A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago, and it did not end well. He had been lying to me about using cocaine and it spiraled downhill very quick. We dated for a year, and I fell harder than I ever have in my life. I can't stop thinking about when he got down on his knee and told me he wanted to be with me forever. I've never loved somebody so much, and I always believed that we would work it out. When we first met he told me he did do coke, but that he stopped. I had a suspicion that he was using again, and I eventually caught him. I'm not sure how often, but at least 5 times he lied to me about it.He got so angry and his mood would change so fast, it got to the point where it didn't seem like he even liked, let alone loved me. For awhile I tried working with him, but after a huge fight where he accused me of cheating (which he never had ANY reason to believe), I spent the night at a girlfriends house (we lived together). He got so upset that he changed the locks on me. So the next day after work I called my dad to help me move out. It took him lots of screaming and fighting to finally ask me not to move out, but by that point I was so hurt and angry that I felt I had to stay my ground. Now sometimes I think that if I hadn't moved out we could have made it work. We had been working together so I went and got a new job and moved home to my dad's house. We said we were going to work on it, but I always felt like I was the only one putting in the effort. A couple weeks later he got fired from his job, because of the cocaine and I found out he had been stealing from the the place where he worked. I talked to his mom and told her what was going on because I didn't know what else to do. He of course blamed me for everything, and convinced her of the same. He immediately got a new job and seems to be doing well. For awhile he still contacted me, mostly just late night to come over. Sometimes he would go missing for days at a time. But I never stopped loving him. I'm usually such a strong person, so its upsetting that I've allowed someone to hurt me so much, degrade me, call me names, and hate myself. My 19 year old cousin passed away two weeks ago and I texted him to call me, it was important.When he did he asked me what the f*** was so important.After I told him, he didn't seem to care and just hung up on me as I was talking. He had been going through a divorce when we first met, and I was always there for him and supportive, so I expected the same.But he wasn't at all. In fact I found out that he lied to me and said he was at work but really wasn't. So I wrote him a goodbye message and have now blocked his number. But now what do I do? I still think of him everyday and wonder why he stopped loving me. People have told me I am beautiful, smart, funny, successful. But that doesn't seem to be how he sees me.We were supposed to make this work, why did he turn his back? I'm lonely and sad, just putting on a show for everyone around me. How is he happy and all I can think about is him? Please help.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 August 2011):
 Cocaine is terrible. Drugs in General are a terrible problem all over the world. Cocaine is one of the really bad drugs. Leading to the big "DOWN" after the initial rush the user would get from the drug. Of course mood swings will get worse and worse with any cocaine user. The "DOWN" feeling leading to the user hating themselves. And increasingly the user will need more and more to get the same HIGH. And that will lead to more risky behavior as the user tries to find the money to support his/herhabit.
You cannot make him stop. Only he has to come to the concusion that he must get help and he must get help to stop. And even if he gets help it may be two steps forward and one step back several times. To get through these times he does need access to good professional support.
It is all very well for the very rich and the upper middle class who can afford this 24/7 access to professional support and the dedicated facilities where they can leave their job for several weeks and enjoy residential care to address all the risky behavior that led to him trying cocainein the first place.
Getting such help can be very difficult.
He needs to be on side to address this problem.
If you keep trying to fix it and he is not on side then you will just burn out trying.
You can give him the facts and tell him what your boundaries are.
Such as "you will give him every bit of support and do everything you can to encourage him to get clean. But I will withdraw my support if he refuses to move towards getting help or if he makes a decision to go back to using".
If he is still using cocaine then he is not the guy you feel in love with and he is fast becoming someone unlike the guy who you knew. He is getting his temporary euphoria from the drug. But this cannot continue.
All the times he wants to stop using, he forgets when the craving gets to him. And he may well want to stop. But unless he is seriously well off where can he go for six weeks of residential care to get off this drugs? How does he then afford weeks and perhaps months of continual support as he learns to say no and mean it.
If you google what is on offer to help the ordinary people or the poorest in the community to stop using crack cocaine and cocaine one can only conclude that some countries are much more serious about helping and supporting the ordinary people and the poorest of the poor to get off these drugs and to get the dealers at the highest level out of the market.
There are countries where people can get help with residential programs and after hospital support, fully supported by their government. If they are willing to use same.
Whereas some countries claim to be cracking down (no pun intended) on the poorest most marginalised addict with two rocks of crack cocaine and make a big song and dance about arresting a person for this. That is pitifull.
People need quality rehab services to remove such drugs from their lives and programs that are either free or affordable and easy to get into. Not weeks and weeks of waiting lists.
This week I saw a frightening film account of how cocaine is made. I have never tried drugs and am not interested in doing so. But as a parent I think it is important to be well informed. If only people could see the absolutely poisonous terrible muck added to the leaves to make cocaine they would be shocked.
While your guy is using Cocaine he is not helping himself to be the man you want him to be. The long term effects are terrible. It affects so much and is very very dangerous. More so for some people than others.
But after seeing that program on the ineffectual efforts to deal with cocaine and the so called "war on drugs" and the program showed footage of the completely useless spraying program where the planes always "just miss the plants, and accidentally always spray the farm crops of bananas and other footstuffs". This is so "suspect". Rather than hurting the big Drug cartels growing the leaf the spraying program affects the poorer people who are growing foodstuffs. The Glyphosate being sprayed then denudes the land (always just missing the coca plants that are the leaf that becomes cocaine - funny about that?)
Then manufactures of Glyphosate profit.
The pilots profit (it is dangerous work)
But many plants that not coca are destroyed.
Fish and frogs are killed
Women in neighboring Ecuador are now suffering increased infertility.
And the farmers who previously chose not to grow Coca end up being forced to succumb to growing coca or making cocaine in order to feed their family as their own land has been denuded of the legitimate crops they planted and are now destroyed, not even suitable to give to animals as feed once the glyphsate has ruined the food.
Then some spokesperson bleats about how hard it is to stop the growing of the coca leaf.
Personally I do not believe the spokespersons for the spraying campaign. It sounds like a rort to me. See the footage and one could not think it was anything but an expensive rort.
So you are up against a serious set of foes.
Leave him some literature on getting clean. But only he can make that decision.
Also tell him to Make his Will now as he will not live a long life if he continues as he has been continuing. That may have no effect on him if he is still in denial.
But at least you will know you have given him good advice.
No matter how much you love him you cannot destroy your life trying to help a person who will not help themselves.
Yes there are many many Rehab Services in the many countries in the wordld . They are absolutely everywhere. And yes there are meetings eveywhere. And I am sure there are hundreds of thousands of well meaning good people who staff these places With some better than others. But I feel a sinking feeling that it is just a drop in the ocean against the enormous juggernaut of the scourge of bad dangerous drugs affecting every country in the world.
Maybe one day a more co-ordinated world wide approach might be possible and maybe they can set up wonderful free non-judgemental and non-sectarian free networks and FREE counselling services across the world with a consistent approach to help support ordinary people with drug and mental health issues. Not AFFORDABLE but a completely FREE service. And not just a fancy front that invites rich people along for a big dinner to talk about doing it, and then does little after that.
You may have to very reluctantly move on. It will hurt. But you have to weigh that up against "How long can you keep banging your head against a brick wall if he will not listen?"
Be kind to you and look after you. Very Very well. Otherswise you will not have the inner resources to help anyone.
Best Wishes
Abella
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