A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, so not so long ago my boyfriend of 8 months which is older than me, we were talking and I guess that during our conversation something triggered him to talk about a girl, who last year (Feb-2017) he met in his work area, she is a Senior management administrator of a beautiful building and he is part of a group of engineers who were working in that building, so he told me that she was very flirtatious, he thought she was engaged because of a ring she had, but then she appeared without the ring, cause her boyfriend had dumped her for his ex girlfriend, so well my boyfriend which by that time was single and we had not still not met each other , started going out with her, and getting to know each other, this girl was always flirting with him, and so he felt attracted to her quickly, thereby felt many illusions quickly, the point is they did not have a relationship, it never got to the point of boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship (they did not even have sex) he told me that he got tired cause she was too Diva, but also that she was too insecure and was not balanced mentally (According to my boyfriend) so he got bored of her excuses, and her behavior I guess, so that ended.So a weekend when we were together, he brought her up, I do remember when him and I started dating he talked very superficially about her, barely nothing, but know he opened more about her and who is she and more detailed explanations, So I felt a little insecure when he brought her up(Especially when he said that she is very pretty,looks like a model,has a great job, etc,, This really made me feel DOWN!!!) cause I had seen a picture of her on his Facebook( BTW me and My boyfriend don't have each other on Facebook, months ago he told me his profile user name, to add each other but I never did),so this girl that I had seen on his friends list, I had assumed it was the same girl he had mentioned at the beginning, and in fact it was her, so I knew how she looked physically,She does have a similar style/prototype like me.But now for some weird reason, I feel the curiosity to see how she looks like, to see her pictures and compare myself to her, and see who is hotter, prettier, best body all his nonsense. I don't want to say it's an obsession, but I get very curious about all of this, Am I being insecure for feeling this way? or is it normal curiosity, or just to even compare myself to another girl that my boyfriend had something with. I just feel very curious, I just hope he is not with me, because that girl and me have a similar prototype. I feel as if I wanted to know who he finds better if me or her, physically speaking, but I don't dare to ask him, I don't think that I wont. I am going to be honest, I don't want to sound cocky or like if I am trying to put her down, I admit she is pretty, but the way that my boyfriend described her or talked about her, was not what I was expecting, I thought she was like some gorgeous 5'9 model, beautiful face, hair, everything, So I felt very shocked, like surprise when I saw her picture, I was thinking something WOW, but not Really,as I said she is pretty, cute girl, normal to me, just my opinion.I dont know why I felt so down or belittled when he mentioned her to me, maybe shock, a little jealousy, insecure???.
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engaged, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, her ex, his ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2018): An outright dumb logic that someone can't go without sex for a year. So in that time someone can't get over someone, can't be busy, doesn't fancy someone and is selective etc. In your mind someone can't go without it, I spent years not having sex for all the reasons stated above.
He doesn't want to talk to you about it because he knows you have become fixated on something that doesn't matter. Why do you x are so much about her? You are your own person so why care so much if by your own logic he would have needed to have sex with someone even just for the sheer hell of he needs it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): Yep the same female who was obsessing over the female from his past a few weeks ago, just worded different and again just asking and thanking wise owl.
You know what you have had your advice and it's been given by many with the same reputation answers.
You do what you wanna do because you're not listening. You are obsessed with her and he knows it. You need to get a grip but you haven't taken the advice that was given kindly. Go seek therapy, no one on here can help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): @WiseOwlE, Hi there, yes you are right, the funny thing is that yesterday we were together, doing exercise, and we were talking about Sex, and how long a person can go without it, and I told him that wow I think a year would be way too much, to wait for sex,it would be weird,so here is what caught my eye.
I asked him, so in 2017 you told me that you did not have sex at all right, cause wow that would be too long without sex,
And then he says to me like a little offguard ''oh what? you say that a year is too much?, and I reply ''yeah'' maybe.
So he tells me: I did have sex at the beginning of 2017, I told you, I was getting to know a girl, we went out a few time,but that is it, was it love? NO, and I am glad it happened this way''. this was his response.
But when he actually opened up about her,like 2 months ago and he told me everything, the whole story between them, he said ":''We did not have SEX,WE ALMOST DID, BUT IT DID NOT HAPPEN!!''
So now why is he saying he did in fact had sex with her (CAUSE OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE SAME GIRL HE IS TALKING ABOUT!!) there is no DOUBT WHATSOEVER THAT IT IS HER.
PLUS another thing why does he still have her on Facebook, and has not eliminated her, when we began dating he told me his Facebook profile name, I guess so I can add him. I could never find him until I already had like 5 months with him, and that is where I saw this girls in his Facebook friends and immediately knew it was her.
Maybe I should tell him hey let's add each other on Facebook, just to see how he reacts now!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): "I dont know why I felt so down or belittled when he mentioned her to me, maybe shock, a little jealousy, insecure???"
It's all of the above. Your relationship is very new, and you don't really know much about people in an 8-month span. You have to see them through a full-spectrum of emotions; and spend more time to establish your feelings and build trust. you've got to come through a few tests and challenges to test the durability of your relationship.
You're a relatively new couple; so your insecurity is somewhat understood. Not to the degree you're nearly stalking someone he mentioned in his past.
Sometimes people can be irritatingly repetitive in conversation; or have an unresolved opinion about someone they knew that nags at them. If it makes you uncomfortable that he keeps bringing her up, just say so.
This is the period within your relationship you have to learn how to set boundaries and have an understanding between you. Keep communication open and free-flowing.
Don't build the relationship around your insecurities; because that's a very shaky foundation. If all you care about is who he used to be with, not who he's with now; don't expect things go any better for you, than they went for her. He needs to be reminded you don't need to know about her. He's mentioned her enough. Stop stalking her on Facebook.
How is it up to you to decide which of you is the prettier?
His choice may not be based on how your looks compare; but maybe he's expecting more from you. The last paragraph of your post says you're heading down the wrong path. You're obsessing on her, and she's becoming too much of a factor in your relationship.
I think you both need to kick her out of your relationship;
so tell him you'd appreciate not hearing about her anymore.
You're still trying to build some trust; and you promise not to bring-up any old boyfriends. Make a pact. Be mature about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2018): I am pretty sure you have asked this question before just in a different way. She is a female he 'could have' had a thing with but it got NOWEHERE and that is the end.
Why he is telling you she is pretty etc is hard to say, just being honest maybe, because he states they were not suited in personality?
There is nothing to compare, he is with YOU and you honestly feel he tries to put you down and make you feel insecure then maybe you have to question if he is the right man for you. It sounds like you are getting fixated on her and maybe somehow you brought her up?
She is not an ex, nor ever been some major factor in his life, you need to block her and stop comparing, it is pointless and is achieving nothing..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2018): So there was a woman who he thought was very attractive and who was really coming on to him. But he didn’t take advantage of her, stopped seeing her and started seeing you.
Really, I fail to see a “relationship situation” here. He likely talks in passing about this woman because he thinks that you are mature and self confident, and that it won’t bother you. You seem determined to prove him wrong…
He has chosen you. There is no contest between you and her, except in your mind. Be mature and self confident otherwise he will move on.
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