A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so im 20, very nearly 21, and im a virgin and ive never had a girlfriend. Recently i lost my best chance at getting a girl. I met her just after Christmas and we got on really well, kissing and cuddling by the end of the night. We spoke on Facebook and over the phone after that, and then i met up with her not long after. I thought that night would be the night i would tell her what i felt about her, but before i could some friend of hers saw her in the bar and stayed with us for the whole evening and kinda wrecked my plans. After that i tried to speak to her but she didnt respond much to my texts or anything, and today i saw on facebook shes in a relationship with someone else now. As usual i wasnt confident enough and missed my chance. Im pretty much despairing now. I mean what kind of person is nearly 21, a virgin, no relationship experience AND male in this day and age??? My stomach turns when i think about it. The really annoying thing is ive got everything i need to get girls. People always compliment me on my looks, clothes, sense of humour etc (i know that sounds really big-headed of me but its true). So why the HELL cant i make those assets work for me?? Its not like im some social misfit. My only problem is my confidence, but i feel im overcoming it. But im still not confident enough obviously. My other problem is that i have never done drugs, smoked, and i barely drink any booze at all. I know these arent likely to be seen as problems, but i just feel like im too much of a "nice guy" a bit boring, and get show a girl a good/fun time. I dont really enjoy nightclubs either, which everyone else seems to.Sometimes i think about just losing my virginity to a call girl/escort. Maybe it would give me the confidence i need. I dont have any real qualms about losing it im not waiting for the so called special one, im not saving it for marriage and im not religious. i mean loads of people end up losing it in some drunken one night thing, which has always struck me as somehow worse than going to a call girl. The only real problem i would have with losing it to a professional sex worker would be that all my friends have found girlfriends and are "normal", and it would weigh on my mind that i hadnt, especially as some of my friends treat their girls like doormats, and i could easily find a girl. But its getting to the stage now where im just thinking "do something about this now, dont overthink, just take a risk, if it works good if it doesn't i tried at least". I feel as though im wasting my entire life away as far as this goes, and if i dont do something i'll end up as a lonely 40 year old virgin.Sorry for this massive essay, just needed to explain this properly. Thanks.
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christmas, confidence, drugs, drunk, facebook, get a girlfriend, kissing, never had a girlfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): The shear length of your question screams over analysis and desperation, don't try to force relationships or be upset when they don't happen, life is too short to be miserable, it will happen when it's ready to happen, if you try and force it you come across all rapey with greasy hair and a mushroom as your best friend (believe me I’ve been there). It will happen for you dude just chillax "it's all in the hips".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): Its going to be fine. All you have to do is meet a nice girl in some sort of social situation, get her number, and ask her out for coffee/a drink/dinner/movie and let it all develop from there. I think a lot of people waste too much time building up for a big 'moment' where they confess their feelings. Just be straight to the point and say, 'hey, you seem really funny/nice, want to get a coffee tommorow?'/'i've really enjoyed talking to you, how bout we meet up again, what's your number?' Use compliments, flattery, be interested, and ask plenty of questions because people love talking about themselves. sure it doesn't always work out, there will be some rejection, but at least you don't waste any time then and you improve your chances by putting yourself out there and getting involved. You seem like an intelligent, nice guy, and as you say, people have given you compliments on what are clearly some of your best features. use it to your advantage, study how your friends with girlfriends act and copy them. (also, lots of people are in the same situation as you, some are even older, but statistically speaking, there is almost no chance you will end up as a 40 year old virgin unless you join a priesthood or something. it just doesn't happen, something will come up, so don't let it panic you into doing something you wont be proud of)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): I am like that too the only difference is that am 17. I suffer from depression and i am going to see a GP tomorrow to sort it out. And i lack confidence when i look at myself in the mirror i tell myself how ugly I am. The problem is that i am too negative about myself. I am reading this book called "Confidence the art of getting whatever you want" its about building your confidence and i seriously recommend it. I don't know if the books works because am depressed and cant read it. Just read it borrow it from your local library if its available. When people ask me who was my first boyfriends i get so embarrassed and ashamed i change the subject. My target for me this year is to beat my depression and build up my confidence and next year its time to get a boyfriends. Loosen up enjoy yourself, Love yourself. GOOD LUCK
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 What kind of man is without relationship experience and a virgin at your age in this day and age? Someone like you. Do you feel this makes you a loser? Do you personally feel anything is wrong with you? If not, then why you do think there must be? By heavens, if there was anything wrong with anyone who are single then what does that make the rest of us?
You're not the only one in your boat, I can tell you that. You've not met the right person yet, and I know it is hard to swallow, but when you think about it it makes sense. I mean why should everyone HAVE to meet the right person for them as soon as possible or else call themselves failures? Not having met the right person yet can hardly mean anything must be wrong with you. It's a matter of time and life coincidences, and for most part it has to do with things out of your control.
That is, as long as you are putting yourself out there and are available for contact. Failure would be sitting at home expecting miss fabulous to land on your head.
Losing your virginity isn't some magic potion that will give you confidence. If you lose it under the wrong circumstances it might as well make you feel worse about yourself, such as "I'm such a loser, I even had to pay to get someone to sleep with me". See, that one could go both ways. When you're pessimistic about being a virgin you have just as good a chance to be pessimistic about not being a virgin.
"do something about this now, dont overthink, just take a risk, if it works good if it doesn't i tried at least"
Exactly what Im thinking. You need to just jump into it and take a risk. You've got things going for you, now all you need to do, as far as I can see, is to open your mouth and ask a girl to be your girlfriend. Don't take forever to do it next time, just take a risk and jump into it. If she says no then move on to the next girl and ask her.
A last piece of advice.. Don't get dramatic. Being a virgin at 21 is no guarantee that you will be a virgin at 40. That's 19 years ahead. You might even end up having sex before 2012 is over for all you know. So don't get dramatic, you wont die a virgin.
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