A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friend has been really difficult and I don't know how to deal with it or if it's even worth it. She's been having a hard time the last couple of years and the things we both went through in life is what made us bond in the first place, as much as we differ from each other in personality. However, our situations have been changing over the past months, mine slightly for the better, whereas hers has gotten a lot worse. She lost her dad last summer, which absolutely wrecked her, because he was her rock. I was there for her when she needed me(when she let me, that is).Anyway, ever since graduating university last summer, she hasn't been able to find a job in the field she wants. And that field is filmmaking. Her final goal is to work her way up in Hollywood to become a director. Anyway, she keeps getting rejected because she's not experienced enough. Combined with the loss of her father and all the things that came with it, it's been really getting her down.I tried to tell her to hang in there, that the reason it's tough is because there's just so much competition, but she keeps being negative about it. Today I got a message from her saying she's looking into working in other countries, "since nobody here wants me". I replied asking which companies she was looking into and that I hoped she would have better luck with them.She then replied that she doesn't expect anything to pan out. I didn't know what to do with that so I said: "We'll see, who knows, maybe it does." And she went on about how optimism only led to disappointment and that this is what life taught her. I tried to reason that life taught me pessimism can be a trap of its own. She told me off, saying "You don't know what you're talking about. Don't tell me about what pessimism can do when you have a job."I don't get angry easily, but this has been the upteenth time she has told me off about something because according to her I don't have enough "experience points" to justify having an opinion. I used to work nightshifts on full time course days to keep my head above water. In the summer, when I couldn't find a job, I resorted to having medicine tested on me for money. I got a lot of side effects from it that took a long time to fade. All my savings money went to my family so we wouldn't end up on the streets after my dad lost his job to a heart attack and my mom got paralyzed from the neck down. For the first time in my life, I don't have to live from paycheck to paycheck and juggle loans to make ends meet.It's not my dream job, but I have already tried chasing my dream (becoming a pilot) and got permanently rejected because of a health problem that makes taking me on a considerable risk over time. I'm the only 'healthy' person in my family. She knows all this about me. So I told her that just because for the first time in my life I have a shot at a steady job, it doesn't mean I don't know what a setback feels like, including that of not being able to achieve your dreams. I also told her this isn't a competition of who-has-the-shittier-life, because I'm pretty sure there are thousands of refugees who can 'trump' us and then some. I told her that I want her to get where she wants to go and that I was afraid her self proclaimed realistic attitude was hindering her more than it was helping her.She replied after 15 minutes, saying the chance of me getting my pilot dream job was small anyway, and that I knew this, and that her situation is entirely different and I don't know anything about it. At that time I was quite done with the whole discussion and just told her "fine, whatever" and left it at that.I just don't know what to do when she gets in a mood like this. Whenever I get on 'her' turf, be it anything concerning film, photography or in some cases life hardship, she gets really snippy with me because she obviously doesn't consider me an equal in those areas. For example: before her dad died she needed to make a film short and she was out of ideas. I supplied an idea and she asked my help filming it, during which she criticized every single thing I did. When she got stuck she wasn't open to any ideas on how to do things differently either because I "obviously don't have an eye for what looks good on camera". I mean fine, but why ask me if you're not going to accept my help or consider my advice. I stuck it out but told her to find someone else next time. It's little things as well, like me sharing my excitement about a movie I saw (the latest Mad Max installment) and she angrily exclaiming it was the worst film she'd seen in years and that another film student (this one wants to be a hollywood screenwriter) agrees with her, in a tone that implied that they were right and I was wrong.The frustrating thing is that when we DO get on, we have a great time. It's just that moments like the ones mentioned above make it really hard for me to keep being her friend. I don't pretend to know what it's like to lose a parent. I imagine it's devastating. But I just don't get what all this negativity is going to get her. I do want to keep supporting her but I don't know how long I can if she keeps treating me this way. Am I overreacting? What would you do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I am glad to hear it, put yourself first, nobody should ever put another person down and when they do they are not a friend but someone who is jealous of what you have. You are doing the right thing moving on. Go out and meet new people, hopefully you will make some great new friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for putting up with me aunt honesty.
You're right, she's not a good friend. Real friends would be happy to see the other do well. A real friend wouldn't put you down when you're trying to support them. I'm far from perfect but I don't deserve this kind of treatment. And I'm done putting up with it.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 March 2016):
Again I don't think she needs to be in your life. She is not being a friend, the best thing for you to do is block her number and find new friends who are kind to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, in a new turn of events, she called me up yesterday. It was a disaster.
After some small talk about her plans in London, where she made some pessimistic comments, I broached the subject of her negativity. She threw the same “optimism is for idiots” stuff at me, the same “you don’t know anything” speech because she’s struggling more in finding a job than I am.
We basically got into the same argument we had two months ago.
She told me she didn’t need or want my "pep talks" or support and I asked her what kind of response she was expecting from me when she sends me these negative messages. She then angrily exclaimed she doesn’t care if I reply to her messages. Exasperated, I said: “Then why send them in the first place? I don't need that kind of negativity if I'm not allowed to try to make it better.”
Well, that didn’t go over well either, and every time I tried to interject she just cut me off. At one point I just said: “If this is how it’s going to be, I’m done.”
Well, that was the first thing I said she agreed with and she said something about how she had enough on her plate and that she didn’t need comments from someone who was “emotionally superficial”, “devoid of passion” because she was a person with “real” meaningful feelings and aspirations.
Well, at that point I’d just about reached the limit of my patience, so I said: “Look, I genuinely hope you find whatever you’re looking for in London. But just because you’ve had a shitty time doesn’t give you the right to lash out to your friends. That’s not what we’re here for.” She started shouting at me again and I….disconnected the call and turned off the phone.
I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I’ve had enough. She’s obviously in a very bad place she can’t get out of on her own, but I don’t want to be her verbal punching bag. Thoughts are welcome, as always.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): Wow, I'm sorry to say this but your friend seems terrible. I agree with aunt honesty, don't waste more precious time on her with a reply. I'd throw her off Facebook too or at least unfollow her so you don't get alerts anymore. out of sight out of mind.As for her brand new life in London, the reason she doesn't reply to those comments is probably because she doesn't have a job. Outsiders don't get hired in london in the film industry unless they have a seriously impressive resume, which, judging from your posts, she doesn't have. She's hoping that moving there will put her on the map. Like some fairy-tale. Well, I've lived and worked in London myself and it's very expensive. You don't get anything handed to you and as with every huge city, it's hard to make friends if you have no pre-established network. So don't be surprised if after months of silence you suddenly get a phonecall because she realized the grass isn't greener on the other side and *gasp* friends don't grow on trees. When that happens, do yourself a favor and don't let her back in. She doesn't deserve a friend like you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (12 March 2016):
No sweetie I don't think that you should reply. Be the bigger person here. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with you, she is hoping you will take the hint. It's sad yes, but I think you need to accept she no longer wants you in her life, it looks like she is making a fresh start with her life. I wouldn't even wish her luck, just give her what she wants and don't reply.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLatest and probably last update (dunno if anyone is still reading this, but I guess writing about it makes me feel better).
I heard nothing since I sent the card. So yesterday evening I figured: last try, if this doesn't work I'm done, but at least I'll know I gave it my best shot.
So I called her after dinner time on my new phone. She didn't pick up. I sent her a text message incase seeing an unknown number on the screen was the reason why.
"Hey Anne, this is [my name]. I've tried calling you but you didn't pick up. It's been a long time and I think we should talk things out. I hope everything is okay. Please call me back when you can."
After a few minutes I got this text message.
"I don't feel like talking right now. Not because of you, but I don't feel like talking to anybody. I just don't."
15 minutes later I got this facebook alert that she posted a new update in which she proudly presents her new plan: she's saving up to move to London this summer, for a year. She seems happy as a clam and replies to everyone's comments (except for the ones asking if she found a job there). Anyway, to me it seems like she's purposely shutting me out, but doesn't want to outright say it.
I haven't replied to her text yet and I'm not sure I will. I want to say something like: "Well, at least I tried. Good luck in London. I told you something might pan out and it looks like it did. I'm just sad that for all your talk about real friends, you forgot to be one yourself."
I don't know if that will add anything though. I'll be concentrating on genuinely good friends from now on. Anyway, don't mind my rambling. I'm just sad that 7 years of friendship just fizzles out like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I'm a wuss but I sent her a card saying I was thinking of her and hoping she's doing well, signing off with my name of course. If she doesn't react to that, I'm gonna leave it be.
If she does contact me I'm going to see if we can talk it out. If she won't accept responsibility or try to pass it off on me, I'll consider it the end of the friendship, because you guys are right: there are too many wonderful people in this world to spend your time with people who bring you down.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (22 February 2016):
I bet you miss her as she was a friend, but not a very good one. I think she needs to help herself and if you contact her she will not be getting the help she needs. Off course it is up to you which path you choose. Am not sure how you would start off that conversation. Maybe by asking her to meet for a coffee and a chat?
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (22 February 2016):
 In life you can be an optimist or a pessimist. You might as well be an optimist. The outcome overall is much better. It is a better way to live. You are nicer to be around.
If someone is being a pessimist to protect himself from disappointment then that is no way to live. Being a pessimist isn't being realistic. It is wrong thinking.
Your friend needs to find some professional help I would say to break this cycle of negativity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. It's now been a month since I had contact with my friend and I'm contemplating calling her up, but there's a part of me that wants her to make the first move, because she's the one that hurt me.
Also, to be honest I don't really know how to start the conversation if I do call her up. Do any of you have tips?
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 January 2016):
I understand that it can be hard to be blunt, especially to a friend, but you need to try, for your own sake. You need to stand up for yourself in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso thank you @aunt honesty! I only saw your reply when I posted my follow-up, sorry about that.
I don't know if I can be that blunt with her (I'm a bit of a softie, as you all may have noticed by now) but there's a first time for everything. I am definitely not planning on letting her put me down anymore though. Sometimes I think tolerating that kind of behavior encourages it, though it shouldn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to answer. And sorry for the ridiculous length of my post, but I just had to get it off my chest. Oh and also sorry for the ridiculous length of my follow-up, but most of that is because I copy and pasted our exchange at the end, for clarity. So don't worry about having to read through it all.
I especially want to thank the first female anon for giving such a long detailed answer. Really helped clear things up. And thank you for showing you can go through something as terrible as losing a parent and still have compassion for others. And being able to disagree in a respectful manner about something as trivial as movie tastes ;-)
I will keep your advice to heart and basically only encourage the positive stuff without wading knee deep in the negative stuff. I also thought she wanted me to be positive in the face of disappointments, but it's like she can't accept things like that from me because I'm not accomplished in her field. She might take it better from you though. Or Spielberg ;-P
Also, to answer a few questions:
- @denizen: I don't know if going on a holiday with her will fix anything. She rarely travels, insisting that she finds it a useless activity unless she can work at the location or make new contacts. I personally love to go on holidays to unwind, see other cultures, etc. The summers we spent together were spent that way because I usually didn't have money to go anywhere and she was staying put anyway. I can suggest it, but I'm probably going to wait a while for this to cool off first.
-- @second female anon: she has already struggled with depression in the past, and sought out therapy for it. It was one of the first things I suggested when she lost her father, to prevent her from falling back into that pit. She says she has been going, so I'll just have to trust her word on that.
- @second female anon: I know conversation doesn't always work well in text, but I usually take my time when I do it, to make sure it comes across the way I want. Sometimes texting is easier for me when communicating with her, because she can be a verbal whirlwind and just not give me the chance to say what I want to say, whereas in text she has no other option but wait until I send something back. But sure, maybe some things got lost in translation.
Our exchange was literally this:
- Her: I've been looking for a job in other countries, because obviously nobody here wants me
- Me: There's just so much competition here, I imagine a lot of people are getting rejected. Good you're also looking at other opportunities though! Did anything catch your eye yet?
- Her: No not yet. I've just been looking at different companies. I don't have a lot of faith in it tho
- Me: Just keep going, who knows, maybe you'll have more luck this time
- Her: I'm not counting on that. False optimism only leads to bigger disappointments and I've come to know all about that
- Me: Maybe, but being pessimistic might hold you back as well. I've come to know a little bit about that. At least you're trying, that's good
-Her: You don't know anything about that; you're lucky, you have a job...
so don't try to lecture me about pessimism. I am realistic. Life has taught me to be.
-Me: I am lucky in the fact I just got hired and that if I perform well, I might be able to keep my job. But don't forget I have already chased my dream, for as much I actually had a shot at it, and got permanently rejected because of something out of my control. I usually just shrug it off when someone mentions it, because it is what it is, but it was a huge disappointment for me at the time. Just because things are looking up for me now doesn't mean I don't know what a setback feels like. Maybe your life experience trumps mine, but this isn't a competition about whose-life-is-shittier, and if it was, there are thousands of refugees who have a bigger shot at claiming 1st place. I hope you keep believing in yourself and end up where you want to be. You've never been unrealistically optimistic, but I was just expressing my concern. I don't want your brand of realism to become crippling pessimism.
- Her: Hey Im not saying you never had a setback. I'm just saying I don't need any lectures from you on this subject. You becoming a pilot was very unlikely to happen anyway and you knew it. This is something entirely different, so don't compare your situation to mine. Optimism is naive and a waste of time that only ends up hurting me, so let me be realistic ok?!
-Me: fine
And that was it. I don't think much of what I said could be interpreted in a very different way? I'd like to hear your thoughts if you think differently though.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 January 2016):
Well done for being there for her and for supporting her. But something has got to give. You cannot allow her to lash out at you all the time and for her to think it is okay. She is negative about her life, although she tries to put you down further to make herself better. No friend should do this. She should raise your confidence not the other way around. She should value your opinions. She is not being a good friend to you. She is taking you for granted. You need to be honest with her, tell her you cannot keep fighting these battles, and if she doesn't change well then the friendship is over. She needs the truth. But my guess is she will be stubborn and ignore you. I am glad you have got yourself a job and you are finally in a good place in your life, am sorry you never got your dream, but at least you are living your life. I think she is jealous of you and all that you have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2016): I would give her a break for a bit. Anything you say about her attitude will result in more arguing. It genuinely sounds like she is struggling big time, perhaps with depression. Sometimes people don't realise they are depressed, because they live with the feeling for so long it becomes normal to feel that way. Perhaps you could meet face to face instead if communicating online or over messages because the tone of anything written can correct across bad. Or at least come across differently to what the writer intended it to. I know I've been annoyed over something in a text when had it been said face to face I would've realised it wasn't negative. If I were you I would meet up with her for coffee, tell her that you hope she's ok and you have been worried about her. If you're close enough friends you can approach the subject of seeing someone to make sure she truly is ok; she has had some terrible times lately and talking to through with a professional might help her.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 January 2016):
 The woman is living in La La Land .... leave her there, you have given her enough of your time and energy, I would wish her well in her future endeavours and leave her too it. Life is too short for that sort of crap!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (27 January 2016):
This is someone who is struggling to come to terms with the realities of life. You are better keeping your head down and getting on with your own stuff.
When you are young you only see the difficulties in getting where you imagine you want to be. Later in life, looking back it's easy to see how all the dots join up.
If she is going to be pig-headed over your offers of help and support then let her get on with it her own way. What else can you do?
Have you had a holiday together recently? Sometimes stepping out of your environment for a while puts thing back in proportion and can generate new ideas. It's worth a thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2016): Just let her be.Her pessimistic thoughts are her own.The only thing you can do is stay positive and stay out of futile discussions. Subconsciously she maybe needs you to stay positive while she bitches about everything. She may need someone to make her believe that everything will be fine.Her succeeding in Hollywood is not more probable than you becoming a pilot. Actually, there are more pilots than successful directors (if that's her only definition of success). One of the good recipes would be to encourage the things you like about your friendship and discourage the things you don't. E.g. when she send you the message she's leaving because nobody wants her (I think it's pretty obvious that it's about her being negative and not making real plans), you could reply something like "Good idea, it'll be difficult but you have to try, I'd love to hear your plan..." and then switch to something else completely else. Just nip it in the bud.It worked for me with my childhood friend when I realized that I had always played the role of her therapist! I mean I want to help and be there for her, listen to her, but when she starts abusing that I just switch to something else. We are still good friends but she stopped treating me like her shrink. OK. I stopped her because I couldn't take it anymore after almost thirty years (I've known her since she was born and it was hard because that bad relationship was established early on and her family had encouraged it).Now, if I may... she sounds rather selfish and self-centered. She bitches about not getting a break, but what did she ever actually do to get one? Filmmakers film, as simple as that. Experiment with all the cameras they can get their hands on (yes, phone cameras as well). For them making a short is a challenge and it's fun. And when they do not have ideas they sit down and find one. They work hard. They write scripts. Most of all they rewrite them. It takes time. They LOVE all the fuss. To me it seems that she likes only the IDEA of doing that and that she is not really serious about it. Maybe because she is afraid of failure. But it's not an excuse.Btw, getting into the business in Europe is hard as well. Just because she's American she won't be treated like a star. Certainly not with that attitude. And people usually volunteer for years and do shitty jobs before they get a real break. Overnight success is extremely rare and comes to those who usually know people in the industry (Diabolo Cody and her Juno, for example).She also sounds selfish because she ignores all the problems you went through. And from what you say she is so focused on herself that nobody else even exists for her as a real person. What does she do to contribute to the lives of people around her?I am not saying she is a horrible person, I am just saying that you should find a way to protect yourself from her negativity and nourish the things you like about her and your friendship.And be prepared that people change. You included. Maybe you can't put up with the bad things in your relationship anymore. And honestly, speaking as someone who lost her only parent at 19 and had no other family, living through a death of a loved one is extremely hard, but it's easier than watching them suffer being chronically disabled. Not because they are a burden, NO, but because they are suffering and there's nothing you can do (even when you do everything to keep the family afloat) to help them really. And btw, I think the Mad Max reboot is crap. And having worked in the industry for over a decade (in Europe) I can substantiate my claim with facts. (not that working there gives me a sole right on an opinion ;). But I never put anyone down for liking the films I think are crap (I would be out friends pretty soon ;). Opinions are just opinions. And she should face the fact that when it comes to mainstream filmmaking everybody has one! Her attitude sucks. And using her friend a screenwriter-wannabe's opinion to sustain her argument is ridiculous. It seems she wanted to put you down to feel better... sorry, but it really looks that way.So give yourself time to decide and in the meantime encourage the things you enjoy and just cut those you think are negative. You don't owe her anything. Being there for her is different from taking her crap and being treated as a sewage where she can dump all her toxic waste.Good luck!
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