A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and I started out as an affair 5 years ago. Shortly after, we both seperated from our spouses and the truth was known to them. He told me he was getting divorced. I was honest and told him I wasn't sure what to do, I was full of anxiety and confusion. Something told me that something wasn't right, but no answer was found. he lived hours away and I was busy trying to rebuild my life working 3 jobs. We continued to see eachother, he told me he got his divorce finalized, but I still didn't and he knew this and it bothered him. 2 years after we started, I find out he never got his divorce and was still having a relationship with his wife and she found out he was still seeing me. Things blew up, he told me because I was so wishy washy that he wondered if he was making a mistake by ending his marriage so he never finished it. He ended his marriage and said he wanted to make it work with me, so we spent the next year arguing because I felt he was still lying. And finally it came out. he had kept a lot of things from me. Mostly things that had to do with him hiding his relationship with his wife. So we split again, and he came back promising undying love and change. Again, I give him a chance because he is telling me things that he wouldn't before. He appeared to be willing to tell me the truth now. So the next year is also crazy because he can't keep a job, or a car due to repossession, he can't find a job in town that lasts. So he moves, on my urging to get a job because I wouldn't and couldn't support him anymore. So he moves away and we continue a relationship. He hit a low bottom at that point, he had no money for food. I ended up sending 100 to get him food and to get to his aunts house. He found a job there and was there for 8 months. Last year he found a job near my town and wanted to move back. The distance was impossible for a lasting relationship, so I said yes. Then I found evidence of porn on my computer, he had always said he never watched it, when I confronted him, he admitted it after some lame excuses. But I was surprised he admitted it truthfully. Normally he wouldn't have died lying. That was 8 months ago. Since then, as far as I know he hasn't done anything. He gives me his paychecks, he swears he doesn't want porn in his life because it is shameful for him and I haven't seen evidence of it. He appears to be honest, loving, and caring. I have yet to get my divorce finalized. I haven't had any relationship with my ex other than as parents, but we have yet to tackle the hassle of the house and 401K, etc. He says this is causing a real problem and I need to finish it. He stated that I had a day off work and I didn't go file. This gets thrown in my face everytime he is in question about trust. I find him hard to deal with. When we have a small issue that could be compromised out he gets angry and shuts it down. Everything is an argument these days. I wanted to meet his family, he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to be around them. No matter what I ask for to help this relationship grow toward positive on his side, it turns into an argument about me not being divorced. Money was a big reason it didn't get done. Between me supporting him in the past and my job has been unstable and unknown for a while, the business was in real danger of closing and I was hardly getting my hours. He knew this. He was there. We can be bestfriends. or worst enemies. we seem to get mad and tear eachother apart verbally. Strongholds set in and neither wants to give. Due to the strain of everything that has happened in the past, lack of trust, financial burdens, we work opposite shifts, we seem to argue a lot. I believe I see change in him but I am afraid to trust that it is lasting. I always wait for something else to come out. It is better today than it was 8 months ago, but this takes time. He has a hard time dealing with the fact that I don't trust him as much as he wants. Sorry this is so long, but I can't see the forest for the trees sometimes. I feel like we have worked so hard for so long, spent so much time, and would hate to give up now if it had hope. But sometimes it feels as if there is no hope, that we will never be able to overcome the damage or he will lie and hide again. He says the same, that he loves me, wants to have a life with me, and doesn't want to give up after coming this far. I feel that some sort of power struggle is there. When is it time to quit?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): This relationship was based on lies and deception i.e. the affair and apologies if I sound holier than thou but you reap what you sow. Did you imagine that you could build a loving trusting relationship by betraying others' trust in you? The best thing to do is walk away from each other, spend time alone and hope that you meet someone new.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): "When is it time to quit?"Sadly, it is long past, and the time to quit is at the beginning.Not being sarcastic here. Just that you are in an affair that has gone on a long time, it is nothing more than that still, and this is how most affairs end.This may be hard to hear, but you need to do the following:1. End the affair. It isn't good for you, and never was. This is a severely dysfunctional relationship.2. Either end or repair your marriage. You need counseling in either case, and need to figure out why you got yourself into such a messy situation.3. Once you have done #1, and #2, work on understanding yourself better, and try not to get into such a dysfunctional situation again. It won't be easy.I'd suggest a lot of reading, starting with the following.http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Now would be a good time. This relatinship was off to a bad start and things haven't gotten any better. And I'm not optimistic about the future.
Then spend some quality time ALONE. Re-invent yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Neither one of you is willing to commit fully. You both have aversions and hesitation. However, he seems to have tried to do more to be with you. You are sending him definite signals of not wanting him because you wont divorce. You won't commit, and yet, you are looking for change in him that indicates devotion and commitment. You say you don't trust him, but you give him nothing to trust or hold onto either.
In affairs and relationships where there is the strong inflluence of a previous relationship, you HAVE to have strong commitment to make the new relationship last. Neither of you is doing that. If you both can't do that to the satisfaction of the other, your relationship is doomed. Relationships based on expectations never work out well. I would say end this and move on.
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