A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my lass are both virgins, but we've started to get serious. But, I'm not totally sure what's the best way to get her into bed, and what...foreplay and position that will pleasure her the most. I know it's an awkward topic, but any help?
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (4 September 2010):
If you have to "get her into bed", neither of you are ready for sex. The question of first-time sex appears quite regularly on here, and you can find answers to your questions if you look for them.
When my wife and I exchanged virginity (she gave hers to me, and received mine in return) she expected it to hurt and she did have a fair amount of pain. A lot of that was because both of us were a little eager and inexperienced - I'll tell you what we could have done better in a moment. She bled about like a heavy period but it didn't last long. Physically, she remembers the sensations of pain at the initial insertion, the feeling of being filled by a huge penis (I'm really NOT that large!), and a good feeling when I finished VERY quickly and pulled out. Physiologically, it was perhaps some of the worst sex we've had in over 30 years of marriage - mentally and emotionally it is an extremely significant and meaningful event in both our lives. Though even on the physical level, we were eager to do it again only about 2 hours later so it wasn't horrible!
At the very least, spend some time - any where from several days, to a few months - learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Make sure he understands and agrees to this. You should learn each others' sexual response patterns and how to bring each other to orgasm.
(Many sources suggest three things that make your very first time go better. One is to bring him to orgasm just before he tries to enter you. It will help him have the control and consideration to be aware of your response, and minimize your discomfort. While he is "recharging" - about 5 or 10 minutes - he should bring you to orgasm. Then you will be as relaxed, open, and lubricated, as you'll ever be. The third thing to do, rather than laying on your back and waiting for the pain, is to put HIM on his back, straddle him, guide him into you and use your vagina to envelope his erection instead of letting him "stick it into you". There is NO WAY he can feel the best location, angle, etc for gently easing into you - especially since he is also a virgin. Unfortunately, I suspect most young women are too self-conscious and nervous to actually do this.)
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (As I mentioned, her first time and my first time were the same time. It was rather painful for her, and a bloody mess.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month. There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
A
male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (3 September 2010):
 If you are both in a serious relationship then you will build upto the point, you wont have to try to get her because she is already your serious other half. As a man you do need to make your intent clear to her that you do want her or she will not feel comfy around you when things start to heat up.
Do not rush or push her, however be a man, be confident, if you are confident andmake your intent clear with kissing cuddling touching etc, she will understand you, give it time.
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A
female
reader, Over..worried.  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 I agree with the girl before me. You can only have this conversation , with her. Then you aren't ready to have sex. This topic really is not awkward at all. Talk to her about it. Let her know you are ready for sex. And ask if she feels the same way.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (2 September 2010):
 You shouldent be "getting" her into bed at all!
This is a conversation you need to have with her.
If you dont feel like you can have it, then you arnt ready for sex yet!
All women are different in what they like, you wont know what she likes until you do it.
This isnt a question that can be answered by anyone apart from her.
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