A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend rejects my suggestions on where/when to go out. We’re in a long distance relationship which I feel insecure about as I’m unsure when I’m going to see him again. At first, my boyfriend was an attentive, loving and caring man (I think he’s still in there somewhere!), saying that he didn’t mind where we went as long as we spent time together, but lately that seems to have slid. I gladly go to things that he wants to because I enjoy spending time with him, but I have started thinking that if I didn’t I wouldn’t see him! I know the honeymoon period doesn’t last forever but it seems like his attitude after 11 months of going out together is ‘now I don’t have to impress her anymore’. Examples - 1. Several months ago, I invited him to my friend’s birthday dinner. He replied ‘there’s no point because I won’t be able to drink’ (because of driving home). Later I thought ‘hang on....he didn’t want to see me then?!?!’ I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of the distance he’d have driven after a long day at work. 2. A while back I invited him to watch a hobby that I enjoy doing but he doesn’t, yet he claimed he didn’t get the text until 5 minutes before the event started. I’m not sure whether to believe him.3. I invited my bf to go out to a particular place and he said ‘we’ll play it by ear’. He kept me waiting so long that we didn’t go. 4. Another time, I invited him to come out with me and my friends, which he said ‘yes’ to initially but then his prior engagement over ran.5. On Thursday I thought I’d take the lead about this weekend and gave him 2 options as to what we could do together, both of which are activities he’s done before. He didn’t answer my question so I’ve asked him what the plan is this weekend and he still hasn’t answered! I’m tempted to make plans without him, but if I do that’ll be another weekend that I don’t see him (last weekend we didn’t see each other because he was playing sport with his buddies which he had arranged months ago).My boyfriend has regularly been moving the relationship forward, eg. he’s taking me on holiday and two weeks ago he started making suggestions about us moving in together and said in the meantime once I have started driving then we can see one another during the week as well (I am delighted about all this, however I found the last comment strange since surely we can alternate weeks of him driving here/me catching train to him until I have got the funds for a car - I don’t see that the mode of transport matters!)...yet at the same time he seems to be pulling away - I’m so confused. Can someone shed some light on what is going on and how I can work through this with him, if indeed he is still interested in me!?! I’m thinking of telling him that the rejection of my suggestions is affecting my self esteem and giving him a time span to explain what’s going on/come to an agreement.He’s alot like my sister who I find infuriating. She’ll never commit to activities with me - my mum said that it’s because she’d rather see how she feels on the day about something than make a prior arrangement and then let me down if she doesn’t want to do it/is ill. I can’t work out if my bf is having a ‘crisis of confidence’ as my sister calls them when she doesn’t feel able to go out due to shyness, has an illness such as depression, financial problems, hedging his bets to see if he gets a better offer to go out, is only interested in the chase and now that he has ‘got’ me isn’t interested anymore....what?
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at work, confidence, insecure, long distance, on holiday, period, self esteem, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): You need to talk to your boyfriend about how youa re feeking. He isn't paying to any attention and is being quite selfish.
You should tell him that your confidence is being shot. Also talk to him about how confused you are. Tell him that he has been sending you mixed messages and you can't tell wethere he is taking the relationship really seriously or not at all.
Good Luck
X.
A
male
reader, a_decent_1  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 Lack of interest.. !! Lack of Fear to lose.. !! Dear,What happens is that We guys start a relation with so much Passion that therez almost nothing left after a few months.. !! When we are insecure about our girl, we'll meet her whenever we get time.. But, with time, when we feel secure we start avoiding.. What used to be of PRIME importance then becomes Secondary.. !!Like, in the first 6 months he'd tell his buddies he won't play with them as hez going out with you.. After an year, He'd tell you Lets make it some other time, I've to play with my friends.. !! Got the point.."Taking you for granted" is what I wanna say... !!You just need to tell him that all this Won't do as you don't need it.. !! Sometimes the best way is to TALk to your Partner than seek a 3rd persons advice.. Just tell him that his lack of interest at most occasions is diverting your mind and you're upset with his behaviour.. Don't forget to be polite when you do so.. !!Since you mention about how hez happy with you learning car and stuff, I think he loves you.. But as i said, hez taking you for granted.. You need to keep your importance up there.. !! It's natural for guys to behav like that, a shock would make things normal..G'day
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124  +, writes (25 May 2008):
 this guy sounds seriously selfish!!! my advice to u is think hard about moving in w/him. he sounds minipulative and controlling.
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