A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 3 1/2 weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me. We had both become stressed from living with my parents, working, going to school, and raising our young son. The relationship unraveled. She says she loves me emotionally but not physically. She says there is no spark.In the past couple of days she has changed her mind. She is now interested in us getting back together but wants to start things out slowly. Basically we go back to dating and see if we can find that "spark" again.She still lives with me and we share a bed. She is about to move out with a friend who has a kid.So now I get to the problem. During this 3 1/2 week period where we were separated she was going out to dance clubs with her friends more than usual. I was watching our son during these times. She was also going to work and school hours earlier than she normally did and would often stay later after work. It had all of the classic signs of cheating except for the part where we weren't together.I became suspicious of her behavior and found out from some other people that she was seeing somebody. One week ago I asked her if she was seeing somebody. She told me no. She said that she was mad at men and not even thinking about getting into a relationship.Through out this time we have both been open about our feelings about our relationship. During one of these open sessions she posed a hypothetical question, "Can you like more than one person at the same time?" I told I thought it was possible. But then I probed. I asked her if she was talking about herself. She admitted yes. She told me that it was nothing serious. She said it was just talking and not going to go much further. As it turns out the guy is married. He said he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted a divorce from his wife. She told me that it wasn't going to anywhere. I told her that I was hurt that she lied to me about it. She said she cares about me and didn't want to hurt my feelings.A few days ago I come home from my night class and she is visibly upset. She tells me that she is having second thoughts about everything. I comfort her the best that I can. From a source very close to her I find out that about an hour before I came home that the other guy told her that he was going to give his marriage another try and could no longer see her. She was supposed to spend the night at a friends house but around 4:00 am she comes home and is crying. She says she is lost and doesn't know what to do with her life. She said that she wants to give our relationship another chance.So finally today we talk some more about the other guy. She was getting ready for work and said that she had to pretty herself up for the guy that dumped her. She had never mentioned she worked with the guy, that made me feel real great. I then asked why she felt like she needed to look extra good today. I implied that it sounded like she was trying to get him to regret his decision. She said that was not the case. In her explanation for why she was doing it she basically gave me the reason I had said before. I asked her if she was upset that he broke things off with her. She grudgingly confirmed. I then wanted to know if I was the fall back guy because the same night that he breaks up with her she decides to get back with me. She said that what happened made her rethink everything. After some more questioning I figured out that she really wanted him to leave his wife. So basically, if she had the choice she would rather be with him.The final part of this story is that I asked her if she had sexual relations with this man. She has HPV and now so do I because I wasn't thinking with my brain at the time. I didn't find this out for a long time. If not for some medical problems that came up she wouldn't have told me. So this time I wanted to know what I was getting into. Her first response was "Why do you need to know that?" She became really defensive about it and stormed off. I then did something I'm not proud of. I checked her text messages. She sent a message minutes after our conversation to one of her friends. She wanted to know how she should respond to my question. So it turned out she did have sexual relations with the guy. She hasn't admitted it yet so I don't know to what extent.I love her. I really want this to work. I never wanted us to break up in the first place. I think that we let our environment and circumstances get to us. I acknowledge I made mistakes and I am trying to rectify those.What I want to know is should I give this another shot? Do I have the right to know if she had sex with this guy? This all happened in less than a month while she was still living with me and sleeping in the same bed. She lied to me about the seriousness of the relationship. She was also going out to these dance clubs with him while I was watching our son. She said that her relationship with him started after we broke up. I want to believe her but she has repeatedly lied to me about this relationship.
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broke up, divorce, her ex, period, spark, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 October 2008):
If you love her and want to be with her then you have to let this go, and move on. It's all in the past so can't be changed so it doesn't matter.
Move on from this if both of you want to.
You were broken up, she didn't cheat, she was having issues and what she did to get over them.
Good Luck!! xx
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