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female
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anonymous
writes: my boyfriend My boyfriend's dad was controlling to his mom. My mom is controlling to my dad and to me. Neither of us wants to turn out like our controlling parent. I've always been submissive to my mom, while my boyfriend struggles not to become controlling like his dad. My boyfriend encourages me to be assertive and make adult decisions by myself. He encourages me to tell him when he's being controlling of me, because he doesn't always know when he's doing things that are controlling to me. Should I have to tell him when he's being controlling? Shouldn't he have to realize that himself? What is the proper balance of control and submission in a relationship? When I'm assertive, he doesn't take me seriously, and sometimes he doesn't even notice when I'm trying to be assertive. Also, he doesn't always allow me to be assertive. He talks so much I often find it difficult to get a word in edgewise. How can I be assertive if he won't let me? I find it difficult to be assertive without being afraid of being controlling. I don't want to be his mom; I shouldn't have to be his mom. He has a mom, and she's a good mom at that. I don't want to be mean to him or "whip" him as women are often depicted as doing to their significant other. I don't want to control, dominate, degrade him like my mom does to my dad. I know I can't please everyone, and what I do is up to me, but what should I do? Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Submission is a word I don't like very much. "Cooperation" is a more sensible word and it is a trait, that women do possess much more than men. When a woman co-operates she is submitting to the will of the other person in the expectation that the other person will respect her & take her needs and wants into consideration. When women co-operate with her partner, they both are submitting to the combined will of the two people in the relationship, so she has a say in the decision-making process. If she's not allowed this decision making process, then she is being controlled. Each partner takes equal responsibility for making sure that everything is shared equally, that each person gets what he or she wants..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Submission is a word I don't like very much. "Cooperation" is a more sensible word and it is a trait, that women do possess much more than men. When a woman co-operates she is submitting to the will of the other person in the expectation that the other person will respect her & take her needs and wants into consideration. When women co-operate with her partner, they both are submitting to the combined will of the two people in the relationship, so she has a say in the decision-making process. If she's not allowed this decision making process, then she is being controlled. Each partner takes equal responsibility for making sure that everything is shared equally, that each person gets what he or she wants..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): Its hard to get a balance on being clear and assertive and coming across as'demanding and controlling'. As long as you are being honest about it all and are not using manipulative behaviour i really dont think you can do anymore. You both obviously have witnessed how controlling behaviour can be destructive and you both seem willing to try to avoid this... keep communicating is my suggestion. Try not to focus on this all the time though, because you will spend so much time trying to make sure you are both not controlling each other, that you'll miss out on the other fundamental aspects to your relationship like love, mutual respect, honesty and of course laughing with each other. good luck.
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