A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:When do you know it's time to throw in the towel? Been with b/f 3 years. We have alot in common and enjoy each other's company; good chemistry. But my b/f doesn't treat me w/respect and we're constantly hooking horns over his temper. I love him but I'm getting sick of him talking to me in a hateful tone of voice. He says he's just an impatient person but it's causing me not to want to be with him. Obviously he's never going to change. He snaps at me in front of people and makes me feel stupid. Then later he apologizes and says he knows he's an "ass". But he will still do it the next day and the next. It is destroying my self confidence to be talked down to or embarrased. I don't know what to do. When do you know it's time to go? I keep going back and forth in my head. When he apolgizes, I move closer. Then when he starts snapping at me or cutting me down in front of people I feel like we're miles apart. Don't know what to do!
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Simple, when you realize you are fighting a lost cause.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): If he really loved you he would respect you. You really have to focus on yourself Not him. When you love and respect yourself you won't put up with an idiot like that! When you know you deserve better you will find someone who values you!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 My husband and I have a code phrase: "Stop tape."
I will say it to him when I want him to pay attention to what he's saying. He does the same to me. Sometimes we get into very negative verbal habits, and perhaps this is what's going on with you.
I don't like to hear that he's putting you down in front of other people and it sounds like he shows open contempt for you. I think they've done studies on successful couples and those that break up and have determined that if one or both people in the couple constantly denigrate the other, in public and in private, these relationships do not last.
So first, try to discuss this with him again, introduce the concept of the 'stop tape' code phrase, and then use it and see how it goes. If nothing changes, I would suggest couples counseling. I don't blame you for being upset and wanting out. It's hard to imagine a lifetime of snappy, rude, hateful, nasty tone of voice. That can't be good for your mental health.
The other thing I want to point out is that he's learned you will tolerate this behavior. He just has to apologize for a bit and then you're back and he can start up again. Think about what an appropriate consequence for this unwanted behavior might be. You've put him on notice, and he still does this.
Is he trying to get you to leave him? Some people are very passive-aggressive and will engineer the situation so they don't have to be the breaker-upper. It's hard work, but then they aren't considered the 'bad guy.'
Good luck with this.
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A
male
reader, wherestheinstructions?  +, writes (19 July 2009):
You do know what to do - every line of your question shouts it out;you've had enough and deserve better.
Read your own question again and pretend it was written by your best friend and the solution will become clear.
The time to move on is now and be with someone who shows you respect and deserves your love.
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