A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a long one...Ok, I had been talking to this girl online for ten months (plus text, phone, etc) and we met briefly at the airport for the first time in July since I passed through her city. We kept talking after the meeting and made plans to meet again. I'm on the East Coast in Maryland; meanwhile, she is in Minnesota. At our first meeting - since she is a big sports fan, and so am I -- I bought her cap and ball from a trip I made.The initial meeting went great - although brief, and I flew out to meet her over the weekend.I was in Minnesota from Saturday to Tuesday. I rented a car -- even though she said she would pick me up and take me anywhere -- just case she wanted to bail, or I did and would not be tethered to each other.She bought two tickets for me to a baseball game, plus offered to pick me up from my hotel and made all these elaborate plans. I offered to pay for the tickets, meals and all -- she refused my money at very corner.I was well, expecting to walk away without much happening and returning home frustrated. Frankly, I set the bar real low on this, and was not expecting anything -- chemistry, a like for me or otherwise.The first night, we met up for dinner and spent nearly three hours to together. She thought it was fun. I asked her what made her write me and keep it at it -- she said my fashionable glasses and smile.So we met for brunch in Sunday, attended a ball game and then went golfing. Also, she made me a gift -- chocolate chip cookies and handed them to me after the day ended.She found that fun too; therefore, on Monday, she had to work, but took me to lunch at a lake which nearly two hours flew by, got some drinks and then went back to work. That evening, we went out to a ball game.Afterwards, she dropped me off and wanted to meet me at the airport, but could not. I asked her if her opinion had changed of me on Friday and she said, "no".That day, she had to work and was even apologizing, even saying, "I'm sorry, I had to work. I was intending to spend the day with you and sorry I was late in picking you up."I said, "if there's anyone who I should never be upset at it, it's you.."We had talked about her coming to my part of the world and while she said she wanted to -- she used the word, 'definitely', she was non-committal st moment and needed to figure out a date to meet again.She paid out of pocket for everything, and I was shocked at all she did. She refused to take any money from me at all for anything. I was nearly moved to tears after the weekend that someone could do all that for me.We posed for pictures everywhere we went (literally) and talked about everything under the sun.I told her, "I don't know how much better it could have gone, I don't know why you did all of this..." She said, "it was my pleasure, and I enjoyed you coming out..."Being that we had been talking for so long and each meeting had gone well, I've been asking for a while - maybe the past month - about another meeting. She said a while back, "sure, let me know your schedule, and I'll look at mine".So leave it be and while we are going back and forth, I don't hear an answer back.We talk again on Friday night and then she says..."She more or less said work had taken up her time and that it would for the foreseeable future. There was issues of distance and plus free time, so she suggested I find someone else and not hold onto anything here."I kind of threw it back on her said and ,"you don't have one free day in a month, or half a day to even meet? I told her that I like her still and all of the people in the world, why would we spend all this time going back and forth, even though were are thousands of miles apart?"More or less, she said that it was not fair to me -- or her and felt bad about things.Just to gauge things - I didn't think she would say this -- I said, I mean, would she still want me to call, she said "sure".I had come to acceptance (I expected her to tell me go on my way...), but also told her, I don't know why after all this, we have both been patient ... just see what we have and give it a shot. As I said, it has been a very long time. She quipped, "you're right". She just paused and said "ok, ok" after a while...I don't know. I thought about and but I also texted her this morning, "I hope you have taken some consideration in what I have just told you, and that we'd been patient already."Of course, I have heard nothing.I feel conflicted in all of this. I think I stood my ground, got what I felt needed to be said; however, I also feel a deep sense of loss and a whole lot of time wasted. I'm just laying in bed here just wondering. I know I have gotten me final answer.I think I do need to really tell her how I feel. I don't do it a lot, but I just want to voice my frustrations and yes, tell her ... it's too painful to talk right now. But I do want her to feel a little of my frustrations.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 October 2011):
it sounds like she's decided that she's not interested in pursuing this relationship, or at least not at the level that you want, but didn't know how to say it outright thus her hemming and hawing. Maybe she also paid for everything in order to reserve the "right" to pull back from you since after all if you had paid for everything you might feel that she owes you a relationship (you might not feel that way personally, but other guys might).
Maybe she was interested initially, but then lost interest and didnt' know how to convey that because she was afraid of hurting your feelings. Or maybe she was interested initially but then met someone else and became more interested in that. Or, maybe she's not that interested in you but wants to keep you around as a "back up" while she sees if things work out with other people.
whatever her reasons, it sounds like you know that you're not satisfied with her level of involvement. So I think you should cut your losses and move on, rather than trying to pry from her half-hearted promises, rather it's unlikely that anything you say or do will suddenly make her want to be more invested in this relationship.
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