A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were constantly getting in fights about him watching porn. In the end it wasn't so much that he was watching porn that bothered me but the fact that he disrespected how I felt about it and wouldn't stop. But before that, for a long time I was so desperate to get over something that just plain bothered me that I went to the internet to look for help and found that a lot of women don't like it either. I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. I have a question about what most people would consider porn though. My ex boyfriend liked looking up nude pictures. I believe that is porn but he said it wasn't because he wasn't looking up people having sex. I hear arguments for porn that say men use it because they are more visual and don't necessarily imagine themselves with the girl, they just like to see the act of something sexual happening. Would that be the same case if a guy is looking at a picture of one naked girl or maybe even several but they weren't actually having sex? I would think they'd have to imagine themselves with that girl to get off right?
View related questions:
my ex, nude pictures, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Are classic paintings and sculptures in museums porn? Because they are of naked women, you know.I guess its up to you how you want to define it. If he uses it to get off then it is porn.I don't think he is imagining that he's having sex with the woman in the porn pic or vid. I think he imagines the sensations the guy in the porn vid is having while having sex with the woman, but that doesn't mean he is imagining that he is having sex with that woman himself. It is just voyeuristic. I mean if you were in a hotel and saw through the window into someone else's hotel room and saw two attractive looking people having sex it would arouse you wouldn't it? But not necessarily because you imagine you are the woman with that guy. Just seeing other people have sex, causes sexual arousal in both men and women.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 January 2013):
 OP, I personally don't consider tasteful nudes to be porn.
Now Hustler and penthouse and the old fashioned split beaver shots... yeah maybe.
As for how I feel about porn... I have no problem with regular porn. I do not like violent porn or rape fantasy porn or anything involving snuff or scat or golden showers etc...
AND while I don't mind porn, I can respect and understand your dislike and your feelings that your former partner did not respect your desires in order to fulfill his own needs.
It's my belief that there are enough men out there that don't like to watch porn and enough women out there that don't mind men who watch porn, that those that watch porn should be with those that don't mind and vice versa.
The sad part is that PEOPLE will LIE in the beginning to make themselves sound like they do what the person they like wants them to do and I think the biggest issue is that many men lie that they don't watch porn and many women lie that it does not bother them. Both lies are wrong. but sadly I find more women dislike porn use than men who dislike it. So the numbers are not even.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): I don't like when I have had a boyfriend interested in porn but it is especially bad when they have a favourite and a fantasy you can't fufuil ie. milfs. There is a difference between liking random videos and not paying much attention to the actresses and actually buying porn and knowing the names and having favourites. I know a man who lives with a woman and burns porn to dvds his girlfriend isn't the slightest bit bothered. Quite alot of women don't like their boyfriends using porn.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee honestly it kind of annoys me when women say "it doesn't bother me. I don't think its cheating and I look at porn. Other women shouldn't be bothered by it". It's that kind of thinking that made me stay in a relationship longer than I should have because I thought I was just being insecure when really and I can't really explain why but I just felt that what he was doing was wrong. Just because you're a woman and you look at porn does not mean it shouldn't be a big deal for other people. Just the fact that so many people have questions on this issue proves that there isn't really a right or wrong answer. It depends on you and I think there are arguments for both sides but don't think you're right just because so many men look at porn and YOU look at porn.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses. We've already broken up. I guess it was still kind of bothering me because porn seems to be a normal thing for so many people. Believe me, he had a lot of other ridiculous excuses but I won't write them all down. It'd take too long. I was, actually probably still am, a little worried that I'll never meet a guy who is compatible with me on this issue just because so many guys see it as their "right".
I understand there is a lot of "sexually stimulating" advertisements, images, movies, you name it, out there that I have no control over. It would be just as ridiculous as his excuses for me to say he couldn't watch anything higher than a PG rated movie for fear that he might see a pair of someone else tits on there or for me to expect him not to look when an attractive woman walks by as long as he wasn't making a huge show about it. I mean, I would check out a cute guy if he walked by.
What he was doing was wrong because he had no respect for what was bothering me and now I realize we were just incompatible but now I know that I was in the right when I told him those images are porn. I will use your responses to help me find someone who is compatible with me in the future. Thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): If he is looking at the pictures solo for sexual stimulation and masturbating to them, then yes, it's wrong if both parties in ther relationship to not approve of this behavior.
Poster below copied the definition of porn...spelled out exactly. Enough said on that.
When you (in general) are in love with someone and that someone is against having porn involved in your relationship, then it needs to stop. If you cannot stop, have to hide it, sneek around about it, deny it, it's not an honest relationship and you should remove yourself and find a partner who is accepting of your behavior.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): It depends on the context of the nude pictures OP and porn is a matter of opinion, there is no set definition.
A woman spreading her legs with a dildo in her snatch is porn to me. A paparazzi photo of some starlet topless at a beach is not.
By the same vain a fully clothed woman in a picture sexually stimulating herself is porn whereas a nude picture of a woman in an artsy erotic pose is not. Or a woman in a regular movie in a sex scene is not porn either, yet a porn actress doing the exact same thing in a blue movie is.
A picture of your nude baby in the bath is not porn, but if someone else has that picture it is.
See it's all taste, what matters here is to you those pictures were porn and you found them unacceptable. There are people that think nudity of any form is the work of satan and indecent.
Look you can see the definition as defined in the dictionary by Youwish, you can see how flawed a definition that is. I can be sexually aroused just looking at a fully clothed woman doing something menial like reading a book, it can be intended as sexual too if she displays the right facial expression, is that then porn because it stimulates me or because that to me is erotic? I mean look at the album cover of any female singer these days and that is without doubt intended to be sexually stimulating, is that then porn? What about all the ads, all the pictures in papers or even just a woman in a skirt walking down the street showing her legs, are they all pornographic too? You really think that woman isn't showing her legs off on purpose to sexually entice?
I don't consider nude pictures porn, unless she has her legs open like in playboy. But then again what does that make Taylor Swift then seeing as she too tries to sexually entice?
I mean by the definition this is porn is not?
http://hinterlandgazette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/newsweek-magazine-cover-sexually-suggestive.jpg
Is it not okay to look at this picture because it conjures the image of oral sex?
Look my point is make your own rules about this and what is acceptable to you but do not try to impose them on us guys, it won't work. While not all of us like porn, videos of sex or pics of women masturbating, I challenge any woman to find a hetero guy who doesn't like looking at naked boobs from time to time. just one guy. Find me one guy who doesn't see a link to pictures of say Jessica Alba in bikini and doesn't click on it.
My point is OP, you may not like him looking at nude pics but we're doing the exact same thing when we see a hot girl on the street, or a picture of Jessica Alba in a bikini or a sex scene in a movie, or pictures of sister in a low cut top on Facebook.
We think women are beautiful, we love to look at them and I honestly have never in my life met a guy who stopped noticing other women while in a relationship or stopped appreciating tits just because his girlfriend didn't like the idea. Just because you a find guy who won't use porn, doesn't mean you'll ever find a guy who stops finding women in general attractive or is going to turn away in disgust at a pair of tits he sees in a movie or online.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): Lol. It is called softcore, he's still getting off on something that isn't you . Hardcore is shots of genitals and people having sex where genitals are shown.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): I think you may be right thinking that if he is watching porn it's because he doesn't see you voluptous or erotic enough so he may end up leaving you in the future when he grows up and matures as a man. So he's probably not that into you.
I think your relationship is not one of equals and you would probably be better off finding someone more compatible that would take your wants seriously because he wants to please you and respect you enough to tell you the truth instead of lies about how pictures are not porn. I WISH made an incredible argument about how ludicrous his statements are in that respect.
You know how you feel about the issue so decide accordingly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): i've never understood this issue. hell, i watch porn myself, and i'm a woman. i see no reason to get mad AT ALL. it's not cheating and it doesn't mean they are wishing their partner was the other person. and it certainly doesn't mean they are viewing you as that person while having sex. it just means that men have high sex drives and they want to watch something to turn them on so that they can get off. that's it. it's just a release. i really do wish that women would calm down about this stuff sometimes.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 January 2013):
It really just has to do with stimulation. Viewing naked pics is about the easiest form of stimulus in the modern world.
Google: boobs. Click link. Stimulated.
It requires virtually no effort and there is a "reward" in the form of some sort of chemical released into the brain that I don't quite understand.
There are plenty of other forms but none so simple as naked pictures. I don't consider them porn myself, and I agree with most of what you said about men not imagining themselves with the women.
I also agree that the issue isn't so much about porn itself but about respect for your partner. That being said it goes both ways. Women want to control their man, men don't like being controlled.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2013):
 BWAHAHAHAAAAA!
That is absolutely hysterical! I almost spit my water onto my monitor! This guy must be frightfully young if he tried the whole "looking at nude pics is not porn" thing on you. I guess Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, and a massive amount of magazines who caused millions of sperm ejections pre-internet and pre-TV weren't porn, eh?
Okay, all humor aside, because I know this really bothers you, here is the Miriam-Webster definition of porn:
por·nog·ra·phy noun \-fe\
1 the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
2 material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
3 the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction the pornography of violence
As you can see, if it's intended to arouse a physical and sexual response, it's PORN. This means pictures, magazines, erotic stories, videos, webcams, etc, then it's porn.
Unless his nude picture is a postcard of Michelango's David, he's got porn, and don't let him tell you any differently.
That being said, you've hit an issue of compatibility with him. You now must decide whether or not you accept his porn use or not. If you don't, then he is incompatible for you and you should let him go.
To answer your question about him envisioning sex with the girl, it's not quite like that. Men are visually stimulated, and while they may use a woman's body to stimulate their sexual response, it's not like they're comparing them to you or that they like you any less.
You have to be compatible with a guy in this issue. It's like drinking, if you did and he didn't, he'd have no right to make you stop drinking if you're of legal age to do so, and it hadn't evolved into addiction. Same with vegetarianism..if you eat meat or fish, it wouldn't be right for him to pressure you to stop eating it.
Bottom line, it's a compatibility issue like I said before. Not all men use porn, and even in porn using men, there are wide varieties of usage practices. And there are porn addicts just like there are alcoholics, so there is such a thing as "too much".
Good luck.
...............................
|
