A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 15 years (no children) and have not had sex for 7 years. Before that the sex was unemotional. When we first got married it was ok for a couple of years but then became difficult - although I would say there was always something 'wrong' or 'missing' in how I felt but could not really work out what. For years I have not been able to imagine having sex with my husband because I don't feel the right emotions for him. He has been cruel to me putting me down and kind of controlling that I am feeling really low on self esteem. He has hit me a few times but it has been part of a bad argument although one time he held a pillow over my face. I think the combination of these things, whilst not occuring every week or even month have contributed to me gradually withdrawing my feelings. I continue doing everything else - cooking, cleaning, being emotionally supportive and thoughtful but I just simply cannot consider anything further. He has tried to make advances but I do not respond - its like I'm closed off. I also feel that if I did respond then I'm just being used as he doesn't make an effort with our relationship in other ways such as taking me out or being loving and kind. Now we sleep in seperate rooms because I can't stand being in the same bed although I've made the excuse its because I have difficulty sleeping. My husband is a nice looking man and looks after his physique but i am not attracted to his personality. I know some women would have sex with him just for the sex as he is attractive but I cannot find it in me to do that for the sake of it. I now feel I cannot let this situation go on and on. Whilst I have been able to ignore the problem and hope it goes away or changes by concentrating on my career I have realized it cannot go away now. Does anyone understand this problem and have any advice? Please help.
View related questions:
self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): It is clear that your marriage is in a serious state and has been for some time. Abuse of any kind should be unaccetable. I guess sometimes we don't see how much we are accepting until it all becomes too much, then it is difficult to think and act rationally.
Maybe this request for advice will be the start of something new for you now.
I don't want my response to sound unsympathetic or dismissive of the treatment you have received from your husband, but I do want to say that it seems you are fully aware of his impact on you over the years. You also do seem to understand that over the years this relationship has become unloving and unsupportive - on both sides.
The thing is, I think you have said that you know why the sexual relationship has dissappeared, you know he is not making any effort to rectify this, but you don't say if you have discussed it or what you have personally done to help yourself? 7 years is a long time for both you and your husband.
Please do not mis-interpret this as condoning his abuse, but also consider why and what benefit it has been to you to continue in this marriage.
Throughout your post you never mentioned you had love for him. You have however said you have tried to ignore it in the hope it goes away. Honey - it's not working and you understand the problem better than us.
So I guess it is about making a decision and deciding if you are prepared to continue ignoring the problem for another 7 years.
Do you want to stay married. Do you want the same relationship you have had, or do you want something new and perhaps without your husband?
I think this may be something you need to answer yourself about what you do now. In or out honey?
If you want your marriage to continue you need to look at what steps you have already taken to sort out your problems. If you haven't done anything constructive than ignore it, then you have some work to do also. Does your husband know that his behaviour is unacceptable and is the reason for you not loving him any longer?
So many unanswered issues, even for us to advise. Irrespective of the abuse, a relationship, marriage and sharing of lives, involves two people. This is both of your lives and you play a role in this to. Ignoring things has not worked well. What is it now that you want to happen?
xxx
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (4 June 2008):
 He has basically destroyed any love you have for him and I dont think you can gain this back with a man who has hit or abused you even once. Even if there is a long gap between incidents it doesnt mean it wont happen again. I suffered mental and physical abuse and couldnt bear him to touch me and used every excuse under the sun to avoid sex with him for many many years. When he put me in hospital I still went back but told him if he ever raised his hand to me again I would leave, even during this time I hated sex with him as he had knocked all the love and respect out of me. It took him two years before he did it again but the day after I set my life on course arranged everything and told him I was leaving, two weeks later I was gone and I have never looked back.
I think it is time you seriously thought about moving on x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Hi, it is clear that although the abuse has not reguarly been displayed, it has still left mental scars that have slowly assisted in shutting down the physical and emotional sides of your marriage.
The main question you have to ask yourself is do you want to fix this and continue in your marriage or do you want to start fresh and find out what it is like to be with someone that feels right, from the start?
If you want your marriage to work, I think you need to start by remembering what brought you to marry this guy in the first place. Sex aside, was it ever everything you ever wanted? Hold on to those moments and recreate them where possible. I think you are absolutely right to withold sex from this relationship at the moment, You need to sit down and talk with your husband about whether he wants to work on your marriage or whether he has already given up on it.You need to come to a compromise on how he can contribute to the household work to make your life easier and set some time aside to spend together away from the house aswell. Only once you have got to know each other as if for the first time must you even consider sex, there is no point in having emotionless sex with your husband, that wouldn't be fixing anything, just getting his hopes up for a regular set up.
Make it clear also that the slightest sign of abuse, verbal or otherwise then it really is over - and please mean it. Have a plan incase this situation occurs.
If you already feel as though enough is enough then again, speak to your husband and tell him that you dont see any point in continuing this marriage of convienience. Tell him that you have been unhappy for many years and that you have decided that you both deserve to be happy and get everything that you want from a relationship and that it is time to move on. It will be tough but if the emotion between you is as dead as you say it is then it should be easier than most break ups.
I wish you every happiness, whatever you decide. Lifes too short x
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Hi there,
I'm really sorry to see you going through this. Personally whenever I hear about a lady being hit by a man all consideration for his feelings go out the window. It is unforgiveable and cowardly - and if you were someone I knew I would consider it a privilege to kick his chicken livered butt for you.
So I am just trying to figure out why you have stayed in this marriage for so long? Do you rely on him financially, are you able to support yourself in the interim if you left him ? If not try and skittle some money away , you only need a couple hundred quid to get a motel for a few nights - then hopefully friends and family can lend there support.
I think you need to start thinking about your own future rather than how what you do will affect his future. He has abused you emotionally and physically in the past, he may do it again in the future. You are still a young woman, your life and future do not end here, there is plenty of time for you to go out and meet new people.
I hope some of the other Aunts can offer some more advice as I have little time for men who beat women and I'm afraid they deserve nothing except contempt.
Leave him and start a new life for yourself - not all the people on the Guy team are like this - a lot of us actually respect women.
good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): You deserve better! from what it sounds like, he abuses you and takes you for granted in every way but sexual. Get out while you are still young and at the prime of your life! find your soul mate, because it obviously is not him! Everything happens for a reason and maybe God wanted you to know that there is more to a man that just his good looks, apparently the good looking men are either gay, or big jerks underneath, everything will work out, but know that you deserve better and don't take such abuse any more! you deserve to have your husband make love to you and romance you, not having someone hit you or put a pillow over your head, i would have been long gone, don't put up with it, stand up for yourself and if you are strong enough to sleep in a different room than your husband, try a different house and see if you are truly happy or not! Hope i helped
...............................
|
