A
male
age
41-50,
*ku
writes:Hello everybody, I need some help with my current situation. I have gone on 5 dates with this woman over the last two months. She is a mother of two and has been divorced for a year, the marriage lasted 8 years. (Not sure if it is relevant)So here is the deal. We had a big discussion recently about where things may be going. In this conversation she listed all the things she likes about me and how she finds me attractive, but cannot get past the "friends phase." Obviously I was disappointed since I love spending time with her. She then says, "I'm sorry I don't feel that way yet..." and then says she would like to keep going out because she still wants to get to know me.Please help me interpret the situation, because I have absolutely no idea what to make of the situation. I have been thrown in the "friend zone" more times than I care to admit, but in this case the whole desire to keep seeing me, the fact that she feels the need to tell me how attractive she finds me and what she likes about me, and the "I don't feel that way about you yet..." phrasing is really throwing me.
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female
reader, cat lady +, writes (1 January 2011):
 Well, aku, you can reassure your lady friend that most good relationships do NOT start with an instant spark. They take time to develop. There have many successful marriages begun with two people who could barely stand the sight of each other at the beginnings of their acquaintance. You should always watch out for relationships that go too smoothly right from the start because that generally means that one or both of the partners are not being honest.
A
male
reader, aku +, writes (28 December 2010):
aku is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. I should probably clarify and point out that I am not pushing/pressuring her in any way. The discussion I mentioned was instigated by her and all of that stuff that is throwing me was given to me with no prompting. I agree that we are essentially still strangers. She brought it up because she feels bad that she doesn't feel that way about me yet and does not know if it is normal for there to not be that instant spark from the start.
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A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (28 December 2010):
A year from a divorce may seem a long time to you but it isn't very much. Yes, the 8 year marriage is relevant. You've had only five dates and you want that lady to hurry up and decide whether or not she wants to marry you? Or jump in bed with you for a hot affair? Or what? It's fine to tell her how much you like her and show your affection in pretty ways but you need more time to know each other better. A few dates means you're still strangers.Trust me on this: if that lady has the least glimmer of character and self-respect, she will heartily resent being pressured into intimacy, or into anything else by anyone at all. If you truly admire her, you must respect first of all, her privacy of person and her responsibilities as a mother, for she must take her role as a mother into account even if you do not. Her children are not an afterthought; they are her first concern.Don't be in such a hurry and don't think being a friend is not enough. It might be your fate to have many lovers and many heartbreaks but your friends are always there and can become the most important thing you have in life - but of course, only a bit more age will show you that. Have faith in yourself and your own qualities. You don't have to try to convince someone to love you. It'll come on its own.
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