A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:All through my life I have avoided relationships and getting close to guys. When I was a teenager I was quite plain so never got any male attention.However as I grew older I blossomed and had a few men wanting to get close - but never the ones I wanted, so I turned them down.In the end I ended up seeing 2 guys one after the other - one who was nice looking - but was a complete psycho nut, and the other was just out to use me for my money.As a result I stayed single for a while, but recently I had a sexy guy interested in me again - but I even told him I wasn't interested (playing it cool) so he went off with another girl I know instead and now I'm regretting it badly.So - Why am I like this? I just feel my whole life has been unlucky in love - when everyone else seems to find happiness...Will I ever get my last guy back again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014): Thanks for the advice guys & girls - yes it's true - I have avoided falling in love & I have missed chances by playing hard to get. I just thought the thrill was in the chase - but it seems guys don't wait & quickly move on these days.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 December 2014):
Dear OP,
I can't tell you why you are like this. Maybe it has to do with the way you grew up and the role models you had. Maybe you made some bad experiences. Or your ideas about love and relationships are unrealistic.
But no matter what is the cause, I think you are getting in your own way and you should make it your new years resolution to change that.
My advice to you would be then, to take your problem seriously, don't put it all on "bad luck". There are some good self-help books on amazon.com that you can start to read, as a first step. Really, I think that books can be a good investment for a start. "Make every man want you", by Marie Forleo, is one book that I liked. It's more about loving yourself and being authentic, than to learn "tricks".
But a coach or counsellor might be even better.
One thing I can tell you is that you shouldn't play games with men. Like playing cool/playing hard to get.. this "game" hardly ever works and just creates misunderstandings and confusions. Feminism has taught men to respect a woman's opinion.. so how should they know that you just want to play, if you say "no, not interested"? Those that will still try, are actually the creepy ones.
So far, I've always been far better off (far! I can't stress it enough), when I was plain honest and as simple as possible. As in: Translating my thoughts literally into words. Women are usually more subtle than men, they give each other hints to communicate. But men don't get hints, a lot of the time.
Therefore, the most important life lesson on love so far, that I have to offer to you (for free ;-)) is:
If you like a guy, tell him!
If you don't like a guy - tell him!
If you have a problem with something/ a concern/ a question - tell him!
This means that sometimes, you'll face rejection or you will disappoint someone (and it's bitter), but sometimes, you can also have success (and this is really sweet!).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014): Well, if you rejected the last guy and he found someone else; it's safe to say he has moved on, and has lost interest.
If it's meant to be, your paths may cross again someday. If you're asking if you should go after him? No! You missed that window of opportunity. If he's interested enough, let him comeback to you. His male-ego would instantly reject you as a normal reflex-action to your turning him down first. You know human-nature. What goes around, comes around.
Never compare your life to the lives of other people. You see only the surface, and what they want you to see. We all have our own individual struggles. If you're fortunate enough to find someone, the challenge is to keep it going. That takes patience, an open-mind, a positive-attitude; and you have to have something to offer in order to get something in return.
When you start telling yourself there's something wrong with you, but do nothing to fix it; then you're accepting what's wrong with you. That's lazy! Why would anyone want the version of you that requires work, that you don't even like about yourself? Give what you want back. The best you can be.
If you think you have issues with communicating with men; then work on it. You don't have to date or marry every guy you talk to. Just practice carrying on healthy and jovial conversations. Get comfortable with men on an intellectual-level. The more upbeat and confident you are, the more attractive you are. Giving off vibes of insecurity turns people off. That includes both genders. Nobody wants to be friends with a "Debbie-downer." We can do bad all by ourselves.
Read articles and books. Introspect and work on the obvious flaws that you know get in your way. You've given two examples of failure in your post. You rejected one guy, because he wasn't what you thought you wanted. Was this based solely on his appearance, or any other factor(s)? You have to go beneath the surface. Setting the standard of "good-looks only" might keep you looking for a long long time. How about average to handsome. That broadens your range of male-types. Some average guys are so sexy, sweet, and absolutely fantastic lovers. They're dying to find someone to show their romantic side. Ladies always want the "bad-boys!" Until they get royally screwed-over!
Focus on good character and general sex-appeal. Don't let race limit your choices either. Hot guys come in all colors, shapes, and sizes. You have to get inside his head, and you'd be totally amazed what you might find. Some ordinary guys are truly awesome! Their genuine, and just don't come-on as strong as the players. You have to give them a chance. Stop setting standards so high you can't reach them yourself. Don't set them so low you'll trip over them.
Then you say you don't get the guys you want. Welcome to the world of reality. Most of us "want" people, only because they're attractive. We should desire to get to know people before we form opinions one way or the other.
Strike-up conversation and listen. Evaluate a guy by how he carries himself. His general opinions, and his disposition.
Make a mental checklist of personality traits you truly find appealing. Of course you don't want a Quasimodo!
Determine if you are judging men strictly on appearance and nothing else. Clear your mind of preconceived notions of some perfect guy. Look for the personality traits you feel you're most comfortable with.
I tell many of my single-lady friends to stop looking for husbands. You've got to find a boyfriend first. Put emphasis on "friend." Someone you like and feel you could build a connection. Don't put the cart before the horse.
If you've been single a long-time, it's easy to get desperate and fall instantly for the first guy who says nice things to you. Just stay cool and talk to men who approach you respectfully, and can carry on a good conversation. If there's any chemistry, nature will take its course; and you don't have to force anything.
You can't wallow in pessimism. Telling yourself how lousy or miserable your life is. If you're never thankful for anything in your life; who deserves to be with a person with such a bummed attitude about themselves and about life? Think about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014): Why do you cheat yourself out of potentials? Im guessing the same reason everyone else does. Either you think you're too good for someone or not good enough. Thinking like that kills off any sign of life in a relationship. Overconfidence or arrogance and low self esteem both are terrible. Who knows why. Somethings you wont find the answer to, but if you are tired of living like that then do something about it. Like if a guy asks you out, give him a chance. If it works great if not, there are more guys out there. Same way if you want to talk to a single guy, invite him out with you. If he declines, there are other guys. Unless you spend time going out getting to know guys personality for more than you will never know. Some people are not drop dead gorgeous but they have amaszing personalities and it takes all the attention away from their plain looks. Do something about it if you don't like it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014): OP, you have not been unlucky in love. You have actively avoided falling in love.
Here's some advice; unless you are disgusted physically by someone, give them a chance. Attraction is more than just the first physical impression.
Also, don't play games. If you like them, say so. Life is too short to waste it playing games.
Think about why you avoided relationships and turn people away. Unless you identify the reason why and fix it, you might continue to push people away.
Good luck
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