A
female
age
36-40,
*_very_hurt_girl
writes:I just recently started seeing a guy but I'm abit confused about what he wants. Both of us have had a long term relationship where we were very deeply hurt and in his case it was a matter of the girl leaving him not because she had to but she was forced too. It's been two years since his been without his ex and a year for me without mine.He's a White Christian and I'm Asian Muslim. I've told him that it doesn't really bother me about race, religion etc and he says he feels the same way too. His ex was also Asian Muslim.When we initially started seeing each other, he told me he wanted something "easy going" so I asked him to define that and he said "something that doesn't stress me out." He seemed concerned about having his own space and being able to see his friends and not being tied to the hips by his girlfriend. And to me that seemed reasonable, I need that too and I don't want a puppy dog.However, as time has gone on...I can't stop thinking about things. It's been a month since we started seeing each other and I just feel like I'm there for his physical needs. Whenever we are together, he never wants to talk, he just jumps on top of me and starts getting physical. For the first couple of times, I've noticed that and I gave into it because I enjoy it but as time went on I've realised he doesn't talk at all unless I talk and all he wants to do is just get physical.It's not just that. I never hear from him. He never wants to talk on the phone and we only meet as long as it suits him and he hasn't got something planned with his friends. If he has then it's tough luck for me or if they cancel then I can see him. That is something else I don't like. Recently, I went to his work place for lunch and he didn't want to be seen with me! He tried to blame it on my brother incase he saw us together (he works in the same building as my brother) and I said that's not a problem for me so it shouldn't be for him. He tried other excuses and when that didn't work, he gave in.As I left him, I kissed him and he didn't like it and I asked him about it, he said he was worried but then he'll dicuss it later. When we did, it was because his ex had drummed into him that it's not allowed to do that (with him being White and her Asian) even though I don't have an issue with it. I didn't know what to say to that so I apologised and said I won't do it again but I just felt there was more to it, like his embarrassed of me or that I'm just abit of fun so he doesn't want people to think we are together. He also said because people at his work place will talk and he doesn't want people nosying in his business.About two weeks since I've started seeing him, I spoke to him about it and he said he doesn't want to think of me as a girlfriend as it stresses him out! I agreed to take it slowly and I told him I won't be happy about him seeing other girls whilst he's seeing me to which he said he wouldn't do. I also made it clear that whilst I'm not his gf yet, I am looking for something long term and not just fun.I've spoken about this already so I don't want to keep going on about it incase he thinks I'm something clingy or moving too fast... but I just don't feel I know where I stand.Now I'm confused because I'm not sure what he wants:- what does easy going mean? My friends said he's just playing me!- Am I just abit of fun or will he see as someone he'd like to be with long term in the future?- Is he seeing other girls?- Is he still in love with his ex, two years on? (He says his not!)- What exactly does he want?- If he doesn't see me as a girlfriend, what am I to him?- Will the issues he had with his ex always get between us?I really want to know now because I don't want to be hurt again. If he doesn't want to be with me long term, it should be fair I know now. I just feel so confused.
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reader, a_very_hurt_girl +, writes (25 August 2008):
a_very_hurt_girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks for your responses. Maybe I wasn't clear but he said he wants long term too. But he said he wants to start off easy going but whoever she is, to make it long term eventually. He wants to get married by next year and he's been with me for a month.
This is why I feel confused because he has told me all this yet I just feel like I'm abit of physical on the side. I wouldn't have agreed to easy going if I knew it was just an FWB. I made it clear that's not what I'm after.
Also, I haven't had full on sex with him yet. Just dry sex and he's been oral on me but not the other way around. I feel confused, cos a month on he's still around and he knows I won't have sex with him until another year or so yet I feel that's all his after....
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (24 August 2008):
 I agree with oldersister in that this man told you what he wanted...a casual relationship. You wanted more but he never agreed to give that to you. He does not respect you beyond the FWB and he will never look to you to be a long term girlfriend.
Sometimes when people enter into these kind of relationships due to timing, they can work into longer term relationships but that is rare and the fact that this guy has remained fairly consistent about being aloof AND the fact that he has not invested anything in an emotional relationship with you (only a physical one) I would say that he will never see you in that way.
If you truly want more, then you need to quit this FWB arrangement and find it. But listen to what the guy is telling you he wants.
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