A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a pretty difficult question to ask. My current relationship of 8 years just terminated and I'm pretty devastated. Although we were not married we have lived together for the last 6 and a half years. I've been trying to find different coping mechanisms to stay strong but one major thing that keeps pulling me down is when I start imagining a new future without her and with someone new. I know I will eventually get over her and later down the road find someone new. The issue at hand is I now have herpes. I'm a healthy person otherwise. I contracted this 8 years from the girl that I am separating from. She told me when we first began our relationship and after alot of reluctance I agreed to continue with the new relationship and I eventually ended up contracting it. I didnt mind it at the time because I cared about her so much and I pictured myself getting married to her and believed it would never be an issue since I would stay with her. Now the new issue at hand is now she has terminated the relationship and I find myself with a label probably nobody wants to deal with. I have a nice house, good job, and would consider myself a good catch but then all that seems to go out the window considering I have an sti that is for life and anybody that is intimately involved will end up getting it too.I'm faced with i can meet a girl and have her be into me and having to come forward about having it. Then facing the eww never mind reaction. My question is.. when it comes to meeting new people, when is the best time to come forward about it. I know this will turn potential partners away and that scares me. I feel like it is going to be a very difficult journey to find someone considering they have to be accepting of contracting herpes if they are romantically involved with me. I feel like i am a great person that will be turned away by simply having that label
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 March 2019):
 @female anon. Its not ignorant or ridiculous to suggest a dating site for people dealing with the same problem. It was suggested as an option to eliminated his fear of having to tell people and face rejection. Pull ya head out your arse lady
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (7 March 2019):
@female anon. Its not ignorant or ridiculous to suggest a dating site for people dealing with the same problem. It was suggested as an option to eliminated his fear of having to tell people and face rejection. Pull ya head out your arse lady
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): This doesn't define you. There's a lot more to you than this std. You may well be surprised at just how many people live with this. Myself included. I've had it for about 25 years and I get a sore many times a year. One of the more unlucky ones. But in that 25 years I have had four relationships and not one of them changed their mind about wanting to be with me when I told them. I certainly would NOT tell anyone straight away. You might go on a couple of dates and decide that this person is not for you. There is no need for that person to be holding intimate and sensitive information about you. Play each situation by ear, as each person may make you feel differently about it. I had one man who asked me to marry him and seemed to positively try to catch it. I think maybe he thought it would bring us closer together or something. I left him in the end, and luckily he didn't catch it even though he wanted to have unprotected sex with me when I had a sore. Strange. Another man who I dreaded telling because I liked him so much, said that a previous girlfriend had had it, so he knew something about it. We've been together for four years now and I have never pushed him to do anything sexually with me until he felt comfortable. It's taken a long time, but we're there. He gained confidence as time went along. Everyone's different. One man said immediately, 'Doesn't change the way I feel about you' and another one whom I had a five year relationship with was totally reasonable and understanding about it. I always judged when to tell them by how things were going. We would get to know each other and I would tell them before we were starting to get sexual. I think you are perfectly entitled to keep this info to yourself until you feel that there's a level of trust there. It's always a horrible time, because you know that there's a chance that they will walk away. Something you've just got to take on the chin. BUT if someone likes you, I very much doubt that this will make a difference. Good luck and try not to let it reduce your life in any way. People live with so much worse and meet others who love and cherish them, whatever. I'm sure you will too x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): You don’t have to confine yourself to dating sites just for people with herpes . That’s plain ridiculous and ignorant . Does everyone whose EVER had a cold sore would have to go exclusively to herpes dating sites as technically types one ( usually foundbon mouth ) and type type ( usually found on genitals ) CAN be transmitted to the other site and stay in the body forever The people suggesting that just because you happen to have it genitally you need to date ‘ your own kind ‘ shoes the stigma and ignorance around herpes Sure you mind lose someone by telling them but they will only be a person who wasn’t very invested in you in the first place or was one of the ignorant ones ( who you dont want anyway )I’ve had it thirty years , was given to me by my second partner long term who didn’t tell me . Now married with grown kids . Live a healthy happy life last symptoms were probably twenty years ago . Tell someone after a couple of dates and before sleeping with them
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (5 March 2019):
I think there are dating sites for people who also have herpes. Maybe research that for a starting point. As for when you tell them, straight away IMHO. Either way you run the risk of loosing someone.
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