A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem: I am so confused!I came from a bad "church" or cult, whatever you wanna call it. I had my family there, the people I loved, my best friends, a tanning room with a tanning booth, horses, games, a hair salon, a workout place, a person to budget my money and do my taxes, a nursery for when I had kids, a daycare, a school (K-12), sports, a swimming pool, summer camp, and financial freedom. But, there was one thing missing: I did not have personal freedom. Every Tuesday, we would HAVE to hand in our budget or we were made to feel guilty and every wednesday, we would have to hand in "questions" to ask "Jesus". These questions consisted of the like: "should I date this guy/girl?", "Should I buy this car?", "What do you thing about me going to Cheryl Crow concert?"(which a particular male church member and history teacher actually asked and "Jesus" replied that he did not like her!!!), or anything that we didn't feel comfortable taking a risk on deciding for ourselves since "Jesus" would just tell us the answer that would save us trouble. Nobody except the pastors really read the Bible, we were not encouraged to read the Bible, and we were not really taught any real-life skills beyond the financial side of things: we had everything available to us. My family was the backbone of the church, particularly my father. He worked long difficult hours for the towing company that was financially supporting the church. There are even rumors going around that the owner of this towing company owned the church. I am not sure. Anyways, all in all, we were forced to tell the teachers all of our feelings in this "Bible" class where we didn't study the Bible, and when we didn't have anything to say, we just conversed about different things that were not very important to our education. Now my 3 brothers and I started going to this place when I was 2 and my parents were in their very early 20's. Through the years that I grew up there, it became very liberal: people could smoke and swear and it was acceptable. We could talk dirty as long as it wasn't TOO dirty. I really want to say that there was a woman there who believed that she was the bride of Christ. It is crazy, I know, but even though I studied the Bible personally, I didn't think twice because I didn't know this until I left! My oldest brother, he was choked by the administrator after he denied that he had threatened an old lady at the church: my brother is a wussy and I love him to death but he would never threaten an old lady. He will always remember that. I even remember somebody telling me that my parents signed a paper that said that the teachers could use the force necessary to enforce their rules and leadership there at the school/church. He was choked in the administrator's office during a church sermon, and I and others remember seeing him at the door with a ripped church and broken blood vessels around his neck as we left out of the doors of the auditorium. It never even fazed me! I was slapped hard across the face during a "Bible" class because I was "being mean" to the kids at the school. I was a quiet, shy girl who everyone picked on. So I started working when I was 15 at a farm. I milked cows there and got my first boyfriend who was a liar. I believed every word that he told me without thought because that was what they taught me at the church: to believe whatever they told me without question. After about 2 months of him, my father broke it off thank goodness. I worked at that farm down the road for about 2 years, and while I was working there started working at a horse stable as well. I loved being away from the church/school because I am a very independent person. I quit the farm job, and just had the stable job, and had a boyfriend there, but when school started, the summer work at he horse stable ended and after a 7 month relationship with a boy younger than me, I broke up with him because he started smoking pot and ignoring me. I started another farm job in the same town and there was a bunch of Brazilians and Russians working there and a cute, sweet Japanese girl who became my friend. While I was dating my last boyfriend, there was always this Brazilian guy that had the hots for me, and finally after all winter and all of 9 months of nagging, I gave in to his requests of dating me because he was sweet, cute, and he gave me all of the attention I craved and did not get elsewhere(even though "Jesus" at the church had told me not to date him). He loved me and I loved him: I was going to marry him. Later after I decided that, I graduated, and started working again at the horse stable from the last summer while I was working at the farm. My best friend had been working there alongside with me this whole time, and eventually after a little while, I got curious about sex, and lost my virginity to this Brazilian. I showed up late to work the next day for obvious reasons:) and my best friend was worried. Me and "Bon" were tight, like almost married tight..haha. I still love her to this day even though she is nasty mean now and doesn't talk to me, but I will always remember how awesome she is underneath it all that bad place has taught her. The love for this guy and my new fascination with sex took over my need for the cult and one day I was suppose to help with the summer play and never showed up because I wanted to be with my Brazilian:) Only problem was, he had to go home that fall on September 11th...:( Summer was a rush of crazy love. One of those summer's you never forget: I forgot to mention that I was 17 when I graduated and ran away to my grandparents' house right up the street after I decided I wasn't going to be a part of that place anymore. Before my guy left to go back to Brazil in September, he bought me a round trip ticket to go visit him since he was so in love with me: but I had never been alone in my life and it felt like my heart was thrown into a fan and mutilated when he was gone. I was utterly all alone. I cried and became depressed because that while the hole that was left by my friends and family at the church was quickly replaced without pain by my Brazilian man, once he had left, there was that huge hole again. I had 2 months alone,a and 2 months ends up feeling like a decade when you are waiting to go seeing someone: I was suppose to leave November 1st to be in Brazil for 2 months. While I was alone (besides my elderly and completely unaware grandparents), my oldest brother who had left the church before me and I hadn't really heard too much from showed up and needed a place to stay: so he stayed there. He is a mooch. He borrowed a lot of money from me and when I said no to borrowing my car because he had none, he took me to the parties that he was going to. Now I hadn't really drank too much before those parties and had drank with people I trusted: my Brazilian and our farm buddies. But my brother hung out with a bad crowd. They were people that I had managed to avoid because I had a standards and so did the people I had hung out with. These people had no standards: they were typical irresponsible American teenagers who didn't care. I got very drunk on my 18th birthday, 6 days before I left for Brazil, and I slept with my native. I felt disgusted but was confused: how could I sleep with somebody else and still love my Brazilian??? I didn't understand!!! So off I went to Brazil and after 2 weeks there, I told my man what happened: he was so hurt, but I thought that if he loved me and understood how alone I was that he would forgive me and we could get past that. It was too serious though. And I was completely alone: nobody was waiting for me, NOBODY. It was hell in Brazil: cool and new and different but hell because I was clinically depressed. I was back from Brazil and had to go back to my folks house because my aunt, uncle, and their 3 kids had moved in right before I had left and there was no room. I was convinced that maybe the cult was right after all. But one day after 2 months of living there with a bad feeling, my oldest brother stopped by and brought my native guy that I had slept with over. I was recalling all of the independence that I had before and I was going to sleep with him: I think I was just needing that urge to be filled. So I slept with him there after my parents went to bed and the next morning I felt guilty, told my mom, and she kicked me out. My native and me went to a motel for 2 months. We had unprotected sex every time. Then we moved into the trailer near my parents house and things began to change: he became verbally and mentally abusive with me and my older brother and the native's sister didn't care. They even furthered the torture that he was dishing out to me. I stopped working on the farm cuz of all the memories and started working a badly paying housekeeping position while my native was working a high paying welding job. One day he came home and said that he quit, so I had to find a better job and a different place to live. We moved to a different town and I started milking cows, living in a duplex with my native(who had no job), and his sister and here friend were suppose to live with us there but didn't last long because as I was paying for everything: I became broke fast. I was also trying to go to college and ran out of gas there! His sister is a pyro and started burning random things like his playing cards and my toys that I had since I was very young(5 years old). So they got kicked out. My native was twice a felon for accomplice to burglary and had quite a record, but I didn't want to judge him. I mean, everyone comes from different backgrounds. The only thing is, I was still brainwashed, thinking that I had to go back to that church or I would never have God again. Right after I dropped out of college 2 weeks into it, I became pregnant with my native. He was still emotionally and verbally abusive but he pushed and shoved me a few times when I was pregnant. I was starting to get more scared. He became more aggressive verbally: very aggressive. We moved to a trailer in another town after I quit my farm job cuz of being pregnant: my native had gotten a job. He became very mean, very bitter. He didn't want to have sex with me after I had our first daughter. We had to suddenly move when she was about 9 months and my native got so bad that he even almost left me and our daughter at he other trailer out in the middle of nowhere! He joked about locking me in the back room and feeding me potato chips. When we moved to our efficiency apt in my hometown, this new job was 3rd shift. I didn't ever see him and he didn't make time ever. I didn't have a phone and no car as my car's engine had blown right before our daughter was born. He got a phone, started acting like a teenager, a girl started texting him, and he would leave me at home for a couple days with no phone, no car, and almost no food in the house while I was breastfeeding. He came home one day and said he got fired cuz of the mean old ladies he worked with. I believed him. He went to find another job, and got it. I told him that I wanted to apply as I had walked to a nearby childcare facility and signed up. He never took me. My older brother had straightened up with his new girlfriend and came over the day after and my mom called and asked to speak with me: my native had gotten fired cuz a girl was giving him head and he had gotten caught on camera!!!(my other grandma was working there 13 years and heard what the truth) I was determined to get through this: after all, what else was there for me? So we moved in with my older brother to save money. He was a little better for awhile: very good when we had money to spend, not so good when we were broke. I started working on a farm and I tried breaking up with my native over text, and then I took a couple shots of liquor and slept with somebody else, hoping he would never want me again: wrong. We got back together and I was on the pill but I forgot to take it one day and I got pregnant with twins. I stopped working again after a few months of working at a factory and then got laid off. I couldn't work anymore anyways because I was too big!! He didn't help me with anything and treated me like a house servant. I had to take care of our first daughter and the house, cooking, and I was "octomom" big. I went into premature labor around 7 1/2 months. I had to go on bed rest and leave my girl with him for a month:( luckily my mother took her alot:) thanx mom!!! I had the twins, and it was beautiful: the twins were so cute and I was breastfeeding. I was a little overwhelmed being at home for the first time alone with 3 kids while my native left to go get an auto trader: and our first daughter really wanted to go with. he pointed the other way, told her to get her coat, she ran, and he went out the door. She cried and I slammed the door to the entryway after he left the apartment. He got mad cuz I slammed the door, and after about 15 seconds, when our daughter was in my arms crying cuz she wanted to come with: he came back in and slapped me upside my head. That was it: at that moment on, I got everything together and it took me about 6 months, but I got out. I have a nice apartment and a good job and good car. My life isn't perfect but me and my girls are happy now. But he's still been awful about taking the girls every other weekend. I told him he could come back and live with me so he could save money. He has been here about a month and a half and I want him gone. his car needed work and that is understandable. My question is, I am lost and I was wondering if anybody has any suggestions on what I should do with my life now? I have ADD and that is a big hurdle but I am fine most of the time. What would you do? I've come so far but there is so much more to do. How do I become independent from the state's assistance, and more than anything, I just want everyone that is bad to leave me alone. I can avoid them if I keep my head on my shoulders. Anyone that has any suggestions, I would love them, thank you! and happy thanksgiving!
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best friend, broke up, depressed, drunk, got back together, liar, lost my virginity, money, moved in, shy, text, the pill, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow, I can't believe the great advice I have gotten. And you are right. indecisiveness is crud. I don't want to be like that. I want to move on. and I want him out of my life. I always live my life in the fear that somebody is going to hurt me more or I am going to ruin somebody else's life by making a set decision but I can see where it has led me. I know I am only 23 and have a long way to go, but I am determined to make my daughter's lives full of love, patience, and honesty. thank you everyone who has given me feedback. I hope to help someone else:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Nothing in your original question indicates anything bad about the Brazillian guy at all. You know him better and you must decide if he can and will be good to two and your girls.
I know you feel lonely and alone, that you don't have anyone you can count on but you have your kids. I know that's a different kind of companionship but they represent the best family members you've ever had, so you're not alone, no matter how old they are.
You sound like a good person and truly don't let people take that away from you or convince you otherwise but it's not just your life anymore and I'm sure every decision you make on anything your babies form part of that decision. Just make sure you remember too that when a person mooches from you, makes you feel bad, puts you down or neglects you, then they're doing that to your kids too. You might think you're absorbing it and protecting them from it but it doesn't work that way. If you're paying someone else's way then that's money taken away from your kids, if you're being put down then that's their mother who is being put down, if their mother is being used, they're being used.
You wouldn't for one second let anyone treat your children like that I'm sure you'd kill and die for them. So make sure you don't let people do it to them through you either. Turn the other cheek once but if someone messes up again or betrays your trust then you have to ditch them.
The thing with your loneliness is that you do have people in your life but a lot of them are cold or abusive, the problem with this is that knowing the pain of being alone can often prevent you from getting rid of them because they're "better than nothing". These people are taking up your time that you could better spend on others. Good friends, good people, they're taking up time and effort you could use to meet these people, gain strong life long friendships or reinforce the ones you already have.
I can't judge whether you'd be a fool to start a relationship with your Brazillian, only you can, maybe it's worth the risk, or maybe you know something about him that you don't think you should go ahead.
All I can say to you is it's time to start learning to be independent, time to find a way of gaining strength from the freedom you have of not having to consider and give so much to others, other than your kids. The only person you can truly rely on is yourself but there are three people in this world that rely on you too. If you're indecisive then set yourself some rules and goals to live by. Your religion will have given you a few good moral guidelines you must decide which ones apply to you now.
Set yourself tasks to accomplish for yourself or the kids, things that will make you feel proud, small things. Things you can maybe let them participate in. Like redecorating the bathroom, or learning how to knit. Or taking up classes to learn new skills. Trying out new recipes. Start filling your life and your kids lives with the joy you always wanted in your life by creating and doing new things. Gain the kind of family life and upbringing you always wanted by creating that for them. Never stand still and never stop wanting to make each day better and when things get tough, show your kids strength by dealing with things head on and with confidence.
The best ways to deal with indecisiveness is to right lists. Pros and cons lists. Where you sit down and write down the long term and short term, benefits and negative consequences of big decisions. Cross off items on the list that are emotional or menial. Then see which one is bigger. Of course consult friends too. The idea of lists and friends in decisions is to help objectivity. Emotions can cloud our judgment greatly. Oh yeah you do know that indecision is a decision don't you? That being indecisive means you've made the decision to do nothing. Just train your brain to always choose what you feel is best to do for the long run, even if it's harder to do or might bring pain in the short term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right. I am being a fool. So I spoke to him and he is moving out right after christmas. There are a couple things that worry me but nothing that I can't find a solution to. I almost cried when I read your answer: I have too big of heart and it irritates me that i hold on to things that hold me back. He isn't that great of a father and I wouldn't be proud to call him my dad if I was one of our daughters. I have moved on from the whole "cult" thing I believe, but my parents made me feel awful for quite some time, never calling me. It is difficult being alone with nobody to count on. My native always finds some way to put a guilt trip on me: i can ignore it if I choose though. I am so indecisive and want to find some good people who accept me for who I am, but what about my ex-fiance! the Brazilian? We talk a lot and we both agree that we still feel the same way. We even spoke of marriage and 2 more kids:) He told me that when he comes to visit with our mutual friend that he can't wait to teach my girls how to make a snowman and play soccer. What is your take on that? I am just being a fool again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right. I am being a fool. So I spoke to him and he is moving out right after christmas. There are a couple things that worry me but nothing that I can't find a solution to. I almost cried when I read your answer: I have too big of heart and it irritates me that i hold on to things that hold me back. He isn't that great of a father and I wouldn't be proud to call him my dad if I was one of our daughters. I have moved on from the whole "cult" thing I believe, but my parents made me feel awful for quite some time, never calling me. It is difficult being alone with nobody to count on. My native always finds some way to put a guilt trip on me: i can ignore it if I choose though. I am so indecisive and want to find some good people who accept me for who I am, but what about my ex-fiance! the Brazilian? We talk a lot and we both agree that we still feel the same way. We even spoke of marriage and 2 more kids:) He told me that when he comes to visit with our mutual friend that he can't wait to teach my girls how to make a snowman and play soccer. What is your take on that? I am just being a fool again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): That's a long story and I assume you wrote it to vent a bit. To get it out of you so to speak.
First things first, ditch the loser. He's been nothing but poison and a leech. Why do you persist in having him in your life? and no, don't use the kids as an excuse. He can have access to the kids without being a part of your life.
Forget about having any kind of independent life until you get rid of him.
There is nothing else I can tell you until you've gotten rid of him and learned not to be so naive and "forgiving". Because you're not "forgiving" you're just being walked over. Forgiving someone is to forgive a mistake, one mistake that they won't repeat. Forgiving someone for making the same mistake over and over again and hurting you, is not forgiving it's called being a fool.
Jesus seems to be a big part of your life, well he only preached turn the other cheek once, people seem to get this stupid idea that if he hit again he'd turn his cheek again but he wouldn't he'd walk away. It's good to not respond to provocation and to use non violent resistance, it's good to forgive. But the lesson of the sermon on the mount wasn't to let yourself be walked all over by letting people abuse you, take your stuff and you just let them over and over again. The lesson was forgive once but don't let it happen again. The lesson of loving your enemy is one of loving yourself of not letting bad things people do get to you, but that can't happen unless you rid yourself of them.
Do unto others as they... etc. has to work both ways otherwise it means nothing. If you do unto others good things and they repay you with heartache and pain then you must not accept that. You must find someone that lives by the same code of conduct.
So until you've figured this out, until you figure out how this works and you rid yourself of this cancerous man then there's no point in even thinking about your life because you're just trapped in the cult of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): That's a long story and I assume you wrote it to vent a bit. To get it out of you so to speak.
First things first, ditch the loser. He's been nothing but poison and a leech. Why do you persist in having him in your life? and no, don't use the kids as an excuse. He can have access to the kids without being a part of your life.
Forget about having any kind of independent life until you get rid of him.
There is nothing else I can tell you until you've gotten rid of him and learned not to be so naive and "forgiving". Because you're not "forgiving" you're just being walked over. Forgiving someone is to forgive a mistake, one mistake that they won't repeat. Forgiving someone for making the same mistake over and over again and hurting you, is not forgiving it's called being a fool.
Jesus seems to be a big part of your life, well he only preached turn the other cheek once, people seem to get this stupid idea that if he hit again he'd turn his cheek again but he wouldn't he'd walk away. It's good to not respond to provocation and to use non violent resistance, it's good to forgive. But the lesson of the sermon on the mount wasn't to let yourself be walked all over by letting people abuse you, take your stuff and you just let them over and over again. The lesson was forgive once but don't let it happen again. The lesson of loving your enemy is one of loving yourself of not letting bad things people do get to you, but that can't happen unless you rid yourself of them.
Do unto others as they... etc. has to work both ways otherwise it means nothing. If you do unto others good things and they repay you with heartache and pain then you must not accept that. You must find someone that lives by the same code of conduct.
So until you've figured this out, until you figure out how this works and you rid yourself of this cancerous man then there's no point in even thinking about your life because you're just trapped in the cult of him.
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