A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, bit of a weird one but I didn't know if anyone could give me advice.When I'm in a new relationship, or hooking up with someone, I feel very sexual and enjoy having sex. This tends to carry on for a few weeks, sometimes months - but one day, I'll suddenly become completely uninterested in sex at the snap of a finger. I even start to get petrified of the thought, clamming up and tensing when I'm touched if I feel my partner has any sexual intent at all. Nothing triggers it, just one day, switch - but the switch never switches back. It's very confusing and frustrating for both parties, it's not a case of finding partners unattractive - it's like the more comfortable I feel with someone, I suddenly don't want to have sex with them anymore, but then that causes drifts. I completely lose all my libido - and the only time I get turned on, even by myself, is with a new person initially again. I think, maybe I am asexual, but then I enjoy having sex and like most people, want sex, or at least want to want sex. I have been with my boyfriend for around 4 months and I am suddenly at this stage again, very early days into our relationship like it has always happened before. I've not seen him as much recently as I'm scared because I know he'll want sex, and I'll have to turn him down and even though he is understanding, it is awkward for us both. I have tried a few very popular herbal supplements we sell at work for increasing libido and meant to increase blood flow and get you in the 'mood' but even none of this works.Does anyone have any advice on how to resolve this, or steps, actions I could take? I don't really know what I am searching for, but perhaps someone has something to say or can see something I can't. I really care for this boy, I want to satisfy all his needs, and that includes the sexual ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): I think seeing a doctor and a therapist is the way to go - both a physical check up and mental "investigation" could help you get to the bottom of why you end up this way. The therapy is just to get to the root of the issue, if there doesn't appear to be anything physical causing it. You may have a subconscious reason that needs help to be realised.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): Do you want a gay-man's opinion? There are few possibilities you can consider. I think Madonna Whore Complex might be more of a misogynist-issue suffered in straight-men; less in gay-men who don't prefer sex with women anyway!
You might be commitment-phobic! Sex is an expression of intimacy. Intimacy often leads to people wanting an emotional-investment or reciprocation from you. That means an end to you being the one in-control, limiting your future sex-partners; when you wanted casual-sex with no-strings attached. Otherwise; you're finished using them.
Supplements won't help you. You need to connect sex with emotion; and stop trying to use people like sex-toys or objectifying good-looking people as something you use to please yourself; and to gratify your own vanities.
You are bordering on narcissism, my good man! You like people to make you feel attractive, sexually-appealing, gratify you with validation, adore your appearance; and to let you use their bodies for pleasure. Once you're satisfied, you want to give nothing back in return. You may fear you'll fail at it, or you will disappoint them. You don't trust yourself. All too common in the gay community!
Sometimes this is also an indication that you may have been exploited or molested when you were too young for sex. If someone molested you as a kid, and you didn't understand what was going on, the repressed-memory comes back every-time you have sex. It felt good, but it was frightening and more than your underdeveloped-understanding could handle. Now as an adult, you can enjoy sexual-pleasure; but it makes you feel like you did when you were molested. Vulnerable and attacked; but you don't know how to deal with the sudden panic! The flashbacks come only in feeling; they are not visual.
Even if this is all completely off the mark, you need to seek some counseling and therapy.
You deserve to be loved, and you have to develop the capacity to retain emotional-attachment after sex. You shouldn't feel shamed, molested, or forced. Maybe as though you have committed a grave sin; because of your harsh conditioning against being gay. You have to avoid hating yourself for consenting to intimacy; or condemning others for making you sin. You are who you are, and you have to come to terms with it. You are still in-control. Not over others, but yourself!
Avoid sex for awhile; and explain to your partner you are dealing with a few inner-conflicts about sex. You have to be honest, so you aren't pressured. When you see that nothing is being forced on you, and that you can offer your feelings freely, and without pressure. My guess is that you will be able to accept your partner willingly, and exchange affection on every level. You can explore sexual-pleasure in a variety of ways, without acts that may be in conflict with your ingrown values.
I think guilt is also playing a major role in your behavior.
You subconsciously hear your mother or parents scolding you in the back of your mind. Perhaps your conscience reminds you of the consequences of what you perceive as sin!
Anything you do that conflicts with your religious-convictions will haunt and deter you. That means you should refrain; until you know for sure that you can continue doing what you're doing without causing yourself serious anguish or emotional-disturbance.
Were you ever raped or molested? Just a hunch!
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (15 March 2018):
Google the 'Madonna Whore complex'. Does that sound like you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): Poster here, anon I am a cis guy and have never had any body issues luckily other than the standard societal pressure so I do not think it is that, but thanks.
Honeypie, I wouldn't say I jump in too quickly. I have known my boyfriend for three years, and we started dating each other long before we had sex (6-7 months before we had sex or touched each other). Just been official for a shorter amount. Also I don't masturbate, when I do it's more for practical reasons i.e. some guys get pain but I won't go into that! I also don't sleep with people unless we are connected, so often I have known them for a while first.
Maybe I should go to the drs though and get things looked into just to rule it out. Had not thought of that, thanks :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): Are you trans or cis? Do you have dysphoria or body insecurities that maybe disappear at the beginning and come back afterwards?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 Do you jump into bed WAY soon when you meet someone new? Or do you ACTUALLY take the time getting to know your partner (outside of the bedroom)?
Do you EVER let the chemistry build? For instance DATE someone for 3-6 months BEFORE adding sex?
Also when your libido "drops" and you say it "never" comes back - how long until you jump to the next person? Because it might also have something to do with that. If you are CONSTANTLY seeking that "high" of the initial "sex like bunnies" it might also be why you get "bored" with it so fast. It's sorta like masturbation versus sex. While masturbation is an "instant gratification" sex can be a million times better overall because there is way more stimulation involved as there is another PERSON involved. But for you, (for whatever reason) you have treated SEX the same as masturbation. You keep seeking another "high". You keep going for the sprint when relationships that include sex are a marathon. If that makes sense?
It COULD be medical not to psychological - you might be on the low end of the Testosterone levels in a man. Might be hormonal imbalance. So GO see your doctor and get a check up.
I don't think you are asexual - at all.
I think perhaps it could also be a little about sexual immaturity. (which isn't strange for someone your age).
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (15 March 2018):
 It could just be an age thing, you haven't found the right person yet, so you have relationships but they reach a point where they run their course. I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's a fairly common thing for people in their early 20s (me included!). Just be honest with the people involved about how you feel (in a nice way of course!).
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