A
female
age
36-40,
*lza
writes:Dear Cupid,I am puzzled how to ask my boyfriend for a foreplay and give him hints on what I want. I am trying to be delicate and not sure if my ways are working.We used to have had great sex, he would always listen to my suggestions and try to (successfuly) implement my sexual fantasies, and we always had a lot of foreplay, but everything has changed when we moved together. Shortly after moving togher our sexual relationship changed dramatically - it seems that my boyfriend is "relaxed" now that I'm with him and doesn't need to "impress" me anymore.Not only we wouldn't do any of my mild fetish stuff, the foreplay is usually boring and I can feel he's really trying to just touch here and there without any interest, or he would simply go straight to sex. He'd say foreplay requires a lot of energy and he's tired after work. Fair enough, and I sometimes would help him out of his sexual tension with a handjob,but I do need to have some nice sex sometimes. Whenever I raise the issue of a foreplay he cringes, says that he doesn't do anything different to what he'd done before (but i do know he's slacking off!) and says that I impose too many rules which only stresses him and makes him aware of what he is doing. I would start my requests mild and sweet but it anyway brings my boyfriend down, as if I am doubting his manhood. He protests and refuses to listen.Any suggestions how I could approach this topic? He's such a nice guy, I love him.
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female
reader, Elza +, writes (25 October 2012):
Elza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all again, you have given a lot of useful information and advice for me to consider. Yet I don't think it's time for me to move on just now, as in normal life he is really caring, supporting and understanding, just something got wrong with the sex. I guess I also started acting a bit too motherly, this is how moving together has influenced me. Time for a change!
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 "but it would frustrate him very much as he says he needs sex, men are different, they need it physiologically, balls are full and it's not healthy, and start fidgeting and become nervous."
Sorry, no, that's a load of horse poop he's feeding you. Men do not need sex, there are no negative consequences whatsoever to not having sex. Their balls do not fill up with sperm and explode. If they don't use the sperm within 48-72, it is absorbed back into the body and "recycled." The feeling he is describing is horny, everyone feels it and he doesn't feel it differently from you. Surely you feel horny sometimes, that is how he is feeling. Except he feels entitled to jerk off into your body whereas you don't. You have to say no until he gives you proper foreplay, he is using you.
Like the anonymous poster said, if he truly cared about you and your well-being he would be very upset that you weren't enjoying sex. Honestly I'm sure it's possible for him to be so uncaring in regards to sex and somehow care about you in normal situations. It might be time to find a new boyfriend. If you don't want to do that, stand up for yourself and say no. He does not need sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): Yes it would frustrate him sweetie, that's the point the first poster is making. He doesn't have to make more of an effort because he is getting everything he wants from you as it is. And I agree to an extent that men are different, but he doesn't 'need' sex. Many men, monks for example, live for years and years with no sexual release and they survive just fine. In my opinion, your boyfriend sounds like a selfish idiot who thinks of you as something he can use for his pleasure as and when he wants. I don't mean to sound harsh but he is basically using you as a human masturbation device, as in his head your pleasure doesn't come into it. Most men I know would be devastated to learn their girlfriends are not enjoying themselves in bed, but your guy doesn't seem to care.I think it's time you got a bit more self respect and stopped being influenced by this guy and his list of reasons why you should just put up with this type of treatment. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Elza +, writes (25 October 2012):
Elza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for replying!
I will try dice and foreplay with him indeed, dice/cards sounds very interesting.
I started to refuse sex, as it is no fun for me when I am not "prepared" but it would frustrate him very much as he says he needs sex, men are different, they need it physiologically, balls are full and it's not healthy, and start fidgeting and become nervous. He would never mastrubate himself, so...well it's easier to give him a handjob not to see him like that. Of course all that brings my libido down.
Anyway, I will start showing what I like, and maybe will show it many times so it can be learnt and digested ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): Well, you could either be straight forward with him and have a talk (which he doesn't seem to like), or you could try initiating something yourself. You could be bold and make a move on him, and maybe try doing a little foreplay yourself (he would probably like this, it might be a nice change), and then you could explain to him that you want the same from him the next time you try anything. There are also games out there (cards or dice) that have sexual acts that you have to perform. This way, he has to do whatever it says, and there's really no talking involved, except you offering that you play a fun game. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): It sounds to me like your boyfriend has gotten way too lazy and doesn't think he needs to put much of an effort in now he's 'got you'. This is very selfish of him though, as having sex is about 2 people both getting their needs met, not him having it all his way all the time. You have obviously tried to bring this up with him and it's not gotten you anywhere, so if I were you I would start refusing him sex unless you are in the mood. I dont mean use sex as a bargaining tool or as an ultimatum or anything like that, just make it clear you won't be providing your services unless there is as much in it for you as there is for him. I'm sure if he no longer has the option of going straight to sex then he will up his game :) Hope this helps.
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