A
female
age
36-40,
*harlie085
writes:OK there's this guy i was seeing for about a month I'm not going to lie and tell u it was amazing or anything but we got on great we always had a laugh and he always went on about how much he liked me and we even spoke about a future together. so anyway he ended it with me last week out of the blue stating we don't c each other enough. I left it at that and there was no contact for around 4 days. he then messaged me and we got talking. he asked me to go visit him and with a little bit of apprehension I went for the visit. we ended up kissing and I left his place more confused than when I arrived as he was still adamant he didn't want us to see each other anymore. we were texting back and forth yesterday and me being the upfront person that I am just came out and said he was basically throwing something away that had alot of potential over something as daft as distance (btw we stay 25 mins away from each other) he agreed but still said there would b no point. I called him because texting was never his good point and we talked on the phone and he basically said OK we will give it another go but I felt he only said it to please me which I didn't want so a told him to think about it and I would contact him in a few days. now the problem I am having is I can't stop thinking about it. I've only known this guy 6 weeks and I know I should just be walking away but I can't. He is 40. I thought seeing an older guy would mean a more mature relationship but it doesn't seem that way. I'm now wrestling with what to do and how to go about it. I don't want to come across desperate but I also don't want to lose the potential for something great as I have had so much bad luck with men over the last 5 yrs or so. so basically I am just on here looking for some advice my head is pickled. Anyone any advice that could help me?
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 June 2016):
 If he's using a 25 minute distance as a reason to break up then he's looking for any reason to get out of the relationship, as it's a pretty terrible excuse.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Well, I think the best thing to do is cross him off as a potential relationship and move on. HoneyPie said it all. He's not mature and the excuse that living 25 minutes away is "too far" is just that, an excuse. He probably just wants a friends with benefits relationship and correctly assumed that you'd run from him if he came right out and said it. You said that you have had bad luck with men in the last five years...I'm very sorry to hear. It's not easy at all. But hon, take some time for yourself. Sometimes, we date people who are (indirectly) a reflection of ourselves. I used to be extremely shy and insecure and ended up with a man who was VERY insecure and felt good about manipulating me and having control over me. It took me some time to realize this but when I did, I ran for it and decided that I'd stay single until I gained enough confidence to reject any other leech that tried to take advantage of me.
Don't call him back and keep your options open. Meanwhile, take your mind off things and indulge yourself with a hobby you love or something new. Treat yourself to a "Me Day" and get a massage etc. It's funny but it's truly when you're not making an immense effort to find someone that they waltz straight into your life. All the best!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Ah! You know what the problem is? YOU are dating a guy for his potential. The potential YOU *think* you can see in him, NOT the potential HE sees in himself.
You will continue the string of "bad luck" (or rather badly picked partners) if you ignore the red flags. In most cases the problems that crop up in the very beginning are the reasons why people break up, so I wouldn't be surprised if that will happen in your case too, AGAIN.
You make the presumption that you can "fix" or "change" whatever isn't working and everything will be fine, but rarely that is the case or either of you would have done that "naturally" without having to break up.
His age is NOT an indication that he is more mature, or that he will be more serious than someone in his 30's. There might BE a good reason as to WHY he at 40 was still single. As in, he isn't GOOD at relationship or he isn't willing to compromise.
And then, let's talk "booty call". He called you AFTER he broke up with you and asked you over... while you say you "just" kissed, he most likely was hoping for more. And not because he wanted to date you, because he reiterate that he didn't see you two as a couple. SO ask yourself.. WHY did he ask you over?
Was the reason he gave for breaking up valid? Did you two not see each other enough? Is that something that CAN change? Or... do you both have other priorities.
I think you ARE wasting your time on this one. He might be saying "let's try again" so that you might be willing to sex it up, because he knows he can always pull the "It's not working" card out again.
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): If there's one thing I've learned is wen somebody wants you he/she wants you, period. You can't make them want you. You can't do anything to make them see the potential. If you do not want to sound desperate, don't be desperate! Don't act desperate!Just let him call you and then hear what he has to say. If he doesn't, well that's that. There's nothing you could have done. You've already given him a second chance and he left you even more confused.Just because he's 40 that doesn't mean that he knows what he's doing and what he wants.To me it sounds as if he wants a casual (maybe even not exclusive) relationship with you, whereas you are looing for commitment.Don't bark at the wrong tree.If he wants you he'll call.Btw, a good starting point of dealing with desperation is admitting that you are desperate. You say yourself that you've been out of luck in the mast 5 years. Yes, it is a long time, but it's all a question of attitude. If your sole focus is finding the guy, no matter how long it's been you're always be desperate. But if you work on yourself, invest in yourself, pursue your interests and passions, that you could meet someone spontaneously with far less pressure.
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