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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: Do weak ,shy fathers cause their son to be weak and shy? I have 3 sons,and none of them ever had a girlfriend,or not really even a friend. They also have other serious confidence issues,and they are all painfully shy. What is hard in every direction, like job ,relationship,etc. The therapist, I go to see says it is clearly lacking strong father modeling. And that he is very much responsible for this situation. But ,he says it is not, because, he never had a problem finding girlfriends when he was young,and he would not take any blame for this. Now,I m also not too sure,if there is a connection. There are clearly fathers,who are way worst,and they even leave, and never contribute. My husband was never really a strong man, but he provided,and was here,for help/.. He would not do anything else than his job,what is very one man job,but had strong values. Of not drinking cheating,beating etc. So I wonder,do you think,is there a connection here,,,for growing up with a passive father,and have low self esteem in his sons. Or it is totally the wrong path. I'm not looking for someone to blame, just I want to explain it to myself.
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confidence, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Gioia  +, writes (25 July 2010):
Don't you worry. I know you are not blaming your hubby. I understand. I have 3 sons as well and understand what you face. Males/Fathers are direct gender role models for sons as Females/MOthers are direct gender role models for daughters.
They will be fine. I don't know what the ages are..but as mothers we always worry about things like this. Mine are shy as well. Its up to them to handle this. They will slowly fit into society to some degree. These days there are therapists for everything and anything under the sun. Far cry from good ol days... They will be just fine. They have a good role model as a father and a loving mother like you to show them caring and affection and all the necessary emotions! God Bless you and your 4 men!
A
female
reader, oneshotofblonde  +, writes (23 June 2010):
i actually believe that genetics play a big part in the make-up of a person. if a person has reserved parents, and has been surrounded by reserved people, and taught values reserved in nature, it is likely they would take a reserved approach to most things.
however, that only explains the "shyness", or why they might be so reserved. it doesn't explain the self-esteem.
nobody is born with esteem, it can only be built. of course your sons may look to their dad as a role model, but this does nothing for an individual's esteem. they need to realize their own strengths through the process of growing up.
like you pointed out, your husband is a good provider, is independent and reliable. this, and his values would be his ultimate strength. your sons would need to see that for themselves, and realize their own strengths.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 June 2010):
 sorry..
their appearance, and about a million other experiences they've had at school. It's not a garauntee they would have told you all about it either, so you really can't know.
Some people are just shy. Eventually, they will find someone, warm up to that person, meet that person's friends, slowly get comfortable hanging out with more peoplem, marry into a family, slowly get comfortable around that family, and then who knows.
I'm shy.. doesn't mean I can't be happy.
But just be sure not to make them feel like they're socially doomed because of it. Then, how will they ever get confident?
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 June 2010):
WOAH.. ouch.
Pointing blame at your husband or anyone else is absolutely pointless and just kind of hurtful in this situation.
Unless your husband sat down with your boys every day and said "be shy, don't make friends, and girls are stupid," then it is not his FAULT.
Genetics are a powerful thing. It is proven that even if a boy never knew his bartending father, he is more likely to become a barender himself than any other profession.
I know you said you're not looking for someone to blame, but you've already pointed a finger to the point where your husband had to defend himself by saying he had girlfriends, so it's not he who is to blame. The least reasonable thing to do would be to make a shy, insecure, weak man feel that his kids are also that way because of him.
Your boys have to work on themselves to improve. Nature vs. nurture is a complicated subject, but with enough outside and self-nurturing, a person can become who they would like to become.
They're lack of self-esteem could be from friends they've had, rejection they've endured, fights they've undergone, their appeare
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): It can be so frustrating when people are shy, don't take it tout on your husband because it probably isn't his fault and could be something that both of you have caused! Physciatrists and shrinks just get taught to say other peoples ideas of physcology to people.
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A
male
reader, ALittleBird +, writes (22 June 2010):
Shyness and social anxiety are thought to have genetic components. It may help for you to google on those terms. I've had trouble with socializing and dating my whole life. My mother was not overbearing and my father was not weak. My parents were ordinary. There are online forums devoted to helping people cope with social anxiety. There are also shyness meetup groups. Some believe shyness is seperare from social anxiety and not a disorder needing treatment.
I believe shyness does have some benefits. I also see introverted aspects of my personality and there is nothing wrong with being introverted.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Stop blaming your husband, or trying to find fault with him.
Shyness is a mixture of nuture, it's in our genes and handed down by our parents, and our environment. Yes it's true, if you husband took a very passive role, it may have stopped his sons from knowing how to speak up and get what they want.
But that is their lives, they will have to learn to work differently.. you cannot (unfortunately) live their lives for them. They may be lucky enough to meet a shy girl that suits them, or they may become tough with experience.
Please do not try to worry so much. I know you love your sons and you want the best for them. But the only way for them to cure their unhappiness in life, is to learn to do it by themselves.
Overcoming battles brings pride in self acheivement... and that will bring confidence which will overcome their shyness.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 No, it could simply be the way they are. These days and modern times because of mediums such as television, print media, and the internet, this allows marketing organizations to pre condition people in a way that the idea of the outgoing, extraverted individual is pushed on to young people. This causes situations where the individual seems to be quiet shy or weak and a group of individuals who feed off of the garbage that these conditinal markets feed down thes people look upon "individuals" as strange all because they are different or not doing the same things as others may do. These marketing organiisation do this purley to make them spend money so being outgoing and extraverted is the person they are conditioning in order to achieve that goal.
Have you noticed when you look on a persons social networking page that everyone seems to like the same things? but if those people really dug deep enough into who they were as an individual it would probably be very different. Individulasim is becoming uncool because marketer find it hard to market to so many different sub-groups.
So your sons are not weak, shy people they are "individuals" and they have their own sets of goals that are probably not what most conditioned people would like because it's not the same as them. Because of this your sons may become lost and unsure of themselves believing it has alot to do with them. But in reality if they can understand that this by being focused and goal orientated, they can be very very successful individuals.
The sad part of it is some people never recognise this, it may even take the term of ones natural life to rise above and and succeed beyond whY they ever dream. Bill Gates for example is one of those people once like your sons. Just one individual. The same goes for their dad, he is not weak or shy, he is an I dividual that may have not discovered himself and that discovery can come anytime.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2010):
 It takes much more than just a shy dad. It can also take an overbearing, domineering mother to cause a guy to escape into his shell.
I knew a family for about 13 years with a similar dynamic. Shy, short-ish, timid dad and a VERY overbearing, domineering, "overmothering" mom. She used punishment a lot more than she used rewards and had to be the one who always had the last word. If anyone in the family challenged her even the slightest bit, she would bully them into submission, including her husband.
She had 2 sons and a daughter. The 2 sons were also shy and timid...and so was the daughter. They never had a girlfriend until they left home and got out from underneath the oppressive mother.
She was also absolutely the LOUDEST person I've ever heard. You could hear her from across the room, especially if she was yelling at her kids. To my knowledge, she never abused them, but she was totally pushy. She used to berate her husband if he wanted to drive the family places, as SHE considered herself the best driver.
I'm not saying that you are also domineering or oppressive, but your kids are the result of their own personalities and a product of both of your personalities.
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