A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 2 months ago, I was dating someone who I really felt a connection with and was falling for him (this rarely happens) and he felt the same way too. However because he came out of a long term relationship at the end of last year, he told me he did t feel ready to date and felt bad about this. Of course, I reassured him that it was not his fault and I understood. But he said that he still really liked me and wanted to keep in touch. About 8 weeks have past where we haven't spoken and I am really starting to miss him. I have tried to move on by dating other men but it is just not working. So I am considering getting in touch with him again. Not even to rekindle a dating relationship but to just talk to him. I was thinking of his graduation as the best opportunity to contact him. I have personal issues with mental health and seeking treatment as well as being in a job I dislike and not compatible in.So my question is, despite a sudden contact is there a subtle way of saying I want keep in contact and that I miss him without sounding too needy?
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (22 May 2014):
I approach these things from an angle of humour. Which may not be your thing, but:
Send him an envelope in which there is a stamped, addressed postcard with your address. In the note, inside the envelope say something like: "I haven't quite forgotten you. If you haven't quite forgotten me, send me an invitation to meet on the enclosed. If I don't receive one, I will no longer remember who you are - so nothing lost nothing gained!"
Then forget it. I can assure you that he will remember the funny invitation when he is 90, even if he does not reply, turn out to be for you!
Don't do it if it is too alien to your character. I always was a bit mad!
A
female
reader, horeesheeto  +, writes (20 May 2014):
I agree with Cerberus. This guy dumped you and used some pretty lame and trite assurances to do so. Friends don't disappear for two months or more. And YES...you would sound needy if you said anything about missing him. While it is completely NORMAL to miss someone you were in a relationship with, the fact that he completely disappeared on you means he is not into it and he has gone his own way. Do not put yourself in a worse situation by contacting him and being rebuffed again. Ouch.You also mention your mental health and the yucky job. You know what? I think you need to use this as an opportunity to take the time to be good to yourself: work on your issues, on how to feel better, start investigating how to make YOU feel better, how to make YOU feel loved by YOU. Just about EVERYONE will face mental health issues at some point or another in their lives, it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And work on finding a different job. Forget the guy....YOU need to do some things immediately that can make your life and your feelings better and do not leave it in the hands of someone who was pretty bad in the first place at ending a relationship with you. He doesn't know what he is doing, obviously.I wish you all the love in the world and hope you end up strong and happy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): Perhaps you should just be honest and say your not contacting him in a dating way, but just miss him. However, you should consider he might have said stay in touch, but has perhaps now moved on and dating someone else, so prepare yourself that friends means friends and nothing more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): OP why did you add the "my problems" stuff there near the end? Do you personally think there is a bit of neediness from you, with a guy who is basically not interested in you at all?
Because he said friends OP but he's completely ignored you for two months. I think you're taking his dumping of you the wrong way and taking what he said literally. Nothing you have said indicates he meant that friends thing at all and it seems only said it as a platitude. "It's not you it's me, but hey let's stay friends." It's been two months and nothing from him.
You can't really say it without sounding needy because you seem to be doing it for needy reasons, OP. you got a taste of something you have rarely felt for a person and the fact he used a rebound excuse and left the door kind of open with the friends thing means you want that back, even if it's just as friends.
In your position I'd focus on myself. I'd let the idea of a person who so clearly in my mind dumped me politely and fed me the friends platitude go and move on. Mental health issues? I've had them, and dating was the last thing I needed in those times, that vulnerable and down. not only that but what have I to offer when I'm like that? A mental mess and someone who is dissatisfied with their career too? I don't get how anyone thinks that can be a fix and it honestly seems to be a "fix" only women ever think of, and it never works out as a fix either.
I say let him go, if he contacts you fine but otherwise I'd consider the things he said to be polite lies aimed at sparing my feelings during a break up with a person who is not interested. I'd stop dating, save some money while I got help for my head and once that process was going well I'd use the money I'd save to live off while I find a new job that I like.
I say let men go for a while, OP, we don't have anything good to offer you at the moment, we're not your fix. It was nice of you to be so understanding about his reasons, but his actions after that means he wasn't really being true to the friends thing.
Focus on sorting yourself out first, OP, then approach dating without a need and from a position of strength, and really I do think he was only saying that stuff.
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