A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is mostly aimed at the men on here but women, feel free to give your opinion and experiences as well. I was wondering when dating and hoping to turn it into a relationship, does it really matter how soon the couple has sex? I have read articles that say that as a woman, you should always make the man wait a while, otherwise he will lose interest in you and move on to the next girl. But then others state that if a man is really interested, it doesn't matter if you sleep with him on the first, second or third date etc So fellas, what do you think about this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2013):
 i hate playing games so be true to yourself. there are those that I've
a. slept with on the first date and then MARRIED later on
or
b. not slept with on the first date and still married...
the truth is I think some men do play the "if she sleeps with me she's a whore" game.. the first 4 dates at minimum.
sadly while it's the 21st century evolution leads many men to judge women who are comfortable with their bodies and sex in a negative way. She's good for fun but I don't want her to be the mother of my children.
so while I would NOT play GAMES...if there is a guy you are truly interested in... I'd dole out my sexual favors like the proverbial Skinner box... ONE ju-ju be at a time...
date one: peck me on the cheek or shake my hand.
date two: a chaste kiss on the lips
date three: slip him a bit of tongue as you toss him out the door.
the most important thing to know is that you must never compromise your beliefs and if a man judges you for being true to yourself, then he's not worthy of being your partner anyway.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 A man who tests a woman on a first date is a hypocrite. It means that he has a chip on his shoulder, and has a deep-seated disrespect / hatred for women (probably stemming from being scorned by a woman in the past). He believes that it's OK for a man to sleep with someone on a first date, but not OK for the woman. This is the double standard that the feminist movement has been trying to fight against for years.
I wouldn't want to be with a man like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Hell yes, a lot of times we might try to test her. This usually infuriates women to hear it. But we are just being logical and doing what it takes to get past many women's fakery.
Lots of women sleep with some guys quickly and make other guys wait, depending on what they want from the guy. That is completely fake. Dishonest.
We don't dream of a woman who has slept with other guys quickly but then makes US wait! We dream of a woman who has the morality to make EVERYONE wait! We only want to wait as proof that everyone else did.
And women know this, so a lot of them adjust their waiting time depending on how much respect they want from the certain guy. They are sometimes faking a set of values they don't really live by.
People who really believe in waiting don't only wait when they care what that particular partner thinks. Just like people who are honest are not only honest when they think the world is watching.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): So for the men here who say the woman should wait a while before having sex. Would you - on a first date - try to get the woman to have sex just to "test" her, and then if she does show eagerness then she has failed and you lose all respect for her? That sounds like what I am hearing but maybe I misunderstand. I sure hope so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I feel it is the latter. If you two have a real connection on a mental and emotional level then it doesn't matter when you have sex provided it is totally consensual and both people enjoy it. The relationship might still not work out (most relationships don't) but it wouldn't be because of when you had sex. The thing though is that having sex "too soon" can trick you into believing you have more of a connection than you actually do.
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A
male
reader, Flo Jack +, writes (7 December 2013):
Speaking as a man, I've gotta say, wait for a number of dates before you get intimate. There's something about giving it right away which will make them not take you seriously...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2013):
 I don't think there is one "oracle-like" answer to this. BUT I do think it's a good thing to date and get to know each other BEFORE you add sex to the mix.
It also comes down to WHAT you want. Do you want "just" sex? or a relationship? Do you know what he REALLY is looking for? I know it's kind of silly with the double standard there is for women when it comes to sex. The thing is I think WAY to many women "think" that if they have sex with a dude he will WANT to be in a relationship. Where as men think if she will put out on the first night she isn't a keeper.
Many people treat sex like it's not a big deal, and in a way I think that makes people "value" the shared intimacy a lot less.
Personally, I have always waited. I didn't USE it as a bargaining chip, but I didn't just sleep with anyone. And it's not about MAKING him wait. It's about BEING comfortable around him and he can be comfortable around you. That way we got to know each other on other levels FIRST. Which for me (this might not be true for every woman) made sex a lot more "natural" or organic experience. Sort of developing the relationship over time. I have never had any short term relationship, hook-ups or one-night stand.
I don't know what is wrong with KNOWING who you are having sex with.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (6 December 2013):
From personal experience I would say it really does not matter. I've had meaningful, long lasting relationships with guys that I was intimate with quite early in the relationship, and I've also dated guys who were only interested in the chase. When these chasers got sex, they lost interest and moved on to the next woman. It really depends on the character of the man. I don't hold sex as a bargaining tool for a relationship. If it feels right, and there is a strong connection, I do it. If I'm not into him, then I hold back. I've learned to follow my instincts. They are usually right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): How long you make a guy wait will not change a guy's motivations so much as reveal them.
If all he wanted was quick sex then he will get bored fast when you don't give in (usually but not always).
If he wanted more then he will usually be willing to wait at least some time. But you probably would not really run this guy off by sleeping with him right away.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 People are different. But men are the same as women in this department, so all you have to do is ask yourself: would you lose respect and be less interested in a man if he tried to have sex with you on the first date?
Because I would not see that as him being interested in nothing but my vagina. And I'd not see him as boyfriend-material, but just good for a round in the hay. But each to their own. So for me, if I'm interested in a guy, I will wait with sex not because I want to keep HIS interest, but because I am interested myself. I want to get to know him and learn more about him. Not just about how he looks naked.
But like I said, people are different, and I honestly don't think it matters much when you have sex in the relationship. For me, this is how I work and what works for me, but for everyone else there will be different things that work. You need to focus on what works for YOU, instead of trying to read the thoughts of men you don't even know. Maybe he will be more interested if you wait with sex. Maybe not. Maybe it matters, maybe it doesn't matter. Let HIM worry about what HE wants, and you can worry about what YOU want. Do YOU lose interest in a guy once you get him to bed? No? Do you get too invested once you get him to bed? Being too invested after just one or two days isn't that good you know, so if that is what happens to you then I suggest to listen to yourself and go along with what is good for you.
Oh, and don't ever think you can make a man love you by sleeping with him. If you're going to have sex, do it because you want SEX, not because you want a love declaration. If you stick to this mantra it will not matter when you have sex, the outcome will be the same.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): As a man, I much prefer my date to wait at least 3 or more dates before we get into intimacy. When I was younger I hoped to have sex with them right away until I got a nasty STD from a promiscuous woman who wanted sex on our first date. I think it's better to wait until you know them better and trust their not disease ridden, especially these days.
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