A
female
age
41-50,
*alynda19
writes:Not sure which way to turn. There is a lot wrong in my marriage right now and it's not one persons fault more than the other. Granted there are things he has done that i disapprove of and he thinks he did nothing wrong as well as I'm sure there are things I have done but wouldn't know it cause he doesn't talk to me. I feel very much alone and lost. I have considered divorce. Not sure if I am ready to be on my own with 3 kids or throw in the towel after almost 20 years together. I would like to go back to counseling but affraid that he will just throw in the towel after a few sessions and it will be useless. There is so much going on in our life together that it seems hard to separate from each other. For a little bit of back ground.... He had lost his mother in 2005 who he was close with and 6 months later lost his father which he hadn't spoken to in over 10 years. It was rough for a bit but things seemed to be going ok. He has always been a big sports player and traveled a lot to play even when we couldn't afford it we managed to make it happen. It start to become a strain on me with the kids and I asked him to slow it down he took it as an ultimatum and quick completely. In 2008 he graduated from the dept of corrections academy and became a Corrections officer. He had to start working 3rd shift. With both our work schedules and the kids schedules things have just gotten stressful. two years ago he started useing facebook and i found out that he was texting one of his ex girlfriends as well as girls he meet thru work or facebook. I have been very insecure and lost all trust in him. This irritates him and he doesn't see why I should feel the way I do. He had to have major surgery last year and it has been a huge strugle for us. He has loss almost complete use of his right hand which is his dominant hand. I have tryed very hard to be suportive but I am not sure if it is enough or if it is pushing him away. I feel like I am the only one struggling to keep us together. Sorry to ramble but any advice is helpful. Hopefully I gave enough for you to base your advice on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I'm going to suggest ONE more (but no more) honest talk with him and if he doesn't shape up, then move to a trial separation. And to tell him that. But when you talk, don't just agree to "try"...instead lay down some specifics and set another date for when you'll re-evaluate your marriage to make a decision one way or the other. You have to show him you are serious.
Marriage shouldn't be the only contract in the world where there's no consequences for failing to uphold your end of the deal, and where the contract can't be terminated for failure to uphold your end of the bargain.
the thing is, since your problems have been going on awhile, and he just doesn't want to talk, and he's been flirting with other women...and yet you two are still married....there's just zero incentive for him to change. He's obviously unhappy as are you. Perhaps his problems lie outside the marriage. Maybe he has clinical depression from his parents' deaths and surgery and all that. Whatever the root cause, it is affecting the marriage and he has to take responsibility for when his personal problems affect his wife. But whereas you are trying to patch together the broken parts of the marriage, his approach is escapism - escaping from you and the marriage. This is not good.
And if he refuses to talk or get help for his personal problems then it's not going to get any better.
You are his wife, you are not his therapist. there's only so much you can do.
You said you two have already been to counseling? Or was it just you who went? You have a feeling he'll just throw in the towel after a few sessions.
Thus, I think it's time to give him ONE more last chance and to seriously consider separating. If you don't make divorce or separation a very real possibility, I don't see why he would change since it seems he's not motivated to improve the marriage he just wants to cope through escapist behavior and get by the way things are even when you are very unhappy. It's one thing if he wishes to live his own life in a state of unhappiness. But when his issues are making his family unhappy, he has a responsibility to do something because this is outside of him now.
So I would suggest, start preparing for a separation, mentally and logistically. Plan out where you will live, scope out apartments in the area or make a list of friends or family you could stay with temporarily. Start getting your finances in order or at least know all details of your personal finances. Knowledge is power. Just because you're doing all these things does not mean you have to proceed to separation and divorce. You can still choose to stay together IF he starts to improve and meet you half way. But I think if you've been trying a lot already, this isn't the first time you've been trying and he's refused, it's time for a Backup Plan. who knows maybe knowing you're serious enough to start preparing for separation may be what drives him to actually do something. If even this doesn't motivate him then truly nothing will and you will have your answer what you must do, and you'll be at least a bit prepared for it already rather than reaching that devastating conclusion with no resources in place.
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 It can be quite hard on a woman in a marriage because most women tend to take control of the kids, the house, and work and it's not appreciated how hard that can be. Now your husband has lost both his parents and even though he may not have seen his dad for 10 yrs im sure he could be remembering all that he used to have. Also the loss of his mother, he may not have got over that yet. Facebook causes lots of problems in any relationship because it's just too easy to speak to anyone. I'd tackle the texting of the ex first and make that your starting point. If he says she's just a friend, are y ou allowed to do the same , if you have time that is. He probably doesnt realize the extent to which it is all hurting you but really you both need some time out together without the kids, time for yourselves if you can arrange it and see if y ou can't sort something out. Grief can make us do strange things and see life in a different way, like we have missed out on something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Struggling to raise three children is enough stress to stress a marriage.
What you are dealing with is "normal" stuff except for the facebook and texting thing. That is a major issue and SHOULD generate mistrust. You should feel insecure, if you didn't this would be a problem on your end.
"irritates him and he doesn't see why I should feel the way I do"
This is BS from him, and he knows it.
You both need to go to counseling together, and if the first counselor doesn't work then get a second, and so on. Both need to commit to opening up fully and that will take a lot of time.
You probable have some hard days ahead with this. Good luck. My wife and I went through this type of thing, it took her till our 3rd counselor to open up and months with that counselor, but she finally opened up.
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