A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and UnclesI need quite a help. I know this question has been asked probably million times, but I just can't help myself ... I have to ask again!I love my BF - together nearly 2years... and I know he truly loves me. He is with me 24/7. He does everything for me, he listens to me, he cares for me, he is always there when I need him ... he is just one great guy, that most women can only dream of.Anyway ... We do fight lately quite a bit. I have a big ... no .. I have a HUGE problem with strip clubs and crazy bachelor parties that he have attended. He knew about this issue since the day one we met. I told him, I absolutely disagree with it and I will never be ok with him going (I grew up in Europe where this is just not happening!!!). He went probably 3 times since we met due to a bachelor party. I went over it .. its an occasion .. I get itBut .. now he wants to go hang out in strip joints with his friends going for a beer. I don't understand and I told him, I don't want him to go, but yet, I am not going to stop him from going ... but here is the problemEvery time he goes. There is this break that is inside of me. I wont let him touch me or kiss me, I don't want to be around him I want to be completely alone and away from his disrespect to me. I take this as a disrespect!!If you truly love someone and you know that this is a big problem for him or her, wont you stop???? Wont you just give up??? Wont you try to understand and get away from it??? I mean it is really hurting me ... its really killing me inside. He said I don't understand and that I am taking this too seriously meanwhile this is just fun and entertainment and I think he goes there, cause he enjoys the women etc. . I said of course you get all horny and you stare at them otherwice you wouldnt be even normal guy if you didn't... but than you expect me to be home waiting for you ??? ABSOLUETELY NO ... he said he goes there to have a beer w friends and bull shit w them.. and he doesn't even care about the women around .. I find it very ... NOT TRUE!!! ... I know its my insecurity .. but I also want to let everyone know, its not about trust! I trust him completely and i know that he wouldn't do anything there that would hurt me .. but just the fact that he is there hurts me.I am not sure what to do ... I tried to look up insecurities and how to work with them. .but thats not helping. .. I need someones advice what maybe they do to deal with this.I tried going out w friends that night that he is gone .. it helps for the time being w my friends. the minute i get home its all over again .. and I do not want to see him for days! He doesn't understand, But I truly cant help it!!!!!! I was trying for months to get over this problem, BUT I JUST CANT!!!! I need to figure out, how to act .. how to be able to stay around and act like normal ... I cant do that right now ... like I said .. I dissappear. I sleep at my friends house ... and since its usually on weekends .. I don't want to see him until the next weekend ... and than .. I still have problems with him touching me or kissing me or even having sex with me!!! Please help me !!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you especially DiovanLestat !!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I posted before you updated, it seems you were quicker than me and have already sorted some of this stuff out. He loves you, he dosen't want you worried, and he really dosen't want to go. I believe him, and I think you should too. It's not a little problem, as you can see I've thought about it a lot, so it's a big problem to me as well. I want you and him happy, and I'm glad you managed to talk. Thanks for the update babes, it looks like this thing may just sort itself out. Problems become really small when two people are in love, and it seems you've come to a sensible compromise, and hopefully in time, you'll have no problems at all. Good luck, and keep the fires of love burning bright. Blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Hi babes, it's me again.
I've been thinking hard about your problem. I've probably offended you with my words. Oh well, no harm done, we can't get bothered, we just got to find a solution to your problem that you can live with. Before I was thinking a lot about your boyfriend and how he might be feeling. This was not fair, he didn't come and ask us for help, you did. So now lets think about you.
I suggest that you give this thing a month, don't bring it up again untill then. Give it some time for tempers to cool down, and try to get back to the loving, friendly stuff that you two used to do. This will help you both concentrate on the things you have in common and the reasons why you fell in love and want to stay together.
Now you were very clear right from the start that you hated this type of thing. You never lied to him, you warned him how you would feel. You've been very fair and mature when you ignored your feelings when he had to go to bachelor parties, even though it made you feel awfull and sick inside. You tried to meet him half way. Now he needs to do it more often and of course your getting upset and object.
From what you have told me, and you probably told him, this is not an issue for you about TRUST. You trust him, but it dosen't matter because this type of thing still makes you feel sick. It seems to you this is a form of adultery and unfaithfullness, its the same to you if he starts going out flirting and dancing with other girls. Well that is how you feel, and your feelings are important too.
His guy friends like to go to strip joints and you want him to go out, but not to these places. You have suggested many alternative activities, like normal parties, paintball and football. I see no reason why you two can't compromise a little bit.
How about you let him go with his mates to a strip joint, crazy bachelor party, say two times a year. There is no reason why he can't tell his friends that he dosen't want to upset the "little woman" at home, and suggest these alternatives instead. Encourage him to start putting his foot forward and suggesting alternative activities and entertainments, before his mates get in and suggest he goes out with them. How about in a months time, you tell him to phone his mates and arrange a game of paintball. If he stays in the driving seat and makes all the arrangements, he shouldn't have to go to strip clubs too often. But I know even once is too much for you, so again I have to ask, "Are you sure that this is the man for you." You can stil walk away, maybe another guy will have some better friends.
Try this, after you try to romance the anger out of him. You make the suggestions, you tell him to call his mates. Then he'll have a perfect excuse to say, I went out with you last month, I'll pass on the strip club thing and stay at home with the girlfriend. Also tell him how you feel, don't tell him what to do. Tell him exactly how sick you feel, how much you don't want him to touch you, and how deep this touches your heart, and shakes your belief in how healthy relationships should work. Don't get angry, but be very, very, honest. Maybe this will help him understand just how you feel.
Anyway, remember romance first, arrangements second and talk after. I hope everything works out, and I'm sorry that you two lovers find yourself in trouble over this entertainment thing. Good luck babes, I'm wishing both him and you well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thank you all for help.
I know I have to deal with this on my own. Its hard, but I have to make it.
We were talking last night. He said, he told me all those things because he was upset, but he really doesnt mean to hurt me and he doesnt go to strip clubs when his friends go, because all he would do there, would be thinking of me beeing hurt so badly. He told me I have to understand when there is a bachelore party and that he doesnt set all theese things up, that he just goes w his friends and whatever is going on is going on, he didnt make the aragements. Which I agree with completely.
I know I have a good man right here...and I know everyone has their own prblems bigger or smaller. Maybe for someone is my problem nothing ... but for me its something big.
I do hope he will keep his promisse and stay away from his friends monthly party plans in strip clubs and he really does go only when there is occasion such a bachelore party. I trust him, and there is notghin else but to believe that he is telling me the trutah and that he will keep his promisse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Can I ask you a question? You say "I think a man, that is really a MAN...." What should a "woman who is really a WOMAN do to please her man"
"You should be respectful and honest and good to your partner in every way" ..... Ok you start first, give him a kiss and say "Honey, go out with the guys I know you need some man time and I trust you with all my heart."
"Well .. I am sorry, but who is he going to live and have family?" (Woman)
"Well, than if you don't agree with me going to have fun with my friends, and you dont trust me, then I dont think this relationship is going to work" (Man)
"But dont come on me, that from now on you will go any time you want to go to a strip club, becasue you wil loose me, and he doesnt understand that .. he saiz its a guy thing" (Woman)
"have never tried to go to a male strip club .. he said he doesnt have a problem with me going .." (Man)
"I told him he cant give up this easily. That we have to MAKE IT WORK ... " (Woman)
Relationships are a two way process, it means some compromises and some give and take on both sides. You want to stay, you want him to change, he wants to stay, he wants you to change.... STALEMATE!!! Just how did two plan to work this one out?
PS: When I went to Greece, Spain and other mainline European countries, I noticed the men hated promiscious girls, and prostitutes with a passion. Him being Greek probably means he is telling the truth when he says these girls really don't turn him on. As the other lady said, they want good girls who stay at home and treat them good and clean up the house, not strippers who take off their clothes for a living.
But it's your choice babes, remember we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves, stay or go, it's up to you, but remember it's not only his problem, your in a relationship, so you have a problem as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto DiovanLestat
Oh no, I do trust him!
I know about those bachelore parties cause he told me, and I also heard from other GF's of BF's that went with him. I know they have these kinda parties with lesbians that are "...ing" each other ..and than for couple of hundret dollars giving double BJ's and also sexual favours ... I know for a fact. But I dont even think for one second, that he is doing anything with them, except watching. Which is a problem too.
I think a man, that is really a MAN .. would leave this kinda party !! I think its kinda too much for one to handle. Its just not right and very dissrespectful. I mean, I dot watch people having sex infront of me! I would leave that kinda party! Its wrong beeing there if yoeu are in a relationship. You should be respectful and honest and good to your partner in every way!
He didnt go for a while, because he didnt want to listen to me bitching about it. But now his friends told him, that he is not a team player and he is listening to a woman instead of his buddies! Well .. I am sorry, but who is he going to live and have family? His friends or me? Because Ithink he should care more about what I think than his friends.
Dont get me wrong I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HIM GOING FOR A NORMAL PARTY OR PAINTBALL OR FOOTBALL OR WHATEVER WITH HIS FRIENDS! I WANT HIM TO HAVE FUN WITH HIS BUDDIES. AND IF HE GOES FOR A BACHELORE PARTY? GO!!! But dont come on me, that from now on you will go any time you want to go toa strip club, becasue you wil loose me, and he doesnt understand that .. he saiz its a guy thing!
Thats wierd, cause none of my guy friends or family friends (males) are doing this!! So I dont think its a guy thing I think its a "maturity" thing as someone said. And yah I am probably dating baby but at the other hand .. I do love him very much ...
I just need an advice how to survive when he goes because I dont want to screw this up. I mean .. if he goes often, than bye bye my lover! Than I dont care!If this will become bigger issue and he will enjoy strip clubs with his friends more than he already had in last year .. than I am out of the door, and he can think about what was more important .. but it will be too late ... but if he will go once a year as a different kinda fun w his buddies..than I have aboslutely no problem wit hit.it will hurt, but once a year Ican survive!
Now to the Greek Girl
I heard lots of scary stories about greek men. Dont know why is that.My man is not mamas boy .. he is daddys boy! big time! His father is like a God to him. Which is kinda a problem too ... but thats another story.I think he respects me and he doesnt think I am a whore ..but sometimes i do have a feeling he doesnt trust me even tho he saiz he does completely. He doesnt mind me going out .. but I have never tried to go to a male strip club .. he said he doesnt have a problem with me going ..maybe I should try it to see his reaction? What you guys think? Can that be a break up point if I do that????
Anyway I want to thank you all for your help over here! You guys are awesome!! Thank you soo much for your time to help a total stranger in need!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): "Can I go and play with some male strippers ding dong?" Do you think this is what he's doing, is this what makes you upset?
"but I would definetely be flirty", again do you think he's doing this, but wouldn't you define this as cheating if he did it?
"He went probably 3 times since we met due to a bachelor party", well it dosen't seem that he's spending tons of time or money on this thing, and as you say it's not the "whores" better known as "professional strippers", that he's spending his money on, but a couple of expensive beers and the entrance fee.
"involving his parties with lesbian strippers having sex and giving oral to everyone .and also sexual favours" If you really think he's doing all of this, then I ask you, how can you say you trust him.
You want to make this thing work, but you want him to change and he refuses to give up his friends... now we have stalemate, and things are getting worse. This is similar to the issue that some women have over porn. But in the UK, male strippers have been common for some time. Should men ban the "chippendales" because women tear off their clothes and rub body oil on them. To a lot of men they understand their women are having a laugh. No sex need be involved.
"I know he truly loves me. He is with me 24/7. He does everything for me, he listens to me, he cares for me, he is always there when I need him ... he is just one great guy, that most women can only dream of."
You need to take a look at "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" by John Grey, at least it will give you good communication skills to explain how you feel and how much this thing tortures you. You should also keep on focusing on why you love this man.
If you have decided to stay, I suggest you both give this thing a rest for a little while. This issue is destroying your relationship and the happiness you both used to feel. Can't you both find nice things to do, that involve just the two of you, try to cultivate romance, happiness and good feelings before you raise the issue again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah its a very difficult situation for me ... I am not going to leave him, but I still cant get over this. I do somehow agree with DiovanLestat and I think she definetely has a point .. I understand he wants to do something with his friends too ... but I still dont think it has to be this.
We are supposed to buy a house next year, and like eyewideopen said .. how are we going to afford this, if he spends money on whores? I dont get this. I know he doesnt tip the girls by the pool or get lapdances .. but there is other charges included (beer ..etc). But again - he didnt go since last year .. but now it just seems like he had have enough of me makeing this big deal and he wants to show me, that he will do whatever he wants to.
I tryied to tell him, that maybe once a year when group gets together its fine .. I was trying to make some afford and show him,that I am really not trying to take him stay away from his friends and his guy "things" ... but he told me "what about if I went 3 times" .. I said .. "Well I think that would be little too much for me to handle" .. he said " Well, I am going to go as many time as my friends invite me to ... and if you will be this bitchy and upset every time, than I will concider lying to you and telling yiu that I have been in a reagular bar, this way I dont have to listen to you every single time there is such a thing going on! I am going to hang out with my guy friends if you like it or not! They are my friends!You can go to a club to if you like! I dont care. I am not holding you away from you girl things either. This is just an entertaintment for guys." ....
So I got upset and I told him
"Ok .. so if this is entertaitnemtn for you .. what about if I went to a club and danced and flirt with guys ... I woulnt let them touch me or anything that would involved our bodies to get closer .. but I would definetely be flirty .. its my enternatitnment too .. is that ok with you?" ... and he said
"NO THATS CHEATING AND THAN I WILL NOT TRUST YOU IF YOU DO THIS!"
What the heck?
So what can I do??????
Can I go and play with some male strippers ding dong? Or thats out of the guestion too? Cause I feel like he can do anything he use to (involving his parties with lesbian strippers having sex and giving oral to everyone .and also sexual favours) and I cant even talk to ayone at the bar???
Maybe I should also write that he is Greek! Will that help
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 July 2008):
 Well he certainly thinks he has you over the barrel, no matter what you say he turns it around and says you don't trust him. I'm afraid that if my boyfriend valued his guy friends' opinions over my feelings, I'd have to give him the heave ho. But then that's just me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): Hi babes,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but the other aunts are right. This thing is torturing you and destroying your self esteem and making you insecure and crazy. This can't go on. It's easy for everyone to say leave him, but you love him, you know he loves you and you trust him with all your heart. You better believe him when he says that he dosen't notice the girls but that's where he's freinds hang out. I know many men who are not intrested in anyone but their women and find strip clubs and prostitutes a complete turn off.
Look at it from his position, he dosen't make the arrangements, he just goes out with the guys. He knows he will look a right fool if he says "my girlfriend dosen't like it" and he will lose all his friends. Who wants to go out with a killjoy, who wants to be made to feel bad. They don't want to have coffee, they want a men's night out. He dosen't want to loose his friends, and he dosen't want to lose you. To him it's a man thing, nothing to do with sex at all. If he loves you he shouldn't go, that's what others advise. But how will you feel when his friends stop calling, leave him at home, feeling sad and bored. Perhaps if he really tried he could change the venue sometimes, but it's a group of guys he can't dictate he has to go with the majority here.
I don't know what to advise you, except to tell him to find new friends, for you to accept that he dosen't look at these girls sexually, or perhaps you and him should finish your relationship and find other people with suitable interests that might make you both happy, and accept you as you are. Sorry, leave him or stay. I don't think he can change his friends to make you feel better about other women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo eyeswideopen!
I have asked that question already! His answer?
" It doesnt where I hang out with my boys. What matters is that you will trust me that I will make the right decisions while I am wherever that maigh be .. bar or strip joint! It is just an entertaintment!"
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 July 2008):
I think the Sister has it right, when he wants to socialize with his pals tell him he can go if they just hang out at a regular bar, I mean if he doesn't care about gawking at the women, what's the problem? I'd be interested hearing what his answer is to that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): I would never put with a b/f going to a strip club, that's a big no when your in a relationship for me. He can hang out with his friends, but really strip clubs? give me a break. You are in the right here, if he dosen't stop then he obviously dosen't respect and love you enough so move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have to write, that my BF didn't go for a very long time (since last year bachelore parties) .. but now, he wants to go, because his friends keep telling him, that he doesnt hang out with them anymore, and that he is no fun anymore, andthat he is with me only etc .
But I told him, that that is their problem.They are all single and have no one to be with, so they go to strip clubs, to get some action, but he doesnt have to do it especially when he knows that he is hurting me like this.
He said
"Well, than if you don't agree with me going to have fun with my friends, and you dont trust me (which I do!! thats not the problem) than I dont think this relationship is going to work"
I told him he cant give up this easily.That we have to MAKE IT WORK ...
My BF is very very difficult to talk to about serious things. He always gets upset and thinks I want to faight which I really dont/ I am trying here to tell him, that this is really bothering me and that he should not go next time they go for a Beer, but he saiz "Its a guy thing to do, YOu dont have to like it or agree with it, you just have to trust me that I will make the right decisions while I am there!" ......
I love him and I do not want to lose him, but at the same time .. this is a torture
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): Well of course you don't want him to touch you....women want to make love to their men, they want to be the apple of their man's eye, they want their man to get sexually aroused by being with them, not get aroused somewhere else and then use your body to masterbate in.
Women need time with their man to admire and bond with them, we are way more complicated sexually than men are. I think you need a new boyfriend, not a new way of thinking.
Sorry you are hurting so badly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, I know it hurts terribly to think that you are not important enough to him that he would stop! He IS hurting you and if he doesn't stop he will loose you. This is not something you can change about yourself, so stop trying.You are in a situation where something needs to change and in this particular case, it is your boyfriend who needs to grow up. If this doesn't happen soon, you two will break-up. Either because you have had enough, or because he will get tired of fighting about it. By the way, this does not mean you are insecure, if a man goes to a strip club once in a while that is different than if he does it as a habit. You are indignant because this man is supposed to make you feel good, but instead he is hurting you, over and over again. That is not about insecurity, so don't feel bad about how you feel.I think the best thing for you to do is to tell him that you love him very much, but you can't go on living in hell and hurting like this. He doesn't need to understand why you hurt, he just needs to know that you DO hurt. Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through.....this is a deal breaker for you, it's either you, or the strip club. He can't have both.If he chooses the strip clubs, it is better you know now than go on for two more years in hell. You will find a man who can live without the cheasy joints.Find yourself a man that already knows how to treat you properly rather than wasting your time trying to teach one, you can't change men, you can only change yourself.
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