A
female
age
51-59,
*eatherglass
writes:dear cupid,my boyfriend and i have been together six months and at first, he explained that he left his wife because there was no sexual attraction anymore, that she had gained a lot of weight, didn't care about herself, and as a result, when they did have sex, he would have trouble "getting it up", so he gave up on the whole thing aNd would spend most of his time purposely avoiding the issue and doing things like staying in his music studio playing guitar all night until after she went to bed. we didn't have a lot of sex ever, but he had some trouble even in the beginning staying hard and having an orgasm. although he said that after several attempts prior to me at one-night-stands, i was the first woman to give him the sexual satisfaction he needed. again, we never had much sex (in beginning once every other day or so), but now it is once every two weeks (if i am lucky). He is 42 and i am 38 and i desire him so much. we have fought a lot lately, particularly over him watching porn because once he gets off, he won't want sex for such a length of time that if he gets off by himself, then i am basically waiting for sex for four weeks. he tells me that he is still very sexually attracted to me (that i am being rediculous), but i just don't understand. He now spends a lot of late nights after i am in bed (so we don't go to bed at same time and i am asleep when he does come to bed) in hi music room). when we do have sex, if he is not watching porn (and even sometime then), he cannot either get hard or stay hard. what do you think the problem is?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 Porn is not the problem(only the symptom) He may have a medical problem(see urology)But if he sees no problem and checks out OK with doctors, then it's a moot point. PS there is no "Normal amount of sex" There's more of it in youth than in older years but that's because of the female more than the male.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 June 2010):
 I agree that porn addiction may be the problem here. Somehow I didn't note that he was using porn when attempting sex with you. That is indeed a very bad sign. But considering his age lowering testosterone levels could easily cause lowered sex drive as well. I guess the next question is how much is he hiding from you. If he is only using porn once every 2 weeks, would that really be an addiction? Still considering his past a Counselor may be as important as a doctor.
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): That's a lot of good advice, you unfortunately for you YI hope it's not true) it sounds just like my ex. The lack of sex, the stories about the ex, the age, basically every thing and he was a porn addict. Porn addiction affects men's ability to sustain a normal sexual relationship with their partner. If he does have this problem, he will resist engaging in sensual massages, sexy outfits won't do a thing for him and getting rid of all stress in his life won't make a difference. Visit this site....npsupport.net....you will find a lot of information there and a lot of similar stories. If this is his problem, and I'm not saying it is, only the two of you will be able to figure that out...if it is, run, don't walk away, you will save yourself years of grief.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 June 2010):
 At first I thought this was a problem with erectile dysfunction or something, however, after reading the last part of your question I'm guessing he may have a porn addiction. You say he spends a lot of time in his music room before bed. What is he doing there? Could he be watching porn? If he was truly having a problem with ED, he wouldn't only stay hard when there's porn, he would be able to get hard other times or not at all. If you guys have been fighting over this, there's probably a reason. Porn is a problem when he chooses porn over his partner or is incapable of enjoying sex without porn, which is what's happening here. He may need some professional help with his addiction. Unfortunately for you, he won't go or be able to work through this until he thinks he has a problem, and clearly he doesn't. I'm guessing this contributed to the problem of his break-up with his wife, not that she became unattractive. Or at least not until he started watching a lot of porn, which in an addict can and will raise his expectations of women (not always, but most times in an addict). Other than trying to talk rationally (without fighting or yelling) I'm not sure what you can do other than find someone else who isn't addicted.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 June 2010):
Hi Heather, 40 is not to young to begin having problems with erectile dysfunction. There may be some help from a doctor on that.
It is interesting that your title says "what is the normal amount?" We never use the word normal when we talk about sex because there is simply such a wide variety of human sexual patterns. What is normal to one is starving or exhausting to another. We call your problem unequal sex drives. It can be very hard on a relationship.
You Boyfriend seem to have gotten into some bad habits. He avoids sex if he is unsure of himself. He seems to have some trouble getting his interest up. He probably uses the porn as a crutch to convince himself that he can still do it. All of this and your pleading/begging/demanding are making him stressed. Stress is the biggest erection killer of them all.
I have some suggestions. First go see a doctor, get his blood pressure and blood sugar checked. Also get some free samples of Cialis. Next, Sex doesn't always have to be penetrative intercourse. Try some other things, don't get upset if he doesn't get an erection, make sure you let him know that the time with him is the important part. Help remove the stress from his life. An hours massage is a surefire passion igniter for many people. Go down to that bath store at the Mall and get the massage oil in the aromatherapy section that says sensual (there are two flavors to chose from). They also have some called relax. And last, make sure you take an interest in his hobbies, that always is a turn on for guys.
One important thing that is tricky, you need to do it without stressing him more. You need to get the message across to him that you are not getting enough. That it is not smart to think that you will remain faithful when your needs are ignored. I know that sounds mean, the trick is to say it so he doesn't feel attacked, so it is a problem in the relationship that you can solve together.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): Blaming his ex wife for his impotence isnt fair. He needs a check up to make sure there are no underlying health problems affecting his ability to get and maintain an erection. Hiding in his music room wont achieve anything. It will eventually put you off him altogether. Watching porn while hes having sex with you, so he can become aroused is frankly insulting. He must be having tremendous difficulties if even the combination of a warm, loving woman in his arms AND porn cant always do the trick. Have a word with him and tell him its just not good enough and he needs to seek help. His ex might have been treated the same way and THATS why she gave up on herself. Dont let him treat you the same way too. Its his problem. Make him deal with it x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Well i dont know when people get a little older if there sex drive goes down but when i had a boyfriend we were having at least once a day and oral at least twice.
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