A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend now for almost two months, we were seeing eachother for 4, so all in all we have been doing the whole dating thing for about 6 months now. We have had a hard time due to a lot of different factors. He is mildly autistic and shows traits on Schizophrenia, I have Bipolar, and even though people may say we seem like a recipe for disaster, no one else understands me like he does. Our lives are both very hectic, I have a lot of struggles with my mental health issues, as does he, and as of late he has been facing homelessness, and is currently living with me. He has recently got a job and is working towards saving up for his own place, so this arrangement will not be permanent. I am a very independent person, and I love my own personal space, I recently have been struggling with him being in the same house as me, but as he works from 3 til 11 I am finally now getting some of my own space back.. however this isn't the problem. Around about 2 years a go I was in a very bad relationship, I was cheated on numerous amounts of times, with up to 7 different women, I only found out the facts and figures last month, which I wish I had not of heard. I unfortunately have not yet had a relationship where I have not been cheated on... it has ruined my confidence and self esteem and now it is ruining my current relationship. I am convinced he is cheating on me, and I constantly check through his phone and question him everyday... I am convinced there has to be something, and I ask him everyday to make sure he still loves me. He calls it obsessive, and I do see his point but I simply am so convinced that something else has to be going on, that my paranoia just does not stop. He says he can't take much more and has even confided in my mother about this, and even she says he isn't cheating on me, and in all honesty she has a good eye for things like this. I do not know what to do to sort this issue out, for the last two days I have been freaking out at him because he basically sent a wink face to someone. This is not the person I want to be and I do not know how to help myself with this issue. I am medicated, and unfortunately as the mental health system in my area is falling apart, therapy at this moment in time is impossible to get hold of, so what exactly can I do to stop this paranoia? I obviously don't want to break up with him so any suggestion is a good one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI personally think this has been the best advice I have ever received on this website.... It has put a lot in perspective for me.
I love him, I really do... we used to be highschool sweethearts and dated previously for 9 months, before getting back together 3 years later.
When I was with him all those years a go, none of this was an issue, I wasn't paranoid nor was I constantly suspecting he would cheat on me, so I know that now he has come back, this has been quite a big shock for him.
The relationship I was in previously was a nightmare, I had a lot of other things going on at the time, such as a family member dying of cancer, a diagnosis of bipolar amongst other things... so when I found out my ex had been cheating on me throughout all this it really tore me apart and pretty much destroyed my opinions on men and relationships as a whole, which is why I find all of this so difficult.
We do not use our illnesses as an excuse or a crutch, I am totally responsible for my actions and I am totally responsible for invading his privacy and keeping a constant eye on him... of course my illness does influence this as part of this paranoia of him cheating comes from obsessive thoughts that I cannot help, and it has become a serious irrational fear, however I know that I am the only person who can control this and no amount of pills or visits to shrinks will fix this.
I know I have to learn to stop myself from looking into things to deeply, and I know I have to control the worrying factor for the sake of my relationship, its harder said than done but you have really really helped. You put it very simply, people get cheated on, I am not the only one, and its a part of life that maybe I should not fear as much as I have done.
In my brain I sometimes believe that by worrying and constantly checking things I can maybe prevent it, but at the end of the day when I think about it, if he does want to go and get up to no good then there is no way I can stop him, and if the worse comes to the worse, then I can simply leave him and move on with my life. I think the reason I obsess over it is because last time the feeling was amplified, due to all the other things going on, so like an animal I am desperately trying to protect myself from feeling like that again.
He does not deserve this, and I know that my constant suspicion is going to drive him and everyone else mad, he isn't the one who done the wrong doing so like you said he should not have to suffer for it. Like you also said, love should be carefree and this definitely is not care free... there is no point in being in a relationship where I cannot let go of all the worries, and I have said this to him... and I have promised to try better to control myself, and realize that this is all in my head and it is simply something that happens to everyone, and everyone has to recover from it or in essence, the person who cheated originally ended up succeeding in there goal to screw you up to put it nicely.
I showed him this question and your answer, to which he was astounded that someone had finally put what he has been saying into the right the words xD This also applies to him as he too has bad worries when it comes to me as he last year came out of a relationship where his then girlfriend had been cheating on him for 7 months, so to put it nicely we are both faced with the same issues but deal with them in different ways. You have made me realize that if I don't stop, I am going to lose him, and I am then going to get myself into an even bigger state for creating the problem in the first place.
I'm not going to make out this is going to make everything go away like that, but now I know more work needs to be done, I need to work on myself, and even though I am sure I am ready for this relationship, I need to learn how to love someone properly again, without all this negativity and anxiety.
Thank you so much! I am pretty sure you'll be at the top of that leader board soon, fantastic advice :)
A
male
reader, lawncare +, writes (11 May 2015):
 Your mistrust will strangle this relationship sooner or later and it needs to stop immediately or you will suffer the consequences.That might sound harsh as an opening sentence but put all your labels and all of your personal problems and all of his problems and the sadness of your dating history to one side and answer this question: do you think that this is good or reasonable behaviour? If you're struggling to answer that, then answer this: would you accept being subject to such scrutiny? I am willing to bet that the answer to both is a resounding 'no'.If indeed you have come to that conclusion, you must therefore accept that part of the problem comes from your behaviour. This isn't criticism; we are all flawed, each of us, and working through it is what makes us human. If you have not come to that conclusion then feel free to ignore whatever I write.People will get cheated on. It's a sad fact. It has happened to me. It has happened to many that I know. Many of us have carried forward some paranoia or uncertainty. We put up walls, exercise extra scrutiny, or never let people close. And in time, this behaviour leaves us where we were before: alone.You cannot allow the past to dictate the present in this situation. It will breed a cycle of recrimination and regret. Every person is new, every relationship is different. You are punishing your partner for something beyond his control and that is wrong and unfair. On pragmatic terms it sounds like does not have a case to answer to. He lives with you, you scrutinise his phone and your hawkeyed mother vouches for him (mums really do know best). What else can he do save from you attaching a GPS to him or following him around 24/7?There is a lot of information about mental health here and whilst I am as sympathetic as it gets, there is nothing in your problem that I haven't seen in relationships with people declared compos mentis. I worry that your mutual medical histories are being used as a crutch on which to rest when your behaviour becomes irrational, rather than the medical issue generating irrational behaviour in itself. If it is the latter then that is fine and I hold my hand up as having made a bad suggestion. But if it is the case then you have a duty to take care of those problems and not allow them to overly affect others.Relationships are not therapy. Your boyfriend cannot remedy your previous relationship even if he displays several years of clean SMS history. My advice to you is to take a real inward look and ask whether this relationship is something you are ready to have. There are issues with trust that will eat away at you and prevent you from enjoying love to its fullest until they are addressed. Love should free you from anxiety. Right now you are held captive by anxiety and you are forcing those around you to feel the same.
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