is in order I think.
The other possibility is she is just not that physically attracted to you but likes you very much.
Only you would know the answer to that one.
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