A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid I have been single for some years now but the only men that seem to be attracted to me is married men.Why is this happening to me?Do I have some type of vibe that they figure I date married men?I just don't understand this.I been at my job for a year now and this guy that works there he is very attractive dark skinned and has an accent I think he is from Africa and when he says my name, omg. I fall to pieces his voice is so hot but I can't have him I won't take him he is married.Everybody at the job sees how we laugh and talk to one another but I'm not interested as that may think.So today it rained and he said he would be delighted to give me a ride I said no water doesn't hurt but time out shift was over the rain ended and I walked home but before we left he was playing a love song over the intercom toward me. I can't interfere in this man's life so why does he on a constant basis flirt with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2016): Thanks Everyone ??
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (1 September 2016):
 The reason any married man flirts with any woman is because he can't have her. It's fun, it's a game, it's a break from his hum drum marriage. He's enjoying every minute of it but don't encourage him unless you want to end up hurt and looking a bit of a fool. You're single so go and find a single man who truly wants to be with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): Your up for a bit of fun and the entire workplace knows it!
You feel good about yourself when you banter and blush!
He knows you melt when he smiles and he sees it as encouragement!
He feels he's got everyone on board because its cleary only a bit of harmless fun.
Some of his mates may have bet a fiver on the outcome that he will have sex with you.
I dont know if theres a second poll about where the deed will happen..in a cupboard, on a sink,or just a blowjob and fumble in the loo!
I can guarantee that he wont sleep the night with you if he goes to your house!
No, he will leave by 10pm telling the wife he was helping a mate.
He will expect you to be available for a quickie thereafter.
If you are dark skinned and the wife is white you will end up telling yourself she is just a bit of pork!
If the colour triangle is reversed you will tell yourself he really is the only one for you ,regardless of wifey!
But remember he went to great lengths to court the wife and you are clearly a bit of fun on the side!
As everyone else is aware of this and you have encouraged him quite a bit you could try telling him you are gagging for him,but only one thing he needs to know is that you were born a boy! You had the op!
We understand thats not true but your new found little stud muffin will not be taking any chances and he will back off from you because the joke will be on him if he goes any further!
Then look for a new job because he thinks the pussy is in the bag!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 August 2016):
 Not all people in a (assumed) commited relationship cheat.
Not all married people cheat. Many would never contemplate being unfaithful to their spouse.
Personally I find cheating distatetful and disrespectful. It solves nothing and causes much pain.
Most times cheaters seem to think no one has noticed but in truth it is often easy to spot and usually becomes common knowledge long before the cheaters realize it is common knowledge.
Once always hopes that cheaters will come to their senses before things start to unravel.
Cheating is never smart. Someone or often several others affected by the cheating do get hurt.
Though sometimes people will claim they never knew the other party was already in a relationship. When I hear this I know that one party was too accomodating.
If one party is coy about their address. Or they can phone you, but you cannot phone them outside of work hours, then suspect cheating. Or if one person in an alleged committed relationship becomes more secretive or has unexplained or farfetched excuses for being unable to attend something then you do have a right to challenge the said person to reveal the honest truth
But the people already in an alleged commited relationship (but who choose to cheat) or of the married people (but of those who do cheat) there are some who do cheat over and over again. They become practised liars. They flirt because it gives them an ego boost.
I am not interested in shaming anyone, for what they choose to wear.
But I will make the observation that a potential cheat will observe how their target dressess. If she wears too much make up, wears skirts very short or very tight or wears low cut necklines then the potential cheater may make assumptions. I know it is not easy, but that is how some minds work.
But who do they choose as targets to cheat with? I think those who become serial cheaters have ego issues in that, for some, cheating just once is never enough. Something within serial cheaters means that they are forever on the lookout for the next target.
Serial cheaters become adept at choosing targets who will be easier to manipulate and give them the least resistance..
How do they so surely identify these targets?
They choose from the following potential targets -
1.someone who has low self esteem
2. Someone easily flattered by their short term attention.
3. Someone who does not question the behaviour of the serial cheater.
The target of a serial cheater may want to believe that the attraction is ''true love'' but if they knew how often the experienced practised serial cheater had used the same lines on other targets then the target would come to realize that they are just another conquest feeding the ego of the serial cheat.
4. Someone who wants to believe it is ''real'' and is grateful for the attention and laps up the attention, thinking it is true love, when glib insincere flirting starts, thinking it is the start of a relationship..
5. Someone who does not shut down the flirting as soon as it starts. when the target first become aware that the other party is still in a relationship or is ''separated'' but not divorced or is still married.
When a married person or a person already in a relationship with another then starts flirting with you, and their intention is to reel you in, then learn to say ''No'' at the outset, and mean it.
They will go looking for an easier target.
Even if you have weakened in the past you can still choose from now on to minimise your time with cheaters to zero.
A cheater can offer you nothing more than sandcastles in the sky and empty promises.
In any case a cheater has already proved that they are not a person who can honor a contract made. They will break the contract any time it suits them. Because somehow cheating satisfies something within themselves. Despite the pain it causes to others.
The word of a cheater cannot be trusted as they lie so convincingly and feel no shame in cheating.
There is a weakness within a cheater. They throw in the towell too soon. They seek greener passtures at the drop of a hat.
They even come to enjoy the chase and the thrill of reaching and succeeding in seducing a new target. But once done they soon grow tired of the newest novelty. Then they move on to another target.
Cheaters are restless. Their own partner is never enough for a seasoned cheater.
As a second or third or fourth partner is cheated on adinfinitum, one after another.
Work relationships are best kept professional. It you want to flirt then choose some who you do not work with and who is not employed in your work group.
That way when you do break up then the outcome can be more discreetly dealt with.
To help you avoid a serial cheater - then in any social interaction keep your ears open and listen for clues re who is in a relationship - married or living together. Gather this intel discreetfully, by listening. And NOT by asking ''is .... In a relationship''
You may over hear verbal answers that give you a clue.
Some people have the confidence to ask straight up about a person and their marital status but personally I find that looks far too desperate.
However beware - a potential cheater may deliberately avoid telling you that they already are in a committed relationship. And then shrug their shoulders when you do discover that they are already in a committed relationship.
Make sure you nip in the bud any flirting directed towards you from a person who is in a relationship or in a marriage..
They can offer you nothing lasting.
Some people enjoy all the tension of a secret relationship. But examine the facts. What is the point of an incomplete hidden relationship where you can only steal occasional moments with the person and always be the part time person in the other person's life?
Be sure of what you want.
A partial relationship is not satisfying.
It is built on lies. It causes pain where you steal fleeting moments with the other party.
Where you cannot enjoy the relationship openly and instead you just have to be ready when the other person can find the time to cheat with you. To me it offers nothing positive for the parties and for anyone with integrity it must really weigh them down with a massive amount of guilt.
Though the serial cheater, I believe, feels no guilt and no shame. I have heard others say that ''there must be something wrong with their primary relationship or they would not choose to cheat''
But I have come to the conclusion that serial cheats often do, in their own way, at some point, really love their primary partner.
But the urge to cheat is just too strong. I think they are simply selfish and enjoy feeding their ego with new conquests, no matter how short term.
Of course once their primary partner discovers the cheating then the serial cheater may come up with excuses. Such as blaming the other person in the triangle for ''leading them on'' when in truth the serial cheater initiated the dalliance.
I am reminded of a dear friend, who, when she was being sweet talked to on a plane by an (albeit) nice guy in the next seat, she told the guy to not flirt with her. But to approach only if and when he was not in a relationship and not committed to anyone else and when he was serious.
She had been hurt once before, though he did not know that, at the time.
She was determined it would never happen again. She went back to her book and refused to respond to him for the rest of the trip.
Cupid must have been working some magic though and they eventually met again on another flight. He approached her far more seriously and sincerely the second time.
They did then exchange some contact details.
It took him two more years of respectful approaches online, before she relented. Eventually they were engaged to be married. She would put up with no nonsence.
If you believe in you and value you then you also know your strengths. You deserve to be respected. Not dallied with.
A good person, who is genuine and who is sincere will respect a person who is wary of beginning a relationship until the sincerity and integrity of the other party has been established.
You will not lose a genuine sincere other party just because you are cautious about starting a relationship until the parties have been able to demonstrate by their actions that they are both genuine, sincere and intent of being respectful and faithful to each other and truly free to pursue and NOT already in a relationship..
Easy come and easy go is a situation that can lead to much heartache. Where a person will very easily consumate a relationship even though they barely know the other party, then it often ends in tears. Especially where one or both parties are already in other relationships. Where such cheating takes place then it is no surprise when these temporary couplings come unstuck soon after they begin..
Of course there are exceptions. The author DH Lawrence is reputed to have met his future wife and consumated the relationship the same afternoon by ascending the stairs with the woman - to spend time in her bedroom while leaving her husband downstairs to wait until they had finished their private interlude. Such behaviour is not the norm.
Once it is clear that you have no time whatsoever to flirt with a person who has a partner or a spouse, then other like minded people, who also have high standards, are more likely to be drawn to you.
While those who prefer easier targets will learn to not waste their time with you.
To maximise your chances of meeting a nice honourable partner then do choose to involve yourself in activities where you will meet people who may have some things in common with you. A volunteer organisation that does good things for the community is one such place.
Or enroll yourself in an activity where you can learn a skill or improve your knowlege in some area. Choose activities that would appeal to people like you.
Such organisations often hold social meet and greets. Then when you meet people at these functions you will already have some things in common. And you can
Start a conversation with, ''what drew you to join this organisation''.
and ''What have your learned from volunteering to help this organisation?''
You are more likely to meet a partner who is a best match for you, and who is 100 per cent unattached, when your life is busy and packed with activities and you have a strong sense of who you are and what you will not put up with.
A nervous giggle when a married guy flirts with you will not put him off.
But a confident person. who assertively makes it clear that they are not available to be touched inappropriately nor spoken to disrespectively nor suggestively will drive off the potential cheater.
For long term happiness never settle for a cheater.
.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2016): This happened to me. He had his eye on me for quite some time but was much more subtle with his approach. Our attraction was mutual and we decided not to stop it. I've been where you are. It's exciting, intoxicating, mind blowing and euphoric. This man is meeting some needs you must have. And obviously you are meeting some needs his wife may be neglecting. Or he wouldn't be trying to initiate something with you. You are the wine glass and he is the bottle of wine. Looking to meet each other and get drunk together so to speak. Yes, you can allow it to happen. Justify it any way you want. But you can also make the choice to step away. Cut it off. Nip it in the bud. It's your choice.Let me tell you that having an ongoing relationship with a married man ends up costing you much much more than you ever imagined. It's fun and exciting in the beginning but once you start to have feelings for them and realize they will never leave their wife or make you a priority then it becomes soul destroying and takes you to depths of sadness you never knew you could feel. It's not worth it. All that heart break and wasted time and a chance at real happiness being snuffed out from under you.So many women fall into this trap. Whisked away by a fairytale without once thinking about how the story will end. I can guarantee that it won't end with happily ever after.Save yourself the heart ache now. Shut the door and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2016):
 First bit of advice I'd give you is to echo YouWish and say, STOP flirting with a guy whom you KNOW is married. You may think it's a fun way to spend you day at work, but be professional instead.
For some people flirting is just fun, for others... it's the beginning stages of romance. So if YOU were just flirting back in fun, but he was hoping for some "naughty" on the side, it ends up being weird.
And secondly, don't look for dating material at work. Even if they are NOT married office/work romances are rarely a good thing.
If you are SERIOUS about not wanting the advances of a married guy, stop playing games with them.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 August 2016):
 Well part of the reason must be your apparent availability, don't you think? If you are clearly off limits then they will be quickly discouraged. Perhaps a part of you likes the attention.
The other thing of course is culture. In some cultures men do keep trying. They see it as part of their masculinity. Westindian men notoriously have children by numerous women. I don't think I am doing them any dishonour in saying so.
In answer to your question you have to be firmer in putting off this man. He obviously thinks he is pushing at an open door.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 August 2016):
 Actually, you're not attracting married men.
You are attracted TO married men.
You're sending the signals to the guy to pursue you. That makes him a dog, and you don't WANT to be attracted to a married guy, but you fall to pieces and melt when he talks to you. He's smelling the pheromones coming off of you!
For you, it's location and opportunity. You need to BE where the single guys are, and the workplace is not a good place. You need to be around the single guys!
Also, stop flirting back with this guy! Yes, I know you're going to say that you're not flirting, but yes you are. You could go "ice queen" and tell him to leave you alone and go home to his wife. You could threaten to call his wife if he doesn't leave you alone. You could tell him you'll file a complaint with HR if he doesn't stop flirting. THAT is what a woman who doesn't want a married man's advances does. You, on the other hand, DO want him, but you don't WANT to want him because he is married.
You're playing with fire. Get serious about rebuffing him, and if you want single guys, go to where they are. Do not date co-workers.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 August 2016):
 You need to put boundaries in place. Tell him when he makes you uncomfortable. Don't flirt at all and don't let yourself melt when he says your name.Do speed dating, singles' holiday(s), etc.The second you find out someone is taken, move on. Don't let it bother you.
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