A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles! I have been with a man for the past 8 months. It has been a rollercoaster wave of emotions since after the 6 month mark. His marriage has been over for the last two years and I can see that he suffers from depression and has told me he has been depressed on a couple of occasions.This Saturday he texted me and told me that he had had a huge fight with his ex about the kids and that he was depressed. I tried to talk with him and he would respond a little here and there. I checked on him on Sunday and asked him to meet me at a sports bar to watch football. He sounded at first like he was going to and then decided he would go and have "man time" with a buddy at his house. I told him that would be good for him and I would talk with him later.I talked to a friend of mine about the situation and his being depressed and she said something that stuck with me. She said "maybe you are hurting him more than you are helping him". So, I asked him and he said that he had thought about that and that he has ALOT going on. This hurt me to the core because we love each other and I had only been trying to help. So I asked him if we could get together and talk and that I didn't want to have this convo over text. He said that we will talk but didn't set a time or day and we continued to text here and there for the next couple of days.Over the next couple of days he has gotten progressively worse. He hasn't responded to me at all today, New Years Day. So, since this has happened in the past and he has completely shut me out I sent him an email and told him that I would give him the time and space that I think he needs right now. I reassured him that I loved him and that I was in no way leaving him. I was available for him at any time he needed me I just wouldn't keep bothering him with texts and emails. I asked him to respond if he thought this would be helpful and I haven't heard from him all day. The last time I had heard from him was last night (New Years Eve) at about 10pm and he was cooking and fighting with his ex again.I don't know if what I did was the right thing or not. I sent him a follow up email and told him that I wasn't sure about the last email and that I was there for him.I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not? Should I leave him alone or continue to try to get him to respond? What do I do when my boyfriend is depressed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): From the OP.
So I don't know if he is agreeing with my email I sent about giving him time and space or if he doesn't want that. Should I ask him or just let him be for a couple of days?? Please help....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): Thank you for your responses. He did respond last night to me emails but only said "I've had a bad migraine and I'm going to bed". He didn't reference anything about my email of giving him time and space. Is this his way of responding that space and time is what he needs or what do I do? Email him again? I don't want to show up at his house right now with the state he's in because I think it will make things worse. This is so confusing!!
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A
female
reader, caaitlinemma  +, writes (2 January 2014):
Speaking from someone who's been in his shoes I can understand the difficulty that you both face in this situation in a way that most people who havent suffered depression can't. But even with that I still could not tell you a black and white way to handle this. He's an individual and everything is different for everyone.In his depressed mind state he wants nothing more than to be left alone, this generally has a negative impact and amplifies the negative feelings he is dealing with. At the same time being constantly asked how he is and what someone else can do is almost just as damaging to his wellbeing because he truthfully does not know what you can do or how he is. He just knows he feels like crap. He is incredibly lucky to have you, you appear understanding and empathetic but there is still limits on what you can do to help him. Other than constantly reassuring him of you love make sure you don't just tell him but show him how amazing you think he is. Distractions like just watching a movie then cooking him tea at his place can be great even just as friends. Maybe hold off on pushing the relationship just continue to make him aware of your support and how amazing he is.Most importantly I highly recommend you get him into therapy. I personally struggled with the concept of sitting and pouring my heart out and my first attempt at therapy was a dramatic failure. My recent ex/now best friend was always encouraging of me to get into therapy. He made a code word (waffles) for anything related to my depression and it seemed easier to admit to him I was feeling waffles or I didnt want to go out because of waffles. He always made it clear when a 'waffles' situation arose that therapy would help, there are ways to heal and that depression was actually a pretty common thing. Just by constantly telling me these things it made it so much easier when he finally said I really think we should get you some help and I agreed.I know the toll being in a relationship with some who is mentally ill can be huge so it is important that when you can and he feels ready that he seeks professional help. They know how to help him and why he is feeling the way he does.I hope all works out for the both of you, itll be hard but you sound like a caring person so I'm sure youll get there
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 I don't understand why your friend was saying, that you were hurting him more. I would have done the same thing. He had been depressed before he met you. Couples fight in bad relationships. Their relationship is over and they should learn to be civil in front of their children. Your boyfriend is depressed but not depressed enough to hang out with his buddy. It looks like he needs a break from women. With you he wants to make a good impression but with his buddy he is comfortable to look his worst. A person with a recurrent depression condition is high maintenance in dating. You have to decide how long you are able to tolerate this.
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