A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife since university and married for the last 3yrs. She recently worked in Africa for 4mths and since coming back i eventually noticed a lack of affection towards me. I decided to test this by not kissing, hugging, snuggle up or even hold hands with her. In bed i just waited for some kind of contact. I lasted for nearly 3wks before it became unbearable and told her that she had barely touched me.She still shows no desire or signs of affection towards me. It has been very difficult to get her to talk to me about this but last night we spoke again and she told me that she hadn't missed me when she was away and she now feels like running away. She has told me she is not sure she wants to be with me but there is not another person involved.Things are bad at the moment and i don't want to lose her but i don't want her to be unhappy. What should i do? I don't understand what has changed. If anyone has any similar experiences I would be glad to hear.
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male
reader, gogland  +, writes (12 October 2007):
 If anything, your three weeks of testing DAMAGED thing in the relationship even worse. Think, she is there with you, and you are WITHDRAWING yourself.
It's up to you to make things work again. You have to figure out if YOU still want to be with her after she's shown this lack of affection towards you. If you still want to be with her, SHOW her that you want to be with her instead of DEMANDING that she decide. If you don't want to be with someone who isn't showing you the affection you desire, decide if you can still be her friend and tell her straight up that YOU CANNOT be with someone who is not affectionate with her partner, therefore YOU CANNOT be with her.
If you're not willing to risk the relationship over a problem such as this, then you've already lost the relationship completely.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): If you have only noticed this change in her since she has come back, then is it safe to say she was completely different with you before she left? Was she more affectionate...more loving before she went away? Was she in contact regularily while she was away? What was the tone of her communications? Two possibilities here.
1) my first instinct was that there was a possible love interest, while she was away. It might not even be someone she had an affair with-it could be someone she worked with and established a bond of friendship to. The other person may not even know she feels this way. Or it could be
2) was it very likely that your marriage had some 'past, long ago"issues that your wife has failed to discuss with you, before she left for Africa? Had her time away gave her the break to rethink and maybe she doesn't know how to bring something up, that clearly needs to be said?
You have to investigate further. This is your marriage. If you're going to stay in it, you need to invite your wife to begin talking openly and honestly, with you on a more intimate level. If you don't know how to do this, then get some professional help. But one thing is for certain. You both need to reconnect emotionally, and once that is done, then you can deal with th underlying feelings that caused her intimate diversions from you, when she got home. Y ou both have to build the bond and the trust again. Don't put the issue of your hurt and pain, first. I would sit her down and ask her why and tell you at least deserve a more plausible explanantion. Maybe once, she can come clean with...you both can decide which direction this marriage will go. Good luck dear and I hope you find out what is on her mind...you truely deserve to know, don't you. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): say to her:
'do you want to go, or stay. i will support you, you just need to tell me.'
she will most likey here give you the truth, i mean, you can try chasing afte her, but this may not work. if she loves you then love her back. either way, you oboth need to agree.
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A
female
reader, Titania70 +, writes (12 October 2007):
Thing is, none of us are good at guessing what the other person thinks. It is her responsibility to look inside herself and find out the real reason why she feels like this now. You can keep wondering until you get blue in the face but that's not going to make you any wiser...ask her whether there could be something you need to improve about yourself that turns her off right now. Encourage her to be honest and explain that you will be able to take it. Then take the truth and deal with it. 9 out of 10 times you can do something to improve the situation. All you need is honesty from her part. Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (12 October 2007):
I think she is lying about there being no one else. You need to start all over dating and wooing her again.
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