A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a big problem with my gf, she tells me one thing and then does another, she builds up my hopes and then crushes my hopes all the time, it has been more often lately.I am a travel agent and with work I get to go abroad 3-4 times a year, every year for the last 4 years she has said that we will take a holiday as a couple, i look into everything and just before i book everything she tells me that she cant make it, there is always a different reason but tells me to go anyway and enjoy it and she will go next time....it is not just holidays but everything, she tells me one thing and then when my hopes get up she keeps me happy and before it happens something always make her change her plans....i dont know if she doing this intentionly but the more it happens the more i think she is....I am so confused that I wish I could open up her head and see what was inside....I am thinking of telling her that the next time she goes back on her word then it is going to be the end of us...what do you think? am i being silly? or am i right as it has been going on for such a long time 4 years?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Listen, it's plain that if you've been with her for 4 years, you both have had a quality relationship, in other ways? Right? Otherwise you wouldn't have been with her this long. She has this problem--she keeps you hangin'--she changes her mind on you and..you want to just dump her? There are a gazillion far, worse, painfully horrible reasons for dumping someone out of your life, if she's been by your side, in other good, solid ways. So before you kiss her off, you need to do some thinking.
Just what kind of reasons is she giving you for doing this to you? Are they flippant, weak reasons or...are they really truely, good viable reasons? Because it's really obvious that everytime she backs out on you...you feel you are upset, dejected as well as inconvenienced by the time and work, you put into planning these things with her. And I understand that. But, I really am wondering and this is just a guess, that she may be hiding something from you, something deep inside her head that troubles her. Talk to her..find out why she does this.
Because, the way I see this, a lot of people back out for reasons they feel they can't tell another..even someone close. Do you think she's harboring something, she can't tell you? Like a phobia of some sort? As MaggieMay alluded to...possibly a fear of flying (re: travel)? a social phobia? Look for a pattern here. You say she backs out of everything...what exactly is 'everything'? We know it's travel plans as you stated, but is it social functions, dinner dates, family gatherings..what? What is she like the rest of the time you are with her...alone? Is she loving, caring, to you? Does she give to you, in other ways?
It could end up that maybe you do need, to just talk to her and make her feel safe to tell you, what is troubling her, if there even is a problem such as a phobia or a fear of some sort, that could exist. But if she is a really good person otherwise and she generally makes you happy, in all other ways...it seems to me, that maybe she can't confide something to you. Communicate. Be patient, kind and let her know it's ok to talk openly and go from there.
If you do find out she is not keeping something from you, then tell her in a very calm straighforward way, how her actions are making you feel. It may end up being a case of where she does not value you, nor this relationship as Fade mentions. So before you do anything rash, give her at least the chance to explain to you, why she does what she does.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): how else does she do this? if it's just with the traveling, maybe she is afraid of flying. Or, if you live together, maybe she enjoys getting time to herself.
If this is something new, I would be more worried, but if she's been doing it since the beginning, it might not have anything to do with you.
Ask her why. If she makes up an excuse, I would stop inviting her. If people can't reciprocate at all in a relationship, the best thing to do is to stop putting work into it.
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A
male
reader, BubbaTech  +, writes (31 October 2008):
You have to ask yourself, is this relationship all I want??
If it is, forget about it. Continue to travel when you want, and continue to invite her along, but always go when you say you are going. Never Back out of a trip that you want, whether she wants to go or not.
You can not make a decision for her, only give her options.
Live your life for you, and don't let her hold you back, life is short.
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