A
female
age
36-40,
*inalae
writes:Hey there, I am having an issue with my boyfriend for quite some time, he likes to see women in bikinis and watch bikini contests, we honestly don’t have much sex like at the beginning of our relationship we have almost 3 years, I am a good looking girl 17 years younger than him, nice body etc, so I am wondering why does he have to see this, am I not enough for him, aren’t I sexy enough for him or motivate him enough.Is this why we don’t have enough sex or is it because his hypertension pills. Or is this just a normal thing every man does, and doesn’t mean cheating.I am wondering if he is not into me anymore, loves me truly, I don’t understand, sometimes we are both tired, he likes me to initiate I like him to initiate. I just dont want to seem like I am begging him to be intimate with me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2020): He had a high libido before, so this is not about his libido or taking hypertension pills. He is young and health. The difference between him and other men of his age who have a partner is that he is only turned on by seeing a woman in a bikini, when he cannot get that he will look at photos, fantasise, maybe ring a sex chat line and get the woman on the other end of the phone to pretend to be wearing one and "talk dirty " to him about it until he "feels better" and so on. The fetish has taken over.
I have known men with all different fetishes, one could only get turned on by women who held a load of coloured balloons on the end of a piece of string - so you can imagine how hard it was for him to achieve that in real life. Another had to hear the woman cough - or pretend to cough, there are a thousand different fetishes out there. The most common are feet, boobs, legs, slim bodies or big bodies.
If you want him then it has to turn him on and excite him.
The snag is that as a fetish progresses it becomes more and more important and more and more difficult to get excited so the man has to keep upping the anti. i.e. the man who gets turned on by balloons will want more and more, bigger and bigger balloons to achieve the same excitement.
You cannot change this, only a therapist can, and he is enjoying it so he will not ask a therapist to change him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2020): Obviously your guy has a bikini / swim suit fetish. If you were to dress up in them he would get turned on. The trouble with a fetish is it takes over, the person loses interest in other things, it grows and develops and gets bigger and stronger and more serious as it goes on. It can begin as a mild interest and eventually totally take over. His libido is fine if he is turned on by his fetish. It is common for a man to be taken over by a fetish. Have known of many instances of this. You decide if you go along with it or you walk away, because he will not change.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2020): He is 17 yrs older than you so with a simple arithmetic he must be in his late forties or early fifties. Plus he is taking hypertension meds. Actually it is at this stage of one's life when the large age difference between partners show its effect. I am almost certain he is having a hard time getting it up. As for looking to bikinis well, if he can't buy he can window shop. My advice if intimacy is important to you which is quite normal it to be, you should seriously consider leaving him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2020):
 Why do you presume there is something wrong with YOU when HE does this?
You can't control what he CHOOSES to look at online. And you certainly aren't MAKING him look at bikini contests either.
Yes, his medication can definitely play a factor and so can his age.
My question is this, YOU are a grown woman WHY have you not asked him what is going on? Don't start with accusations or blame (on either of you) but ask him if he noticed the drop in intimacy and does he mot miss it like you do? This is not an issue where you need to look for blame but to find a solution.
TALK to him and figure out what you BOTH can do to improve on the situation. Even if he has a lower libido or lower chance of an erection doesn't mean your needs need to be neglected. There are many ways to be intimate.
Be creative.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2020): The fact you are so much younger than him is the huge give away here . You are dealing with a man who thinks women’s sole purpose is to be ornaments and eye candy for men . He most likely didn’t feel confident enough to get a woman his age who is his equal and couldn’t get one of he tried . So he reduces women to body parts and objectifies them in order to feel better about himself . Women to him ore just things to be viewed and judged by him as attractive or not . Being with a younger woman is a way to say this is what’s valuable in women . No doubt he’s the type of guy who looks at women the same age as him and says yuk This puts him in a position of power in his mind
If I were you I’d run
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