A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Had an affair back in 1994 and had been married for almost 20 years. Can't believe that I did something like that and ended up hurting my daughters and husband so bad. I can't forget what I did, this was not like me, and did not have a reason to have the affair. My husband was a wonderful father, husband, and friend. Why did I do something so bad and for no reason? We divorced and he is with a woman that worked at his place of business for many years. I've hurt my daughters and this horrible thing I've done stays with me daily. I hate what I've done to my daughters and to their Dad. He has gone on with his life and seems happy. Why can't I go on with my life? Why does this haunt me daily? What can I do to let my girls know that they mean the world to me? So many times the two of my girls have showed no respect and treated me so badly. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):
Thanks for the update. Then I am glad you are trying with your girls. Plse then ignore my advice regarding letting them be.
I think what really really hurts you now is that your ex hb has moved on and that he is now in love with someone else. Have you asked him for forgiveness? I think you are Very lonely and you need to stop reliving the past. At least you learnt from your affair.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe relationship with my girls is better, and one daughter says she wants a mother/daughter relationship. This makes me happy and we are working on making this happen. The girls have told me to get over what I did and to go on with my life. But what I did still haunts me daily, and I know that it still bothers them even though they say or ( two of them say this) that it does not bother them, the one daughter that wants the mother/daughter relationship says she has questions. We are all working on this and I pray for things to continue to get better where we can all have the mother/daughter relationship. The no respect still happens now and then and hopefully this will get better too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): sometimes we only know what we have lost when it is too late. your daughters have to still heal, they too were betrayed by your affair and you destroyed their lives by the affair and the divorce. you all need to heal and put yourself in their shoes. what would you have done? hatred/animosity and disgust all around. it may have been a senseless affair BUT you paid a dear price for a few hours/months of sex. was it worth it. definately not. cheaters only say they have learn when they have destroyed everything around them. in yor case you learnt too late. sometimes a relationship cannot be forged in spite of how long the affair occurred. perhaps you need to move on without expecting anything from your girls. ,maybe the best thing you can do as a mother, who has learnt from this mess, is to leave them in peace. they are still impacted by the ending of your marriage and perhaps you need to be selfless and not force your way into their lives again. if they want to be part of your life then they need to come to you. i think they have suffered enough already. and in coming to terms with whatever has happened perhaps the best is to make peace with everything and have no expectations.
your story is a sad one, even sadder that your kids want nothing to do to you but one good thing happened. your hb moved on and is with someone who loves him and someone who will not destroy him. it is a hard lesson and if your story can help save a marriage then some other good would have come from it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): I was married to a woman I adored and we have five great kids. I thaught our live was wonderful. Then out of the blue my wife had an affair and that destroyed our marrage that was three years ago and to this day my wife can't understand why she did it. She says that this mans flattery went to her head and that she couldn't help herself. I ask you how selfish can a wife and mother be? Like you she now knows how happy she realy was before this affar happened. People sometimes don't appreceate what they have until it's gone. Like your husband I was unable to forgive
my wife because there was to much hurt caused. Although I am heartbroken over the end of my marrage I do not want my wife to suffer. I told my wife that she must forgive herself and move on. I have to admit that I do feel sorry for my wife now she seem to have lost everything and the most hurtful thing for her would be to lose the respect of her children that she loves very much. My kids were very hurt by all of this but they still love there mum and I am very proud of them for that. I hope that one day that your girls can forgive you. I will give you the same advice I gave my wife forgive yourself and move on. Nicky
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 For starters, beating yourself up for sixteen years probably isn't the best idea. It doesn't appear to have been productive, does it? Yes, you made a mistake, but you've owned up to it and are living with the consequences. It's time to learn how to forgive yourself. Since you've been living with the guilt so long, you might need to get professional help -- find a counsellor who can help guide you through the process of forgiving yourself.
As for your daughters, I would suggest writing them each a letter. Be brutally honest, accept responsibility for what you did and the consequences. Don't ask them for anything in the letter, just lay it all out. If they have any compassion, it might open the door to the process of reconciliation.
I would suggest that "for no reason" doesn't fly. It's simply not good enough to say there was no reason for it. You may have been bored, you may have been horny, you may have been weak and susceptible to his seduction, but there was a reason. Until you figure that out, you're probably not going to make much progress healing.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf my three daughters one of them just informed me that while she is in therapy, I'm what is discussed because she wants a mother/daughter relationship, but does not feel it is possible between us. I say it is never too late and it would mean the world to me too. I have tried so hard with all of my girls and one is better, one has always been good, and one is that she talks to me many times with no respect, doesn't answer my calls or emails. What should I do? She says that she loves me, but still sometimes there is no respect. I know that I did wrong and have admitted it. How much torment should I go through?
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