A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where I stand with a guy I'm seeing, he calls himself my boyfriend but everything that happens just tells me otherwise.We both have just come out of long term relationships about 6 months ago we have worked together for the past 5 months but only really got talking about 2 months ago. Things happened really quickly for us we got together and slept together fairly quick I regretted it instantly but we are both adults so we knew what we were doing.He then about a week later asked about what I thought about the relationship over text so I rang him to chat about it I agreed that we have moved quickly and I wanted to slow things down as I didn't want to spoil things.I always feel like he looks so much into everything it's frustrating as I'm just getting to know him and vice versa I know I like him and stuff but these feelings are all new to me.We went on a date the other night, I don't know how we got onto the subject but it came up again he said it felt too easy and with his last girlfriend it was 6 months before he got the courage to ask her out. This is only his second relationship so I feel as if he is constantly comparing this to that!I tried to tell him that things wouldn't be the same with me because I'm not the same girl, but I don't know I like him quite a lot but the more he goes on about this the more uneasy I feel, he told me he cares for me and doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know what he feels either.I thought when you date it was to establish feelings to get to know each other but this all seems so complicated to me, please help shed some light on this situation, we talk a lot but I feel like I'm going in circles.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I totally understand how you feel. I only recently advised another OP against comparing the woman he is currently dating, to his ex.
Women absolutely hate being compared. They get enough of that crap from the media, going through high school, and being on the job. They can't even drive to work, without looking up at a 50-foot billboard showing some skinny model smiling with a giant cup of yogurt in her hand, like that made her curvy and skinny.
The last thing they need, is for the guy they feel most vulnerable to; to start picking them apart in comparison to some woman he broke up with. It makes you self-conscious, and wonder if he is even over her. You're not there as her replacement; or to compete with her memory. Period!
I personally do not like going on a date, and the majority of our introductory conversation is dominated by a memorial on an ex; and how terrible, or wonderful they are or were.
In his state of good intentions; he is paying you a compliment, but not realizing how it is taken. A common symptom of male foot-in-mouth disease.
Just one note, dating is supposed to feel complicated. You are both learning who the other person is. You are discovering weaknesses and strengths; and determining what wins, and what is a deal-breaker. You are winning. He finds you to be easy to get to know; which should be stored away as a positive point to your benefit. Men don't often openly express this observation; because it often accelerates the
progress of the attachment process. That isn't always good, and we often catch ourselves a mile ahead.
We guys then awkwardly try to back-peddle; once we find ourselves turning around, and finding our partner got left in the dust with a confused look on his/her face.
That's where you are. He's a mile ahead, and you're just coming out of the starting gate. Forgive his eagerness.
Calmly reel him back in. He can't move you any faster than you care to move. There is always one of the couple more willing to move things along. That is usually the one who is most likely to put the most into the relationship;
should it materialize, and a real connection is made.
You are still feeling things out, which is a wiser position. He might come down out of the clouds; and at the most inopportune moment in time, decide it isn't what he wanted. Who gets burnt?
He is still uncertain about dating. He has probably ran into a lot of uncomfortable situations, dealt with a lot of disappointment, and he doesn't feel adept to the dating scene. This is a common theme amongst us dating singles.
He is very young and really hasn't had a lot of experience in the dating world. That is becoming apparent to you.
Men look at relationships through logic, and your levelheadedness is refreshing. Women are usually more emotional, and his approach is confusing and makes no sense to you.
So he is expressing too much, too soon; because he is viewing you on a spreadsheet. You versus the competition.
Tell him again, he really needs to slow it down. You aren't ready for anything too serious, and you aren't sure he is either. You may have to be the stabilizer, and the one to pump the brakes. He wants to just get the formalities out of the way. That's not a good idea so early on.
You can make it less complicated by stating where you are, and ask that he try and stay on the same page. That should do it.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 This is just generalizing, and I think that women go into relationships to establish something, to move forward so it leads into marriage and family. It goes linear. For men, it seems that for them they go into relationships to explore why they don't want to be in them, and the only one woman who succeeds in inspiring and convincing him why he should be in one, would get a relationship from him.
Of course I know there are men who are clingy and would do anything to keep you. But somehow women consider them to be too wussy as men.
It's complicated because men hate failure and have fragile egos. There is also a possibility he's not over yet. It's complicated because in general a long term relationship benefits a woman while it's not so rewarding for a man. That's why they have to calculate everything in order not to be trapped.
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