A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We had a great day together. Around midnight I went to bed, he was watching a game on TV. I woke up at 2:30am and he was not in bed. Without much thought I went downstairs. He is on his computer, chatting. He said he was chatting with his coworkers. (They are all computer geeks, and some work from home like him.) I told him: "This is not normal. Why did you get married then?"He followed me upstairs with the words:"F*** it. I've been so good to you. Why don't you give me a break?! It's Saturday night." We went to sleep. Who is right and who is wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): A great reply from you, hun and what a good. positive attitude you have. So glad you let it go and started a new day on a wonderful, happy note with your husband. We could all learn from you! Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): It's nice to know that you've taken on board what we had to say. Like you say, today is a new day. Treat it like the start of the rest of your life and you'll be a lot happier for it.
All the best
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. What I got out of it is that HE does need more space. And I should choose to trust him instead of getting suspicious. Also, I should watch my choice of words and apply them to a specific situation.
Today, is a new day. I did not mention a thing about last night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): helpmeplease, I'm a computer geek too, and it's not always that simple. I've lost track of the number of times I've stayed up late either working, or taking part in random creative or musical bits with some other guys I know while we're all online. This is both in and out of relationships. Have you never had a night where you just can't seem to switch off? Would you willingly inflict that on someone else? If so, then I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with you ;)
As far as the other stuff goes, as long as you trust he's talking to who he says he is, what's the problem? So what if he's downstairs, he's better down there than in bed with you unable to sleep, because he WILL just keep you awake for no reason! Maybe not intentionally, but it'll happen, take it from another insomniac.
Maybe he shouldn't have snapped, but I know in the past I've got a bit annoyed when I think I'm doing something for the best and it isn't appreciated. Maybe he was just thinking "I really can't win" because he thought he was doing you a favour by not interrupting your night and then you go in all guns blazing, and questioning his motives for getting married. Seems like a MASSIVE overreaction to me, and I'd probably be ticked off if I was in his shoes too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Hun, I am trying to really, really figure out what happened here? Why would you think it was such a bad thing, and an insult to your marriage that he was chatting to co-workers/friends, online and lost track of time? Does he do this a lot? Is there more to this story you aren't telling us? If he did this every night of the week, then I would say you have a problem with his overuse of the computer. But f this is an occasional thing or even twice weekly, what is wrong with that? I myself, chat to my dauughter, my good friends about twice a week via msn messenger. Sometimes, it does get late. My partner just goes to bed when he's tired and I join him later...no questions asked. So why is this upsetting you? For him to say "F**K it: I've been so good to you. Why don't you give me a break?!" He wasn't abusing you...he was angry and standing up for himself. So tell me 'why don't you give him a break?' Maybe there's more to this story. Write back and tell us.
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male
reader, Jamer70  +, writes (21 October 2007):
 i may be a man but i dont get whats wrong here. yes he did overreact to the issue. But he could of lost track of time easily when he was chatting to his mates. Also he could be doing much much worse than chatting to co-workers, he coulda invited them around.
I do believe being married is about being together but he should be able to chat to his friends and saying "why you get married" doesnt help your both wrong here
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female
reader, Helpmeplease123  +, writes (21 October 2007):
Funny how the men always take the guy's side. I definitely believe that a grown man should be able to get his priorities right and shouldnt be talking to his wife like that never mind spending hours during the night chatting on the computer to people he can just get in contact with during the day. However i am aware that people can get moody and say things that they normally wouldnt when they're tired! Goodluck x
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female
reader, Manya +, writes (21 October 2007):
Well, I can see why you got upset, possibly you felt left out, like why wasn't your nice day enough for him? But he couldn't sleep and had extra energy, so instead of waking you up, he went on the computer. I've had something similar happen to me, and felt kinda jealous, because I wanted my guy to be with ME.
At least he came up to bed with you when you asked. He was loyal, if ill-spoken. My opinion is that you were a little too hard on him. Perhaps you've felt left out in other ways at other times? Your reaction may be symptomatic of something else. Are you neglecting things YOU'D like to do by yourself just to be with him because you think it's right for the marriage?
I hope it all works out. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it! GOOD LUCK!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): you are wrong - why should it annoy you if you're sleeping?There are many worse things he could be doing!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): You knew he was a pc freak when you married him. So now he has to change who he is. So long as he is not talking to girls. SO WHAT! and would you rather have the guys come over at 2am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): If he was just chatting away to his coworkers then why did he get abusive? How would he feel if that was you? i bet he wouldnt like it. We can all get carried away while chatting and the time does fly but not that much, sorry, but i think you acted quite rightly. Dont let him talk to you that way. Let him know that you are not keen on him on there late into the night. If they are his coworkers, doesnt he see enough of them at work? I know i dont what to hear from mine in my spare time. But that is me!!!
take care
xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): I don't blame you for feeling what you feel here. Even if he did loose tract of time, he should not be that mad at you. See how often he does these kinda things. I personally do not like that. I think that he is the wrong one here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Time flies when you're messing about on the computer. He probably didn't realise what the time was, and you were asleep anyway so he probably wasn't too bothered about the time.
The fact is that it IS normal. Lots of people do it. Why ask him why he got married?
If I was a marriage guidance counsellor I would tell you to give him some space on his own when he needs it, and tell him that you would like him to come to bed at a more reasonable hour.
I don't think it's a simple case of who's right and who's wrong, but if it was, I'd have to say "Both of you".
Phil
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