A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Recently I found out my husband of 13 1/2 years moved up from visiting porn sites to answering escort ads from sites like craigslist. I also found out that he has been visiting asian massage places for a while for r and t...found his account and postings on a blog site. I confronted him about the e-mail exchanges between himself and the escorts because that is what I found first, but nothing else. I told him I have compelling reasons to believe he has done more than have e-mail exchanges, but he continues to deny that he has done anything except talk with girls online. I have proof that he has visited the AMPs and that he had some kind of relationship (cyber only perhaps), with a woman named Liz. I found pics she sent him of herself in a teddy. I asked him who Liz was and he said he didn't remember. I checked his e-mail, which I know is wrong, and found that after I confronted him about her, he deleted the pics and then deleted her e-mail from his contacts list.I know I was distant from him sexually for a while and the reasons for that are vast, including 3 pregnancies and 3 difficult recoveries. We are both at fault. Some of it was medical and some of it was my own poor self-image, as well as the stress of raising a family and taking care of a home.We have been together 18 years. I want to forgive him. The amazing part of this is that I am most upset by the fact that he won't tell me the truth. I can forgive the cybersex, the pornography and the AMPs, altough I won't ever forget. I can't forgive the lies. If he doesn't fess up, I don't know what I'm going to do.Then to top it all off, it seems my sex drive has decided to shift into high gear since I found all this out. Why? I don't want to reward him for his infidelities, but I feel I'm doing just that if we make love.I know there is a lot of aspects here, but this whole nightmare is eating me up inside. I have 3 kids to take care of and I find I'm on the internet looking for answers and looking for other sites he may have posted on. I'm anxious and sick to my stomache whenever I'm home. I can't focus on anything and am extremely forgetful and short tempered.Do I show him my proof and tip my hand? Do I make him own up to his actions? I don't want to because then he no longer has the option of telling me himself which is what I really need.Please share any thoughts you may have. I do want to rebuild our relationship and I believe he does too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): run run run.He will never give you what you need. you can start over with someone who will love you aud be HONEST. 30 yaers i have been with my cheating husband. now i am an angry and vengfull woman, i make our lives as misserable as he has made mine. this is no way to live, run run run and never look back. i did run& met a great mam , then i made the mistake of looking back. now we are back together and very unhappy every time he trys to touch my i want to puke. my husband did cheat he was out all night with bar whores. then he would say "I BLACKED OUT, CANT REMEMBER" ya right. but i am the stupid one for not leaving sooner and for coming back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbigdogbj.....thank you for your insight. I'll take your advice to heart.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 August 2009):
 Your comment that you don't want to "reward" him by having sex with him is quite telling. Sex is not a treat that you toss you your husband for being a good boy or when he sits up and begs for it. It is a fundamental part of your relationship. If your husband is a normal healthy guy, late 30's / early 40s and he isn't getting it from you then he is at least going to be thinking about getting it somewhere else.
I've never felt myself desperate enough to go to a asian massage parlour in the US but my understanding is that when asian working girls get too old to work in asia they move to the US to give guys an oily massage and a hand job. Frankly, as far as the sex business goes, it is at the lowest involvement end of the scale, not that much different from him taking care of himself in front of a porn video - mildly interactive porn perhaps. In fact if the girl is genuinely good at massage then it may actually be doing him some good! The point is that he could have done far worse.
As to why he doesn't "confess", it is because he hopes that you don't really know and he believes that telling you would hurt you far more than you not knowing. He is a working guy, husband and father of 3 - he doesn't want to be made to feel that he is being called in front of his primary school headmistress for a telling off. In fact if he did "fess up", lay on a few tears for you, beg your forgiveness etc. deep inside you would lose respect for him and think "wow - what a wuss".
Here's what I think you should do:
1. find a time when you are both happy and the kids are not around and maybe have a couple of glasses of wine
2. when everything is comfortable and the context is one of loving interaction not a confrontation, look him in the eye, smile if you can bring yourself to and say "sweetheart (or whatever you call him - avoid the phrase "you filthy toe rag" or similar ), sweetheart - I know what you've been up to. I don't like it but I understand why you did it. I know maybe I've been too distant dealing with the kids but I wish that you had been able to talk to me about this. The rule from now on is that every dollar that you spend on massage is a dollar that I get to spend on massage (or whatever is equivalently therapeutic for you). Try to say all of that without letting him interrupt.
3. Whilst he is in shock, get a hold of him and say "Shut up and come and make love to me."
4. Repeat step 3.
If you do this then you will have a man that will love you more than you can imagine. I predict that you will wake up to find that he has made you breakfast and that he is about to get started on fixing the stuff around the house that you asked him to do about 2 years ago ....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): Uhh..he lies because he can even though the evidence is screaming in your face but you stay. why wouldn't he lie? aren't you still there? case closed. He has his wh*res and a wife that accepts lies and probably cleans the house and takes care of him. He's got the life and you got a loser. You can't make him do anything because in his mind he has no problem. you are the only one with the problem because you are the only one thats unhappy so do something about it. Here's what will happen. you'll threaten him to the point where he thinks your leaving and then hell confess one lie to sooth things over and dull your curiosity for awhile and then a month later youll know it was all bs and find out more stuff. he ain't ever going to fess up to everything.
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