A
male
age
41-50,
*rigami
writes:Me and my girlfriend are doing great at the moment,except for one thing that has been really bothering me.She went out with this guy for a year and a half and broke up with him more than a year ago. However, this guy would contact her whenever he has problems with her current girlfriend, etc.I tried to tell my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with this but she told me that she can't really ignore him once he sends a message to her since she will feel guilty and bad. She also told me that she sees him only as a friend and she is open in being friends with the guy. She also knows that the guy really doesn't have any friends who he opens up to besides her and she can't take the guilt of not talking with him whenever he needs someone to talk to.My question is, am I being paranoid in thinking that in the long run, this will affect our relationship negatively? What if the guy continues to communicate with her for a long time? Will I have to deal with this forever? She also mentioned that they video chat sometimes. Is this normal or does it raise a red flag?Thanks.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 If she continues to talk to her ex, and console him every time he has a pimple of concern, you will continue to feel a bit mistrustful of her on every level. It will creep in at the oddest times, for instance when she mentions video chats your mind immediately wondered if it was going to be with her ex. You need to tell her how you're feeling. She needs to understand that once someone feels like they can't trust you, it tends to creep into other areas of the relationship and grow. This might be a good time to ask her to stop being so friendly with her ex if she plans to have a future with you.
A
male
reader, origami +, writes (16 October 2012):
origami is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here, some updates:
She just asked me why her facebook chat or yahoo messenger chat doesn't display the video of the other person. She didn't exactly say who is the other person but I have a gut feeling that it's the guy.
Although that being said, it might have been her mom or someone else. We don't do video calls through facebook or ym since we use facetime. I don't even know if I'm jealous or I'm just hurting everytime it happens.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (15 October 2012):
I wouldn't like it but let's think about all sides. What do you know about her ex? Is he reclusive? Does he have suicidal tendencies? Is he a loner? These all point to reasons why she feels responsible for his well being even after a year of their break up. Ask her also, why they broke up? There might be some interesting clues there. Perhaps he was reclusive, and it wasn't enough for her to live isolated from friends and family. Maybe she has worried he might oft himself in her absence, so by being his 'friend' she keeps him from going off the deep end. If none of these apply to your situation you need to tell her to get over her guilt and pull the plug. It will have a negative effect on your relationship, in fact it already is.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (15 October 2012):
I wouldn't like it but let's think about all sides. What do you know about her ex? Is he reclusive? Does he have suicidal tendencies? Is he a loner? These all point to reasons why she feels responsible for his well being even after a year of their break up. Ask her also, why they broke up? There might be some interesting clues there. Perhaps he was reclusive, and it wasn't enough for her to live isolated from friends and family. Maybe she has worried he might oft himself in her absence, so by being his 'friend' she keeps him from going off the deep end. If none of these apply to your situation you need to tell her to get over her guilt and pull the plug. It will have a negative effect on your relationship, in fact it already is.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 October 2012):
 Hi
Yes I would agree with you, its a little too close for comfort and a little too soon after the break-up.Your her partner now and you should be her priority.
I have had a similar problem in the past with a guy.Ex's seemed to pop out of the woodwork all over.A text would come through,his phone rang,he would look guilty.It would be an ex or female friend with a problem.One used to come stop with him for a few days when she was 'down'.I did try and come to terms with it,talked to him, but it was how he was and I could see it wasn't going to stop.He didn't hide who they were,it was all open.
He was fine apart from that but I couldn't continue a relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 I think it can be healthy when ex's remain friends but not this close. She has a priority now to her current boyfriend. I understand that she wants to help, etc but it seems like there is still an attachment or emotional bond between the two of them. I also support people in relationships having friends and realize some of these are going to be of the opposite sex. If the tables were turned and this was you with an ex, how would she feel? She needs to put herself in that position to see how what she is doing can affect her current relationship.
You ask if it will affect your relationship, yes, it already is affecting it. I wouldn't be too concerned about the method of communication, just the amount and level of emotional attachment going on.
Talk to her about this and as her to see things from your perspective, if the tables were turned. Seeing or talking with an ex every now and again shouldn't be a problem but having a close friendship can be troubling. It would be for me.
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