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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Why is my husband so selfish? He was the oldest of 8 kids but I swear he acts like an only child sometimes; someone who never learned how to compromise, or share things, or accept another person's ideas and viewpoints. Case in point; we bought some plants for our garden but when I tried to show him how I had visualized the garden (which plants looked nice together) he threw a big fit starting shouting at me and stomped back into the house like a spoiled brat! Just because I thought the birdbath looked better in the middle of the garden instead of hidden in the back he threatened to drive a tractor over the whole damn thing and crush everything. What makes someone respond in such extreme ways when they cannot always get their way? He seems so immature in my opinion and I thought he"d eventually outgrow this over barren crap at some point but he actually seems worse now that he can't control my every thought or idea. Is there any hope he will change and be normal?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 July 2013):
 OP, your husband may be more sensitive to compromising, sacrificing and sharing because, as an oldest child, particularly in a large family, he`s done more than his share of compromising, sacrificing and sharing. There are some benefits to being the oldest, but there are a lot of drawbacks as well.
The oldest child has all the expectations and responsibilities but almost no authority. Parents are usually far stricter with us than with younger siblings (enforcing all those rules gets exhausting). And whenever there are disputes between he and younger siblings he is often blamed because he was 'old enough to know better`.
I don't know what the dynamics are between you, but as the others have pointed out, if you, for the most part, have control over how the inside is set up, your husband might want greater control over the outside.
Gardening can be very rewarding but it is also backbreaking and tedious. What helps pass the time is being able to lose yourself in your thoughts while you work. Kind of like meditating. It's impossible to do that when someone is following you around doling out advice and suggestions. It turns what should be a labour of love into an arduous chore.
You know your situation better than we do. This is just food for thought.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 July 2013):
 I'm also a wife to a firstborn, and I have a simple explanation as well as a good way to deal with it.
He uses this behavior simply because it works. He's rigid "my way or the highway" because he just is. Like Wiseowle said, that will never change. What must change is your response to it.
With him, you need to recondition his response to reward compromise and considerate behavior, and don't reward him by flying off the handle when he gets out of control like this. Believe it or not, the way you react, argue, chase after him, or escalate a fight is the reward.
Before I go on, you do realize that the way the outside is decorated, and even the inside is a collaboration of both of your opinions? You showed him how *you* visualized the garden, but did you give his visualization equal weight and importance? Decoration isn't merely the woman's domain, and I know many men who view the outside as their territory.
I'm curious about your birth order. Are you also a firstborn or only child (that can cause fireworks? Are you a youngest child (putting an oldest with a youngest can be human nuclear fission!)? If you believe in the birth order stuff, you know that usually the best person to work with a firstborn is a middle child, which are said to be typically the best person to work with strong personalities.
You cannot react to his crap about bulldozing with a tractor. He might as well take a match to his wallet, because landscaping is expensive. If you both are at an impasse about where a birdbath is, then list the pros and cons of each place, and then make the decision together. The whole thing cannot be just your vision, because he's 50% partner in Household Family, Inc. In fact, praise his idea when he says it, and then mention "You know, in line with what you're thinking, we could upgrade your idea by trying the birdbath here". All of a sudden, the fight is averted and he's going along with your idea AND feeling appreciated!
That's the trick with a lot of opinionated people. Give merit to their opinion, which totally opens the door for your opinion, and surprisingly not only has much more success than locking horns, but usually as your opinion is getting heeded, he's feeling in love with you because you stroked his ego while doing it. The thing about oldest born is, affirmation to them is like water to a thirsty man in the desert, and they are much more open to your suggestions and much more cheerful in deferring to you.
I do not recommend using that method for pure manipulation for selfish gain. You too must learn the art of the compromise, and the lost art of cheerful marital negotiation. The highly opinionated "my way or the highway" people are pretty much the easiest to manipulate. You'd think that wasn't the case! My husband laughs and calls it a "Jedi Mind Trick". My mom was also an oldest child, and my brothers would get so pissed that I could make her do complete 180's on her decisions when they couldn't. My father was the youngest, so for him, I had to do my best Daddy's Little Girl...didn't always work on him though.
The other thing that works is picking your battles and letting him have his way in some of them, giving you leverage to win the ones that matter to you.
Going back to his wanting to bulldoze the project, you know that's an empty threat, right? If he says that, just smile and say "Well, before you do that, let's get the birdbath decision out of the way. With all this time taken in fighting, we could have figured out the location of every birdbath in the neighborhood!" Say it all with a smile, because no amount of stomping and shouting should press your button. In fact, if he stomps and shouts, give it a half hour, go in there, and say to him "Hey, if you're cooled off, let's finish this off so we can have fun!".
Trust me...try these negotiations sometime. They're scary with how well they not only work, but your husband will totally feel like your hero, releasing all sorts of love chemicals. In your case, it'll take awhile to work, because he'll wonder who you are and what you've done with his wife. heh. Keep him guessing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): No, there is no likelihood he will change. He's too old.
It will take a tragedy to open his eyes. The behavior is deep-seated in his psyche.
You figured he would grow up after marriage; when you first experienced the behavior prior to marrying him. It isn't new; because it does carry over from childhood. You thought your love would cure him.
Love is not a medicine. It is an emotion.
The one thing that may change him, is knowing you will leave him if he doesn't.
It would be sensible to say "get counseling." Counseling is for the willing. It is successful; because a couple most likely would survive without it. It takes shear will to make the marriage work. If there is no will, there is no way.
Realistically, most men reject that suggestion flat out. It is quite often a waste of money; if you don't find the right counselor. You'll end up divorced anyway.
He is getting close to middle-age, and unhappy with his life. There is stuff going on in his head that he will never talk about. So he will resist being changed. His attitude is, "my way or the highway." "Deal with it!"
He may be stressing from pressures that he doesn't care to discuss; and you likely spoil him for the sake of keeping the peace. Loving wives become martyrs for men like him.
Like a little boy, he throws a tantrum; and your conditioned-response is to throw up your hands and give in.
He chose you as a partner, because you are a caregiver and you are level-headed. He can count on unconditional love; regardless of his emotional outbursts. You reward them by giving him silence, fake obedience, and bowing to his intimidation. He thinks he wears the pants. It may not be true, but try and tell him otherwise.
It sounds like you have been going through this for a long time. It is getting worse as he gets older. That's because he has a lot of unresolved childhood to adulthood issues.
He's a time-bomb, and you walk eggshells around him.
You will not like my advice; because it is tough medicine to swallow.
When he rages. Give him his space. Do not resort to the silent treatment; unless he ignores you. Go about your day as if nothing ever happened. When a child throws a tantrum; you ignore them. You give them a time out. You act your adult-self. Going completely about your daily routine.
You offer to have a talk. Not when he's in a rage. Not at bedtime, not at the dinner table. Set aside a time and a place. When you have his attention. Tell him what you wrote in the post. Keep it short and sweet. Rehearse it in your head until you reduce it to it's most condensed version.
When he is angry or moody, anything you say is interpreted as nagging. So you have to approach him during downtime.
Tell him that his temper tantrums and rages are becoming intolerable. You love him, but cannot continue to love him if you have to endure this behavior any longer. In fact, you would go as far as to leave him.
You accomplish nothing over a day. You have to address one marital issue at a time. Work them out together. He has a bug up his butt, and he isn't laying it all on the table.
Instead, he acts out, and demands his way like a jerk.
Until he realizes he could lose you, I don't mean some idle threat. I mean bags packed to go home to your family. You don't mention children? I don't know what country you're from. If your culture condones this behavior from men, leaving him is your only alternative.
Over-bearing angry men do not change until something forces them to. They make everyone around them afraid of their outbursts, and you find yourself apologizing to people when he misbehaves. You find yourself locked in the bathroom in tears when you've had more than you can stand.
If he doesn't change. You have to change. That includes the scenery around you as well. You have to consider living life without him. Over time, he will break your spirit and wear you down.
You tell yourself you can't live without him, and how much you love him.
Well, does he love you enough to change? He has to know how unhappy he is making you. He has to know there will be dire consequences if he doesn't stop. Not modify; but "stop" the
controlling and angry behavior.
Like a child, the behavior continues. Until something he cherishes is taken from him as punishment. That's you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Whenever my fiance and I have differing opinions and we both feel strongly about them and it seems that we cant resolve we "rock, paper, scissors" for it. In the event we draw too many times and we are too tense to keep going we negotiate. For example I let her win this one but the next time, within reason, I get to win. If that idea fails then we negotiate a better idea... ie for the birdbath talk and mutually decide on a place.If you both cant peacefully decide on a place to put a birdbath then I think there is something wrong with both of you!As a man for it to get frustrating for him it is either because he is short tempered or you dont listen to his ideas. Or you listen then do what you want to do.At the end of the day it is only a bird bath. It should be enjoyable to garden not a painWe dont know the full story but it seems like you guys need to communicate better.
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