A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, all. I have situation, in which, I could use some advice.I have been dating a wonderful woman for a year and a half, we have a lot in common and there exists a lot of love between us. Now onto the problem: When we first started seeing each other, I had just recently broken up with my ex-girlfriend. I stupidly brought her into several conversations we had early on. None of them were made in a negative context, and they were quite honestly thoughtless statements(we guys are so often guilty of this!).So, speed ahead a year and a half, almost 87% of all our fights are related to these careless comments that took place over a year ago. She still seems insecure about my feelings for her. Although, I have on many many occasions denied any feelings, now or at that time, for my X. We have had numerous conversations about this issue. However, they little things will set her off.I would love if I never had to hear my x's name mentioned again. I feel as though I am dating my current g/f who I love with all my heart, and my X who I loathe(and was the one who broke up with her)with all my heart. Recently she was looking at my Facebook account and found a 3 year old message about my X to a friend. It wasn't candid or specific, however, it added more fuel on the fire. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle here.Every time we quash a problem she has about this issue, five more problems arise. I tell her it isn't healthy to talk about Xs and that I only love her. I do not want to converse with her about her Xs as I know it would only cause issues. Did I already open Pandora's Box stupidly mentioning my X early on in our relationship?I want to marry this woman and she has been pushing for marriage too. However, I feel that we should conquer this hurdle before we tie the not. Any advice from the "experts" or the "laymen" who have lived similar experiences are much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Me and my boyfriend became friends when he and his ex broke up. I was the one who helped him get through the breakup and we ended up liking each other and dating a month after his breakup. Two years later, I still feel insecure. I saw how much he cared about her back then and it makes me uncomfortable whenever anyone brings her up, even though I bring her up a lot. I still seek reassurance from him, making sure he's never had feelings for her while we've been together. I'm just starting to get over these issues. It's similar to your relationship, I guess.
It probably was a mistake on your part that you did this. It fueled her insecurities. However, she needs to take another look at your relationship (like I've been doing in mine) and see that your ex is nothing to you anymore. There was a breakup for a reason, and there's no way you'd ever want her back. Let her know how you feel about your ex (hint: don't use any passionate words including hate or loathe...what will make her most comfortable is thinking that you don't care about your ex, saying 'she's nothing to me now'; hating is still a form of passion, and that's not good). Then let her know how you feel about her.
A
female
reader, june234  +, writes (31 May 2010):
you sound like a really wonderful boyfriend! i think you should share everything you just wrote here with your girl. i don't know what else a girl could want.. telling her that you are completely in love with her and that you want to marry her. she may be clinging onto the past with those ex conversations because she wants to be certain that she can fully trust you. i can relate. i had the same situation with my boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship. he is a lot like you in that he is constantly reassuring me that i am the one he loves etc.. i can say that because i am in the same position as your gf, it does help for you to keep telling her how she is the only one for you.
are you still in contact with your ex? if not, i don't see why she can't get over this. this may be just an underlying insecurity/jealousy issue that your gf has and i think you are doing everything you can to try and make things right.
keep communicating with her. this stuff is probably on her mind a lot and it would probably comfort her to know that you recognize that she's upset about it and continue to reassure her that she's the one for you. women never get tired of their guys telling them that they're the one. :) Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2010):
 The best thing you can do is invite her to coffee and open your heart to hear about this whole thing. Be as honest and candid with her as you're being with us, and don't sugar coat it or beat around the bush. Tell her you are interested in a future with her, but you have to banish the ex once and for all, and that means bringing her up during arguments or conversation or comparison or ever again.
Tell her how her doing that makes you feel, and that you know it's her insecurity doing it, but that her continually bringing her up makes her hesitate in talking marriage or being open with her in those type of situations.
It's a heavy conversation, but it's one that has to happen in a place where there can be no distractions or anyone else around.
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