A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:This is a really long problem. started seeing this guy 6 years ago whilst still married with 2 young kids. Ended up falling in love and moved in with him. As my husband threatened me with all sorts of nasty things i.e. kidnapping the kids, turning them against me etc. (he managed to steal our first child from me and sent him to his mum to look after, so i rarely see him) i was always too scared to divorce and, tho living with my new partner, kept my husband happy by having a fair amount of contact and not being strong with him. this led to loads of fights between me and new partner, some of them fairly nasty. We split up many times. Twice i kicked him out and several times he left, but we always got back together cos the love was really strong. financially we were not doing well and when i asked my husband for money to pay for the childrens needs, my partner got furious and never let me forget it. we continually fought cos he found out i had contact with my husband (always regarding children welfars only), which he thought was disloyal, so he decided i was a very bad liar and quizzed me about everything. this ended up making me hide lots of things from him cos it was easier, but these got found out and the situation got worse. in the end, i walked out on him in a very bad way. i didnt tell him, just packed our things and moved to a new place. i was so miserable. hadnt had a rest or holiday of any kind for 6 years so, as my husband was taking kids away he invited me along with them and his girlfriend. stupidly i went. eventually started missing my ex partner. We got in touch and started seeing each other again, but only every so often. i started falling in love all over again and new he felt the same, but told him i didnt know what to do cos my kids were scared of him. in the end he got a new girlfriend but told me he still wanted me. i told him about the holiday and he now thinks he cant forgive me. however, altho he is still with his new girlfirned he kept calling me and telling me i am the love of his life and maybe he can forgive me in a few months but i must get divorced for there to be any chance (i am in the process of this, finally). then he came round and told me not to contact him cos it upsets his girlfriend, but he still tells me he loves me and missesd me, but cant forgive me. he reckons he shouldnt be with this girl while he still has feelings for me. he tells me all sorts of loving things and that i am a hard act to follow and no girl will measure up to me, and then said he will call me every so often but i musnt tell his girlfriend what we discuss, she thinks we are just talking about my kids. the other day he called me again and said that i was still the best lover he has ever had and he wishes i hadnt gone away with my husband, etc and that i can wait for him for 6 months but he cant guarantee he wont have moved on. When I tell him that maybe we should forget it and I should get on with my life and he his, he gets angry and asks why i want to hurt him even more? What is his game? is he genuine that he needs time to get over his hurt and doesnt know if he can. Why does he tell me he doubts he will, but still doesn't want me to move on? Am totally confused. Help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, The old Man?  +, writes (28 January 2009):
 He wants to keep you on the side line in case things don't work out with his new girl.
What you did was wrong all the way around. But, he is using that as an excuse to keep you in the position of feeling that you need to make things up to him.
If the two of you get back together again, he will have the option to hold your actions over your head, in turn, you will be at his mercy.
It sounds like you have a pretty full plate with a divorce and kids. Stop playing games with the other guy, get your own life in order. Deal with you children and their well being. You'll have plenty of time later once you are truly free and single to find a new man.
If you meet someone by cheating, chances are good that you will lose them by cheating. Also, if someone will cheat with you, they will have no problem cheating on you!
Joe~
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