A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i kee finding evidence of porn viewed on my partners pc but when i confront him about it he adamantly denies it, when it is blatantly obvious! we are from different countries which has meant that we have been apat for months at a time! please advise.. i appreciate that men need a realease and have asked him if he was watching while i was away as i can partly accept this but he still adamantly denies and becomes very aggressive about it.
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male
reader, Chippymunk  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 Try not to only think of this as a bad thing. Your bf may just be trying to keep his pride. Maybe he thinks viewing porn is below him and to admit doing so would make him less of a good partner in your eyes. Tell him that you know he watches porn and that it's ok with you and that it won't change how you think of him. He may still deny it, but at least in the future he might be more open about it since he knows you understand.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Hmm, I've read about psychology and "multiple intelligences". And how children (it was about educational environments, mind you) sometimes just don't get messages across by just listening. Sometimes something as simple as writing it down can make a difference. I guess this also applies to humans.Of course, multiple intelligences may not be key, but I think it's important to bear it in mind regarding communication, sometimes speaking is not the only solution, as we can get defensive.Ok, so here's what I would do. I would write him a letter. Non accusatory. You said you understand that men have needs, especially since you spend a lot of time apart. What I think bothers you, is that he lies about it. So that's what you have to get across.I'd write something like: "I understand you have needs that sometimes I can't satisfy, because we're apart. I appreciate this, and I can live with it. However, I also appreciate and value honesty a lot. It would make me feel better if you just were honest about porn. I won't be mad to know that you watch porn, as I understand this need, but I do feel hurt and mad if you lie. So please, be honest to me about it, and we'll have less problems."Men usually get aggressive when they're embarrassed, he probably also feels embarrassed about admitting to watching porn. You have to make him feel at ease, come to him in a non-accussatory way, make him feel he can be open with you. Don't be confrontational, as much as it makes you angry that he's lied. Also, if he admits the truth don't be like "Ha! I knew it, you liar, you thought you could fool me, I was right you were wrong, bla, blah." No... if he admist is, thank him for being honest. This will encourage him to be honest with you. He's probably scared of tour reaction to the truth too, so if you react well, i.e. accepting and thanking him for telling the truth, he'll learn that he can be honest with you.Also, only do this if you can genuinely be fine with the porn thing. If you just want him to admit the truth to go "I hate porn, you don't want me, you want other women" on him, then just keep quiet about the issue and leave it at that. Sometimes this is the only route to take. You already know he watches porn, so why make a scene about it? He'll watch regardless... making a scene never gets you anywhere.From what I read, though, I think what makes you angry is the lying. So if it is, just focus on that. Remember be non-confrontational and encouraging to tell the truth.Good luck in building trust!
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A
female
reader, x..BabyGirl..x  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 Most men watch porn. Be thankful his chosen way of releasing sexual tension is over porn and he's not turned to sleeping with another woman. I think he probably feels like you're cornering him about it and shouting down at him. Tell him you've found the evidence that he's been watching porn but that you're not mad and is there anything that he wants you to do for him that they do on porn. You may not really be up for it, but it will stop him from getting angry. Any maybe if you're not against it, you could suggest watching it together and then help him release the sexual tension in the bedroom.
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