A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need help... here is my story...I'm a 30 year old male who suffers with a social phobia and depression problems. About 3 years ago I decided to start meeting people on-line in the hope of finding a partner with similar interests. I met an amazing Canadian girl who wrote a really detailed profile about meeting people with my kind of morals (tee-total, vegan, anti-drugs etc) She also wrote don't contact me if you've ever cheated on a girl...She told me that she wrote her profile about making friends with people the opposite of her ex-boyfriend. She said he took drugs, was an alcoholic, borrowed her money and cheated on her.We never dated, but we became really good friends. We used to meet up every week and go walking, hiking, jogging etc. 6 months later she announced that she was leaving to go back to Canada. Naturally I was devastated.I decided to get a Facebook account so I could keep in touch with her... and to my absolute horror I saw that the guy who cheated on her, had got on a plane and travelled thousands of miles to go partying with her, she posted the pics on her Facebook of her getting drunk with him, so the two profiles contradicted each other...she then continued to meet tee-total, faithful guys in England. And the reason she went back to Canada was she moved in with him! I asked her why she was so contradicting to me and her other friends... she refused to explain and blocked my e-mail. I found out later she did the same thing to people in Canada a year later.For the past 2 years I've been trying to get answers and find out what she's doing... I spend a lot of time trying to find info on her via forum posts. I also created fake accounts, contacting people via Facebook... this infuriated me further as it showed how contradicting she is. But I cant stop, Its like a drug. I found out the guy got violent, she went drunk driving, she's involved in drugs etc. Part of me is worried, the other part is still upset with what she did.Someone just told me that when the guy that cheated on her went to visit her in England, he had a girlfriend at that time. He lied to her and said he was going camping with his buddies in Chicago, yet went partying with his ex in England. They broke up because he slept with her in England. It appears everything she said to me was lies, and all for an awful person like him!. Since hearing this I've not eaten for 3 days, nor slept. I've met 5 girls in total on-line who genuinely did have things in common with me, they where all nice girls, but not really for me, so we became just email friends. Yet I'm so obsessed with this liar who lives thousands of miles away from me its making me ill. I've even started talking to myself... I have arguments with her in my head.Its 3 years since I saw this girl and its getting worse... A big problem is my social phobia, I cant just "get over it" and move on... I have no friends and live alone. I don't mind having no friends as I'm not a very tolerant person anyway. I was quite happy before I met this girl. I just need to forget about her, but I cant, I'm obsessed with her. Its getting to the point where I'm thinking of hurting myself as I just cant stop this. I realise this might seem a bit trivial to some, but I just don't understand why I cant get over a girl who didn't like me in that way AND lied during our whole friendship. I cant even talk to her to get answers as I'll be accused of harassment.I don't really have a question, but just want to know what do you think I should do? I've tried anti-depressants, they didn't work. I tried taking up new hobbies, but when I go outside I have conversations with her in my head. Please advise. Thanks for reading.
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alcoholic, broke up, drugs, drunk, facebook, her ex, his ex, liar, money, move on, moved in, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): Please talk to a counselor and don't allow this pathological liar to dominate your thoughts any longer.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
 your social phobia and depression are the reason why you cannot put this liar in the past. are you getting professional help for your problems? i understand you are stuck in a cycle where you need friends to give you something else to focus on but you can't make any because of your social phobia. you will always find people here though that will discuss things with you so don't worry, you are not totally alone.
the best thing you can do is resist the temptation to look at her facebook or to search for her on the internet. when you are using your computer and you feel you are about to search for her - switch it off. leave the room, find something else to do. find a hobby, even something you can do alone if you do not want to mix with people.
you seem to be caught in a habit of looking for her profiles, but if you continue to do this you are not gonna forget her. it has been three years already, that is long enough to grieve the loss and to feel ashamed that she tricked you.
what she did to you is not your fault, people like her are good at what they do, you never saw it coming and neither did the other people she has lied to. you are probably preoccupied with wondering WHY she did it - sometimes it is better to just accept that you do not know the reason for someone elses f**ked up behaviour. her life sounds totally shit anyway - drugs, alcohol, cheating abusive boyfriend - tragic - but HER problem NOT YOURS ok?
next time you find yourself having a conversation with her in your head, just say 'to her' - 'i don't know why you did what you did, and i don't need to know - i am better off without you'
you fell for an illusion, a fabricated version, like a ghost. the person you thought you knew does not and never did exist, not really
x
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