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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Sorry this is so long! I have known my friend 10 years now. We’re in our 20s, so we’re not in high school, even though this sounds like a high school problem. I moved away and my friend hung around more with her co-workers. They gave her a lot of flack for being single and a virgin, so she lied to them and told them she had a boyfriend. (She just made it up for them to stop bothering her.) It got to the point to where she was calling me every day to complain about them. There was a cute guy at her job who was the typical good looking, Mr.Popular jock. She wasn’t popular in high school and never had a boyfriend, even in college. So when he asked her out, so she became obsessed with him and then she got boy crazy and really changed. The attention went to her head, I guess. She started acting stuck up and like she was better than everyone. Whenever we would hang out, she always had to make some kind of side comment around me, like my outfit looks weird or my hair is a bad color. (I have never insulted her- she would just make these comments- she always had to put someone down.) From then on, all of her energy was concentrated on her work and co-workers. She would brag about her friends and then ask me if I was jealous of her. She didn't get into law school, so my brother said she was just jealous of me getting into med school, so that is why she would brag about her friends. Her cat passed away a few weeks later and she was really upset. She wrote me an email telling me how depressed she was and how she said she knows she was a bad friend and how she should have been there for me. Well, she began to lose a lot of weight- clothes started to hang off of her. When a friend and I commented on her weight loss, she became upset and told us her sister already said the same thing to her. My friend also used to have a very bubbly and outgoing personality and then she became very quiet. After we got back, I was in med school and was a full-time student, so I was too busy to hang out or talk. She kept calling and was mad at me for not taking her calls and not being able to hang out, but I had too much homework and was getting over a death in my family. When I met up with her eventually, I let her know what was going on- how I was feeling, how she acted, etc.- I let it all out. She wasn’t expecting it and was in complete shock. She began to become really quiet around me from then on and things weren’t the same- we had awkward conversations. I know I’m a very good friend- I was there for her and when I was busy with school I would sent her letters and cards, but I just reached my breaking point. Now she thinks I’m sick of her and we haven’t talked in months. I apologized for my outburst, but tried to explain that we just care for her and don’t want to see her hurt. She just gets very defensive and thinks we’re attacking her. Her dad would always give her a hard time about her weight when she was little, even though her sister was the heavy one, he would take it out on my friend. Anxiety also runs in their family, so she has that. I feel like if I turn my back on her now, I am a bad friend and I know she probably needs my support. But at the same time, I think I sometimes am way too involved and just need to focus on my own life first. My family and friends say I should be there for her, but I feel like I have done all I can do. Either way my friend makes it seem like I'm the bad person. Any thoughts?????
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male
reader, oBaLLiNo  +, writes (11 September 2009):
Well if she is putting other people down it is either because she is insecure or she knows that person is better than her. You guys seem like real friends so just talk to her about it. the best way is to face the problem directly, and over time some people just change so you never know.!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I have a lot of friends that go through this and I have one friend that went through that went through the same thing. To be honest your friend needs to grow up and realize what being friends is all about.To you I say, there's no reason to shut her out of your life but don't feed her with a spoon. You can be there for her but friendship is a two way street. She needs to realize that you are busy in your life as well and that not everything is about her. So yeah you don't have to shut her out, but currently your studies are more important than this crap from her. I think you have actually done all you can do, it's just up to her to reach the next half. Anyway I'm not sure how things will turn out but I guess focus on your studies for now. Check on her when you can but make yourself number one. Like they always always say , never make someone a priority when you are just an option in theirs.
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