A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a close female friend who doesn't know many people in the area. I used to (and secretly still do) have feelings for her but being the incapable blithering fool that I am I successfully managed to destroy any chance of a relationship. A few days ago I invited her out to join me and some other friends who she didn't know on a night out in hope that she would make some more local friends. I drove round to her house, picked her up and we set off to meet everyone else. She got on really well with everyone at the meal and we all quite happily took a cab to a local club. We all danced for a while before she disappeared. I text her to see where she was and she told me that she wasn't feeling very well and had gone outside to get some air but would be back soon. I walk outside to check on her to find her talking to some guy and decide to leave her to it. I text her again later to find out if she wanted to go home to which she replied she had already got a cab back to her house with this guy.I felt hurt because I had put a lot of effort into trying to make her feel comfortable around my friends and she hadn't even bothered to say goodbye. I usually wouldn't have minded but the fact that I had gone out of my way to pick her up, buy her the odd drink and made sure she felt comfortable all evening.To make matters somewhat worse I knew that she had arranged to meet this guy previously, only she never thought to tell me. She lied about feeling ill as an excuse to go and meet him. That is what hurts the most. I can only take it as an insult to my intelligence (as little as it may be) that she would think I would just accept her poor attempt at lying. To add salt to my wounds she texts me later saying "Sorry about earlier, I really didn't feel very well". I haven't been in touch with her since. Although this is problematic I was thinking maybe I could use this to my advantage. I never usually tell people when I have a problem with them and instead just grow apart from them, usually a terrible approach but in this case I feel it might just have its uses. If I can remind myself about all the other times she has let me down (which she has) I may just be able to stop loving her. I feel stupid for being so smitten but I have felt like this since I met her two years ago, despite all the crap.We have booked to go and see a friend in Spain together next weekend so I'm not sure what to do. It may be somewhat awkward and childish of me to let this go unnoticed but how else will we survive the trip?Am I blowing this out of proportion? She obviously doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong, but then again she doesn't think me smart enough to even work out her most obvious lie. Just thought I would add that she is a very private person when it comes to dating and relationships. She has never once mentioned to me any guys she fancies and becomes shy when people tell her about her admirers. She has never asked me who I like either, possibly dreading the answer since I have told her a while ago how I felt.Maybe she just wanted some privacy? But then why not just say so, and why arrange to meet him when she knows damn well the trouble I went through for her. Maybe she still knows how I feel about her and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by rubbing my face in it? I'd love to think that was the reason, fool that I am. I'm sick of thinking about it and don't really want to confide in anyone with this. Any advice?
View related questions:
shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Hello Anonymous,
I was just surfing and came across your email I like to look at different situations so that I can analyze my own.
The hardest part to deal with is the realization you have entered the "friend zone". Believe me it sucks, you treat the girl like gold as you watch her take off with losers. If you(and don't lie to yourself) have feelings for this girl and still hope eventually you will be more than friends I would strongly consider taking some distance from her. Make some new friends, call up old friends, just do stuff to take your mind off things.
As for the ditching you thing, unacceptable. If someone you spend time with does something to upset you it's your responsibility to call them out on it. Not a sharing of sob feelings montage, a more of a hey that pissed me off conversation. I used to bottle up feelings or share them in a non-constructive way. Tell her the truth, I went out of my way to take you out and make you feel comfortable and you totally ditched me and that was shitty I expected more from you. You'll feel better trust me, I had a girl who kept begging me to hang out and then cancel. After the second time I said If your gonna make plans keep your damn plans I won't deal with that shit. I still talk with her but I know shes awful so I don't pursue it.
The point is if you don't let a woman, or even a friend for that matter know what you won't tolerate they will walk all over you like a doormat. If someone does something to piss you off(and its not your boss :) ) call them on it. If sharing your angry at someone about something ends a relationship it wasn't worth having to begin with.
Best Regards
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 February 2009):
I think that she lied because:
1: She will know you still like her and didn't want to say "had a better offer, cheers easy!! Think of me having lots of sex with someone who is not you! x"
2: She is a private person so didn't want to say "I'm off to shag some bloke but I don't want to tell you that as it's private so please pretend you don't know."
She just made an excuse to leave and left. If you were truly FRIENDS with her, then it would be something forgotten, or something to take the mickey out of when you found out the truth. You talk about "everything you did for her" when from all I can see you invited her out with your mates and that's about it. You may have had HUGELY honourable intentions but again this is because you are not truly her FRIEND.
The only reason you are so hurt by this is not because of her actions but because you are feeling hurt and rejected that she doesn't want you.
If it helps you to get over her then please by all means use this anger to move on. I also KNOW that you need to distance yourself from her (possibly after your holiday) and spend a bit of time not thinking about her, texting her or talking to her. You can still be her friend but only in as much as any of your other friends.
Don't try and play mind games to punnish her for this. She still cares for you and she still wants to be your friend, she just is going to keep hurting you because you are hyper sensitive and will keep feeling rejected.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, kathy255  +, writes (14 February 2009):
That sounds like a similar situation that I was in a few years ago. I really cared about this guy we hung out all the time I'd buy him drinks at the bar and do all sorts of things for him as he would do the same for me. Well I started falling for him more and more and he knew it so one day we took a ride together he wanted to talk to me. He explained to me that I was a great friend and of course he loved me but he did not want to be with me as a couple. He did not feel that way about me. He would not talk to me about any of the girls he liked either or ask me if I liked anyone. It hurt but we got through it and we are still best of friends. We love each other and would kill for each other but we will never be romantically involved with each other. She probably just wants to be your friend and knows you care for her and just does not know how to tell you. It took my friend a long time to finally tell me that he just wanted to remain friends. I don't think it will hurt your relationship as friends to let her know it might bring you closer together and be able to have good communication with each other, but only as friends. I know me and my friend are closer than anybody else I hang out with. Time heals all you will find your soul mate even if it not her. Go to spain have fun and to not make the trip there akward don't metion anything until you are on the way home. Hope I helped. Sorry I know how it feels to love and not be loved it hurts but I promise you will get through it and one day you will think of it as a learning experience.
...............................
|
