A
female
age
51-59,
*tunned1
writes:I’ve read a lot of wisdom on this site so I thought I’d seek some guidance and advice from you wonderful people.My BF of 1.5 years left me without any warning a month ago. I came home and all of his stuff was gone and only a note left saying he didn’t have the passion to keep going any more; I’m wonderful, more than he deserves, will always love me, knows I deserve better than a note but he doesn’t have the strength….How it began: After recovering from my divorce (left me for another woman a couple of years before) I started dating. Then I met a wonderful man, so it seemed. He appeared to have it all together, grounded, successful, easy going, fun. I looked hard for red flags to avoid being hurt again. The only things I noticed were his frugalness (always looked for a bargain/never paid full price), expected me to pay for meals after he paid for a few, seemed uncomfortable talking about feelings, other than simple answers. But none seemed unreasonable (I believe women should help out with paying and trust and emotional intimacy is built over time). I trusted he would talk to me if something bothered him because he was honest with others and would tackle things head on vs. avoiding things. The first year was blissful and I had never been happier. He said he loved me all the time and we would text through out the day and see each other every night. As the honeymoon period was winding down things started to slowly change. I started questioning his sincerity and his feelings for me. It was the little things, like he didn’t seem to express any opinion on decisions I would have to make when I’d bounce them off of him, no indication he felt a need to “take care of me”/worry about me. (I don’t need to be taken care of, just the indication that that mattered to him would have been sufficient.) Internally, I was fighting these thoughts saying I was allowing fear of being left again and hurt again affect us so I would fight back the doubts and never talk to him about it. Unfortunately, I think that move caused those doubts (fears?) to creep out in other ways. I started feeling I was giving more emotionally and financially so I would make a subtle comment once in a while or I wouldn’t help him cook dinner (he knew I didn’t know how to cook so I cleaned up.) When I would help he wouldn’t help clean so I was trying to keep “fairness” in the relationship. I started to withdraw subtly, slowly (watched too much tv instead of giving him my attention) and I suppose I didn’t initiate sex enough, though I never turned him down. Still I think he wanted me to show my desire for him so he started to back off, too.Things became a little more distant between us the last few weeks but I didn’t fully understand at the time what was happening in me or why and I never talked to him about things. I thought he was having a rough patch at work, which he would say he was. I was still loving (hugs, kisses, getting him a drink, etc) but that was it. We never seemed to verbally share feelings or fears. I know now I had a fear of emotional intimacy and, looking back, I believe he did, too.On the day he left, I texted him and he responded he was having a bad day. Little did I know he was in the process of moving his things out. I called him on my way home (daily event) and he didn’t answer. I figured he was still dealing with the work issue. Wrong. I tried to reach him that night but he wouldn’t talk to me. I tracked him down the next day and said I didn’t understand; I thought he was happy. He said he hadn’t been happy for a couple of months. I asked why he didn’t say anything. He said he did. I suppose if you call a random comment made once talking, he did. He said he didn’t want to ask me to change for him. He cried. I cried. We hugged but he was sobbing and asked me to leave so I did. He has not contacted me and I've haven't reached out either. I know how he ended things was cowardly but I behaved cowardly by hiding my fears and doubts from him, so how can I hold him to a higher standard? He’s been hurt from past relationships, too, so he kept things in like I did. I can’t help thinking if we only opened up to each other…. But then I think, maybe my instincts were right and he never really intended on “happily ever after” and is really a serial “relationship” guy who leaves once the hard work of communicating is needed. Is he that shallow, selfish, scared guy or did he really love me but thought that who he saw me as at the end (withdrawn and watching too much tv as my comfort escape) was who I really am? My behavior was wrong and was simply a defense mechanism, which I’m working on now, but do I reach out to him or just let him go? I’m haunted by the “if only” and “what if”.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2011):
 Until folks accept that it's HARD WORK to make a relationship work, these sort of things will happen.I"m with a partner now that asked me to go to counseling early on in our relationship (before we were together a year)... not because of fundamental relationships differences (we believe a relationship should be run the same way) but to LEARN TO COMMUNICATE... so when folks say "isn't it early for counseling" my response is... NO because all we are learning to do is express our feelings better to each other...I wish you joy and peace and happiness in 2012.... and yes YOUR MR. RIGHT is out there...and it will happen...
A
female
reader, Stunned1 +, writes (27 December 2011):
Stunned1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm touched and impressed by all the wise and compassionate folks out there. My head agrees with all the advice and I am taking the steps to move on and have been keeping myself busy.
Eddie: I hear you and I really do cherish the time we spent together. Truly some of the happiest days of my life. I learned a lot from him and will always smile when a memory pops up. The pain that comes with it will fade over time, I'm sure.
Sageoldguy: Men can behave peculiarly but Lord knows, so can women! I thinks it's a human trait.
I just wish I could find a guy who believes in rolling up their sleeves to keep something special. I guess my search continues....
God bless all of you and I wish you a happy, healthy, and love-filled New Year!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 December 2011):
 It's over... don't give it a second thought.. and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!We men are prone to behave peculiarly,.... and this is just one such case.... You will be OK....Good luck...
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (26 December 2011):
 I am going to agree with the other answers here. Let the man go.From the sounds of it, the relationship was in its dying gasps when he decided to pull the plug. Despite you bending over backwards to please him, if he isn't into it emotionally, its just not going to work.I wouldn't put any blame on yourself. These things happen and unfortunately it did happen right before the holidays (I've been there too).It sounds like he did try to reach out to you, but from the sounds of it, he is very reserved with his feelings and probably didn't know how to tell you outright what he was feeling. In fact, he sounds like he is a bit of a coward in the way he left you.Your take home lesson on this is that you knew something wasn't right and you should've probably brought it up to him. Also, no guy is going to be perfect. He may have been frugal, but that doesn't mean he wasn't a good match or wasn't a good guy.Finally, be good to yourself. Relationships come and go and from the sounds of it, this one ended simply because it ran out of steam. I don't see any foul here and you should feel good and cherish the time you did spend together. I know this doesn't make it any easier today, but it does mean that there'll be somebody, sometime, in your future that will fall 100% in love with you.Merry Christmas and Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): I think it is good that you are seeing where you 'may' have contributed to the ending of your relationship. But it is not good that you are starting to blame yourself. I think the most likely 'truth' of the matter is, that your instincts were correct. That something deep inside you knew the truth. I think that the best thing for you to do is realize YOUR part in making the relationship not work out better (which is to now always speak your truths...be true to yourself by being who you truely are)... but that really is only a very small part to the ending of your relationship, so you can stop blaming yourself. Your ex bf was the other part of this relationship, and not only did he not communicate with you, he didn't even give you a chance to work on anything. He also ended it in a rather cruel way, albeit he wasn't strong enough to end it in a kinder way. I think, that for your peace of mind, you could tell him your 'side of the story' and leave it with him. I doubt it will make a difference, but there is a small possibility it will. I believe that if he was really 'into' you and 'into' the relationship, he would have worked on it to the end and he would not have given up till he tried everything in his power to make it work. As hard as it is, I don't think he ended the relationship because of the things you say you did, I think he left the relationship because he was over it, and your instincts were right. Believe that you did the best you could, learn what you can, then wait out the healing time as your heart mends. He isn't the one for you... just a small part of your life preparing you for meeting a man who is the 'one'
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A
female
reader, Stunned1 +, writes (26 December 2011):
Stunned1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, both, for your replies. I know i need to move on. I will fight the thoughts that I just want to try again and see if we can actually do it right this time because it would take both of use and his lack of contact shows he's sure of his decision. I doubt I could say anything that would say would change his mind.
Lovspink - I agree love should never be about keeping score. So I shouldn't look at it like "I was giving more" but instead recognize if I feel I'm not "feeling loved" enough and why THEN talk about it. Painful lessons, again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): I am sorry you have gone through this, I know how that hurts. I would let go at this point. Maybe given some time you will be able to talk about what happened, but at this stage, I think that the lack of communication throughout the relationship makes it harder to communicate now. "if only" and "what if" questions do haunt you, but they certainly don't help. From your post it seems that you already know the answers your looking for, there was lack of communication in the relationship, and you both withdrew instead of working through the problems. This relationship has run it's course unfortunately and the only thing he can be blamed for is his cowardly way of ending things. Let him go and continue working on your defense mechanisms. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Lovspink +, writes (26 December 2011):
I would not "reach out to him" what's done is done. Instead you need to take the energy and use it to think about the new person who will be coming into you life, believe me this will happen soon enough. You are both probably wonderful people that were just not meet to be together. Please understand that also relationships should never be filled with keeping score of what you do or don't do. Never date a man that dosent pay all the time. You deserve a gentalmen, nothing less......... Take care
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